Page 212 of Ruined Beta

“It’s so funny that this is what you’ve ended up doing,” she tells me, as she looks around the office. “You were always into detective TV shows, and now, here you are, actually working as one.”

“Technically, I’m an assistant,” I tell her, sitting down in one of the two chairs in front of E.A.’s desk.

She backs into the other and hugs the massive bag of cheese puffs to her chest.

“Yeah, well, I’m sure you’ll have your licence soon enough, and it’s not like trench coats aren’t sold in every store around here.” She bursts the bag open and crunches down a handful of orange dust coated corn puffs.

She’s clearly a little nervous now, and really, I’m the one who should be talking.

At least, to start. I take in a deep breath.

“There’s a reason I had to get that evidence. I know you think I have a destructive streak, or a stubborn one, and maybe I can be a bit pig-headed sometimes, but I’m not still trying to destroy myself, Secret. I stopped that when Mom died, and I realized what I’d been doing. I was … I am an alcoholic. I’ve been sober for a few years now, but I can never stop thinking of myself as an addict. The second I do, it’s a slippery slope.”

“I didn’t …” Secret starts, sitting up straighter. “I didn’t know you were actually addicted. I guess I didn’t think of it like that.”

“I made that same mistake, for a long time. I’m not trying to hurt myself anymore. For the longest time, I thought I was broken beyond repair. I ruined my life, and I kept doing more things to ruin it some more. It took a long time to figure out that I could heal, if I tried. So, I tried, and I started to feel better. I started to heal.”

“I’m so sorry, Leanne,” Secret says. “When you told me the truth, I only thought about how it was going to change things for me. I was in shock, and I was angry, and I didn’t understand. I know now you did what you had to do to heal …”

I shake my head. “No. Secret, you’re getting it backwards. I let Mom raise you because she decided it was what was for the best, for both of us. I was ashamed that I’d gotten pregnant just because I’d figured out how to attract an Alpha, but I was never ashamed of you. I wanted to raise you. You have no idea how badly I wanted you to be my daughter. I didn’t know how to ask for that. It felt like my life wasn’t mine. Like I was trapped because my mom wouldn’t accept that I might be capable of raising you. She thought I was too young, and maybe I was, but you were mine, Secret. I didn’t want things to be this way. I didn’t want to lie to you for your whole childhood, but once the lie was out there, I couldn’t ruin your life by telling you. Especially not once I started drinking to make myself feel better.”

I feel a little lighter having explained, but I instantly regret it when I see tears in Secret’s eyes.

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have …”

“No, you should have,” she says. “I didn’t know. I assumed you didn’t want me. Why would you, when you were so young? And the way it happened … I have no idea what that would be like. How could you ever have wanted me?”

“You’re my baby. I love you.”

“I can’t believe I’m crying into a bag of cheese puffs!” Secret says, making me laugh.

She takes off her glasses and wipes under her eyes. “I’ve been trying to figure out how to be around you ever since you told me.”

God, that hurts my heart.

I nod slowly. “I know.”

“You’ve always been so … I don’t know … independent, and kind of distant,” she says, as she puts her glasses back on. “I … It sounds dumb now, but I felt like the nerdy little sister that you couldn’t understand, and sometimes … God, I can’t believe I’m admitting this, but sometimes it felt like I was Mom’s favorite and you resented me for that.”

“You were my mom’s favorite,” I tell her. “But that’s because you were her grandchild. Grandparents always go the extra mile for their grandchildren. It’s like an unwritten rule. I never resented you. Sometimes, I resented Mom for what she did, but I understood it, too.”

“I don’t want to call you my sister anymore,” Secret blurts. “I’ve been trying to avoid that word since you told me, but calling you Leanne doesn’t feel right, either.”

“What about if I told you I don’t care what you call me?” I ask, realizing I really don’t.

I just don’t want her to think of me as her loser sister, because that was what Mom turned me into. It’s not who I wanted to be. All I wanted was to be Secret’s mother.

“I don’t know, Mom,” she says, in a sarcastic teenager tone.

She flushes beet red afterward. “Was that weird, or did it sound normal?”

“Oh, it sounded normal enough to make me want to tell you you’re grounded.”

She laughs. “I might need to try it a few more times before it feels normal.”

“Try it as much as you’d like, young lady.”

“Ew, no,” she says. “No. That’s what an old lady mom would say. Never say it again.”

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