His Adam’s apple shifted visibly as he swallowed.
‘Paige was too embarrassed to ask you. For the bikini, or the bra.’
‘Too embarrassed?’ he repeated, then swore, dragging a hand through his hair and carefully dislodging Paige so he could stand, pacing to the edge of the veranda and bracing his hands around the railing. He cursed again. ‘What the hell have I been doing wrong, Paige?’ He turned to face her, his eyes haunted, and she knew he wasn’t really seeing her, but was rather replaying every parenting moment of the last few years.
‘Nothing,’ Paige was quick to insist. She stood, moving towards him, wrapping her arms around his waist and pressing herself against him so she could feel the solid, if faster than normal, beating of his heart. ‘This is normal. Girls—and boys, but more often girls—are jostling for social dominance. It’s awful and hard to watch but it’s normal. And short of pulling Amanda out of school altogether and completely curating her life for her—which is a fast track to failure because she’ll emerge as an adult with no coping skills—you really can’t do anything except what you’re doing. And what you’re doing so, so well, Max. I mean that. You love her. You clearly love her, so much, and she knows it. Nothing, nothing, nothing is going to build her up better than understanding that, no matter what happens at school, she can come home to you, that everything will be okay because you’re here.’
He tilted his face away, a muscle jerking in the base of his jaw, emotion radiating off him. Tears filmed Paige’s eyes. ‘You’re a really great dad.’ The strength of her feelings was a sinkhole, threatening to pull her in. She needed levity, something to help lighten the mood. ‘And I’m not just saying that because you’re amazing in bed.’
He turned back to her, eyes heavy when they met Paige’s, but then he was smiling, and she smiled back, a melancholy smile laced with all the emotions that were rioting through her, that she hoped he wasn’t able to see.
‘Thank you.’ He paused, lifting a hand and stroking her hair. Tingles spread through Paige like wildfire. His voice grew gravelled. ‘On both counts.’
Paige pressed her head to his chest, listening to his heart. His hand stroked her hair, but it was his next words that made Paige feel a thousand and one things.
‘I’m sorry no one ever loved you like that, Paige. I’m sorry your parents let you down so badly.’
Her heart stammered. She closed her eyes, hoping to push away the strange feeling that was stealing through her: that he was giving her something she’d always needed, a form of salvation that shouldn’t have been his to offer. ‘It’s fine.’
‘It’s not fine. Hearing you talk about them, what you’ve told me, what they did to you—you deserved so much better. I think it’s a miracle that you’re such a patient, kind and loving person.’
But Paige wasn’t loving. He was wrong. It often took all of her concentration to ensure she didn’t slip up, that she didn’t accidentally let herself love. For while she cared a great deal about her clients, and loved looking after children, she was always careful not to let love enter the equation.
‘Thank you,’ she said, quietly, because there was no sense reminding him of that now. She took the praise and buried it in a special part of her brain, for the very few memories she possessed that she liked to revisit, time and again.
‘I just didn’t want her to be like Lauren,’ he said with a shake of his head, staring at the sand beneath his feet, phone to his ear.
‘I know, man.’ As always, Luca’s voice was comforting, because Luca knew what Max was up against. He’d been there for the absolute disaster that had been their marriage. He’d seen Lauren’s excesses, the destruction, he’d heard Max’s worries about it even then.
‘This was an epic ball-drop though. I mean, how did I not realise she always wears the same goddamned bathers? And she probably only even has that pair because Reg and Cass realised what she was missing and stepped in to help.’
‘She has bathers. She has clothes. A roof over her head. And you’re way more present in her life than Carrick was in ours.’
Guilt washed over Max. It hadn’t been his fault, but whenever they compared their childhoods, he felt bad for how neglected Luca had been. Not that coming to live with their father had been any better.
‘Besides, this is an easy fix.’
‘Yeah?’
‘Take her shopping,’ Luca said with a quiet laugh. ‘Not just shopping. Take her to Sydney. Hell, take her overseas. In fact, I’ve got a great idea.’
‘Oh, yeah? I’m all ears,’ Max muttered, in disbelief that he hadn’t tweaked as to what might have been going on.
‘Singapore has the best boutiques—at least, according to Mia.’ Affection softened Luca’s voice when he referred to his wife, clearly the love of Luca’s life. ‘I’ve got to go there this weekend to check on one of my developments. Come meet me. I’ll bring Mia and the kids. They’d love to see you both. And you can spoil Amanda. Send her back to school with the kind of stuff those other girls will go crazy for.’
‘I’m not going to make her think she has to earn their approval,’ Max responded quickly. ‘Amanda’s great. She’s just lacking a few of the essentials.’
‘Sure, but if you’ve overlooked those, then imagine what else she probably needs. She’s almost a teenager, Max. It’s not just about what’s practical. She must want some clothes that are actually, you know, fashionable.’
‘Sydney has good shops.’ But at the same time, a chance to see Luca, Mia and the kids was hard to resist.
Max hesitated. Despite his misgivings that any kind of shopping spree now could be seen as a validation of the bullies’ attitudes, his brother was right. Max had been getting Reg and Cass to organise clothes for Paige for almost as long as he’d been living out this way. And while she always had T-shirts and shorts, maybe she had reached an age and stage where she wanted dresses. Heaven help him, shoes with little heels? Handbags? He felt sweat break out on his brow as he stared down the barrel of raising an actual teenager, all on his own.
Something heavy lodged in the back of his mind, a feeling he couldn’t quite make sense of. But when he thought about raising Amanda, weirdly, Paige was somehow threaded into that idea, as though she might be able to offer an alternative, more lasting support. Just as she had that night after they’d slept together, when he’d looked at Paige and his daughter cooking together and felt a weird sense of having come home.
But he wasn’t about to outsource the parenting of his child, nor to start to rely on anyone else when it came to raising Amanda. Paige was amazing. A great addition to their lives, but she was temporary. He had to continue to navigate this mostly on his own.
‘Okay. We’ll come to you.’ He frowned, thinking instantly of Paige, and what it would mean to travel with her, of how the life they’d forged at each other’s sides would have to be put on hold for the next few days.