Page 54 of Twisted Lies

“I worked in his office as a receptionist up until the time I was pregnant with you,” she replies.

My hand grips the phone. “You knew Howland was married?”

Mom pauses as I judge her for the choice she made. Coulda, woulda, shoulda, didn’t. It’s all too late once the past is in the past.

“They were separated,” she replies defensively. “Or rather that’s what he told me. She wasn’t around and had moved to New York. I didn’t realize he had always kept an apartment even before he was married. When I found out I was pregnant, and she was coming back to Rockingham, he wanted me to get an abortion.” Mom pauses, and I can barely hear her. “He might have divorced her if she hadn’t been pregnant too.”

Once upon a time, I dreamt of finding my dad. A story where his leaving had been a mistake or a misunderstanding that a phone couldn’t fix because he lost the number. There were moments when my mind slipped into dark dreams, but I never imagined this situation.

“Of course, I told him no,” Mom continues, “Sweetheart, I wanted you. I’ve always wanted you, but I didn’t want you to deal with what I dealt with. I could’ve done better for myself, but I don’t regret having you.”

My stomach reels as I dwell on a secret she never revealed. It could’ve been different, but it wasn’t because of me. I can’t think about it. Not now; it will gut me. I’m not a mistake, and I’ll prove it.

“Would you be upset if I did what he wanted?” I ask. “I’d only do it because we need the money.”

“Do whatever you need,” Mom says, “I hate your father because he was a coward. He could have fought for us. He said he wanted to, but in the end, he pretended we weren’t his. Astrid, take what you need from that man, and don’t feel that you owe him for it.” Mom’s voice gains strength. “If anything, he owes us. I could’ve ruined him.”

Her hateful words give me solace that I have her blessing to hate my dad. But I look down at my other hand, and it’s shaking.

“I have a plan,” I reply, “and I might be able to pull it off if I can get the money.”

“Ask him. As they say, he can only say no,” she answers, “What’s your plan?”

“I better not tell you on the phone.” I look around the empty room. My gaze rests on the mirror, and my washed-out expression startles me. “Mom, do you think I could see you?”

She sighs. “I want to see you, sweetheart, but let’s wait. I don’t want to distract you from school.”

“Mom, are you sure everything is okay?”

“I’m in less pain than when you last saw me,” she replies cheerfully, “The doctor has taken me off my pills. That was rough, but I’m getting clean. I have a physical therapist, a massage therapist, a mental health therapist. I get three meals a day made of organic foods I’ve never heard of. I don’t have to worry about my doctors’ bills.”

“I’ve been paying for the apartment,” I tell her, “I guess I can put our stuff in storage.”

“Tell your father to reimburse you,” she demands, “Don’t be shy with this man, Astrid. Do whatever you need to do for a better life. The rich have no conscience. Half the women I’ve met in this place are mistresses, and they socialize with the wives. Insane. And they gossip about my lack of breeding.”

The conversation has drained me until I lie limp and can’t take anymore without screaming until the walls of Stonehaven come crashing down. I have to ask Howland for the money. I won’t dare call my mother again until I do it.

“Take care, Mom,” I whisper into the phone. “I love you.”

“Astrid, remember that you need to stop scraping and start taking.”

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