Page 27 of Pucks and Books

But there is a reason I hesitated, and the way I’m feeling right now is why.

I can’t willingly give myself to someone.

But this thing with Louisa may not be a case of willingness. I may have no choice, and that terrifies me. One day, and I’m already ready to ignore all the rules and boundaries I’ve made for myself. I’m ready to give myself to someone I don’t even know. What am I thinking?

This isn’t me; this isn’t who I am. I’m driven, I have goals, and I’m going to make them come true. It would be stupid of me to fall for Louisa when she is here and I’m leaving. Allowing myself to have her will render me devastated and broken, leaving her behind.

What am I doing here? This is probably just sex. She wanted to be fucked, and I did that. Yes, I want more. And yes, I know she does too. So what’s wrong with that? A lot. I could fall for her. Easily. No one has ever made me feel like she did. No one has ever just fit along my body the way she does. I’ve never wanted intimacy with anyone, but I want it with her.

Yup, this is a clusterfuck.

After loading the truck, I get in while Cruz finishes signing paperwork and handing his keys off to the towing people. I lean back in my seat, Louisa heavy on my mind. I absent-mindedly scroll through my phone, not really paying attention but needing the motion to ground me. My heart is pounding, and my stomach is a mess with anxiety. I know what I want, but can I allow myself to indulge in my wants? If I keep going to her, being with her, will I even have a choice? I always put my career first. But that’s because while hockey has hurt me a bit, it’s nothing compared to what she did to me. Fucking fuck, why am I thinking of her?

I find myself clicking on my mom’s contact, and when she answers, her voice full of joy, I can’t help but smile. “Hey, Mom.”

“Hey, baby! I’m surprised you’re calling. I’d thought you’d be out celebrating.”

I chuckle before explaining that Cruz got into an accident and needed my help. I leave out that I spent the afternoon and most of the evening pleasuring Louisa, but that’s mainly because I want to keep that for myself. No one else.

“I’m glad he’s okay,” she says softly, and I nod.

“For sure. Though, his car is totaled.”

“Damn, that’s too bad.”

“It is,” I say, my heart beating so hard against my ribs it aches. “Hey, Mom. I know I said I didn’t want you to tell me, but why was Mikayla at the house?”

Mom takes in a quick breath, and then I hear her let it out through her teeth. She does that when she’s surprised or stressed about something. In this instance, I’m sure it’s a mixture of both. “Are you sure you want to know?”

“Yeah,” I say, needing the reminder of why I need to steer clear of Louisa. Maybe I can get an e-reader…or just accept Cruz’s taunting. “What did she want?”

“She came by to see if I’d give her your number.”

I make a face, my chest still aching from the solid thump of my heart. “Why?”

“I didn’t ask, nor did I give it to her. But I did call her mom.” At her pause, I can’t help but think that, of course my mom did. She’s always been overprotective of me. “Mikayla left Wyatt because he put her on a budget. She didn’t like it, so she took the baby and left. Her mom is insistent that Mikayla still loves you and wants to be with you, but as I’ve said time and time again, she’s a money-hungry bitch, and I told her mom the same.”

Without realizing it, I’m taken back to the day Mikayla left me. The way she looked at me like I wasn’t enough and then proceeded to shatter my heart. That day, I swore I’d never love again or ever put myself in a position to fall in love. I know deep in my soul that if I continue to see Louisa, I would willingly be putting myself in that position again. I’d taunt myself with all her body has to offer, and when I did fall, it’d be my fault when it all came crashing down on me. I can’t do that to myself. I can’t do that to her. But the alternative is never seeing her again.

I don’t know which one will hurt more.

Falling for Louisa or leaving her alone.

CHAPTER 17

Louisa

“So, you chose to get laid over seeing your sister who lives so far away?”

I snort at that, and Austen grins as she stares back at me through the phone. Somehow, all four of my sisters have fit themselves in the view of the camera so they can all listen to my retelling of what happened between Ciaran and me.

“I came nine times, Austen. Nine,” I tell her, and she lets out a shocked breath as Eliza snickers. “You’d blow me off for nine times, and you can’t tell me you wouldn’t.”

My sister doesn’t even deny it, as Eliza says, “I knew you two would hook up. He was always watching you, and I couldn’t understand how you never talked about him. I thought maybe there was bad blood or something, so I never said anything.”

“I never even noticed him,” I admit, and Eliza shakes her head.

“You’re always in the zone at the shop,” Clara insists, her eyes bright.

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