Page 17 of Taboo

Kali

I rush up the stairs and fight back the tear in my eye as I take in what Noah just said. He’s just as indecisive as he was years ago. He wants us and then he doesn’t. Well, I can’t take his shit right now. My life is a mess and the last thing I need is him burning what’s left of my heart. I’m not sure I can walk away from another hit.

Levi is startled when I yank the door open to the bedroom and he’s instantly looking at me with hungry eyes. “Come here, baby.” He pats the bed beside him and rolls to his side. I can’t do this. There’s no way I can have sex with Levi after what I just went through downstairs. I need to think.

“I’m going for a run. I’ll be back.” Levi sits up quickly, throwing the covers off him.

“I’ll come with you.”

“No. That’s okay.” I try to reason with him, but I know it isn’t going to work. I’m feeling suffocated and I’m about to explode.

“Kali. How many times do we have to go over this shit?”

“Fine. I’ll come to bed with you, but please just give me some space. I need to think about some things and I can’t do that if you’re constantly wanting to have sex.”

He stands, naked still from our swim last night. “Kali. I don’t ever want you to feel like I’m pressuring you into sex. I’ll give you space, just tell me what you need. Do you want me to stay in the guest bedroom?” And it takes that long for me to feel like the biggest bitch in the world. He’s done nothing to deserve my claustrophobic reaction and I hate that I’ve done nothing but unload on him since last night.

“I’m sorry. It’s just been a really shitty time lately and I’m trying to decide what my plan is. You’re not staying in a guest bedroom, don’t be ridiculous.” I sit on my side of the bed and he follows my lead on his own side. We both lie back and he doesn’t say a word while I try to get comfortable.

“Thank you for everything.” I search for the right words to make this better, but thank you is all I can come up with. I roll to my side and face away from him when Noah’s words work their way back into my head. Levi wraps his arms around me and I can feel his breath against my neck.

“You’re not alone in this. I’m here to help you through all of it, just tell me what’s bothering you.”

“I’m just trying to process all of this.” He pulls me closer against him and I take a deep breath, acknowledging how great this feels. His dick twitches between us and I purposely ignore it and tuck my hand up next to my face as I curl into the covers a little tighter. Noah’s cologne is on my hands and no matter how hard I fight to be right here with Levi in this moment, all my thoughts are with Noah.

Damn him for this. He doesn’t get to do this to me.

I’m pissed off more than ever right now and the worst part is all of this is making me feel like I’m a weak bitch who can’t deal with her own problems. Levi shouldn’t have to save me. I need to save myself and these two men might be the first thing I need to run from.

Levi falls asleep and I roll over to face him, hoping he’ll help me stop thinking about Noah. His stubble tickles my forehead, reminding me of our first night together. He’s the first man I’ve ever been with that has facial hair. He’s been amazing to me lately and I hate that I can’t reciprocate all that he seems to be feeling. If things were different, I’d never let him go. I could get used to having this face with me every night, but I can’t think like that when Noah is still circling my mind like he is.

There he is again, back in my thoughts. The more I think about everything the madder I get and before I know it, I can barely breathe with the heaviness of my frustration mixed with Levi’s arms. I slide out from under his hold and decide I have to respond to Noah right now. Leaving this to fester in my mind will only be toxic for me and that’s the last thing I need. I’ve lived with hope of having him in my life for too many years for him to play with my mind like this.

I walk through the house and find it empty. His bedroom door is open and I can hear the water running in his bathroom. Through the lump in my throat, I swallow hard and take the few steps it takes to get to the foot of his bed and sit quietly. Waiting for him to come out is a mind fuck, but I hold strong knowing I need to get this off my chest. He doesn’t get to make me feel like this anymore.

He steps out, instantly seeing me. His hair is wet and his chest is covered with moisture. Steam rolls out of the bathroom behind him and for a moment I can’t speak as I watch him approach me.

“You’re not hiding this time.” His voice snaps me back to reality, so I quickly stand. “If I would’ve known you’d be sneaking into my bedroom, I would’ve let you be the one to jack me off in the shower.” His boldness surprises me, even though it shouldn’t. He’s obviously more secure with himself now than he ever was in high school. The Noah I knew never would’ve talked to me like he has the past few days.

“I’m only here to tell you that you have to stop. You don’t get to play games with my head while you sit back and laugh at the destruction.” He moves closer, slowly taking my breath away with every step he takes.

“Who says I’m playing games?”

“I do. You pushed me away just the other night if you don’t remember, then I start seeing Levi and now you’ve conveniently changed your mind.”

“I just came to my senses. You convinced me that I need to think about this a little harder.” He takes my hand and puts it over the towel that’s wrapped around his waist, pushing my hand into his own hardness as he says the word. I battle with the realization that I’m now the one playing games, pretending as if I haven’t waited years for this and acting like I don’t want it right now.

I pull my hand away, but he doesn’t budge. He stands over me with every bit of confidence he’s had since I walked into this house the other night.

“Tell me you haven’t thought about what it’d be like to fuck me. To have my dick between your legs, making you scream until you don’t have the energy to fucking walk.” He pulls me against his body abruptly, lifting my chin until I’m looking into his eyes. “Can you tell me that, Kali?” I don’t respond, because he’d know I’m lying if I told him I hadn’t. And if I told him the truth, I’m afraid it would start something I’m not prepared to say no to.

“Stop.” It’s only a whisper, but it’s enough to keep him from moving any closer. “Please just let me say what I came in here to say.” He doesn’t remove his hand from my neck or the one holding my lower back so that I’m pressed against him.

“Say what you came to say.” He’s too close. I thought I could feel the weight of him earlier, but that didn’t compare to the heaviness I’m experiencing now. “Kali. Tell me that this isn’t what you came for.” He drops his towel and I push against his chest to get away from him.

“How can you do this to me?”

“Tell me what I’m doing.” He walks over to the door, casually closing it before he turns to look at me again. He’s naked and watching me differently than he has before. I’m almost afraid to know what he’s thinking and what made him change the way he’s acting towards me.

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