Page 74 of The Edge of Never

Thane’s eyes grew dark, and his expression was grim.

“I dinnae wannae send ye oot in the snow. I cannae keep ye safe if ye leave me, but the chance of rescue is feeling very fucking slim at this point. Mah head tells me I should let ye go tae give us both the best chance of survival as we’re gonnae run oot of food soon.”

“But you don’t want that.”

He nodded.

My heart hurt. It fucking hurt at the impossible situation we were in. But I had always been honest with Thane, and I wasn’t going to stop that now.

“I don’t want that either. I don’t want to leave you at all.”

Twenty Four

Thane

There was a desperate note in Kit’s voice as they told me they didn’t want to leave me. I wanted nothing more than to soothe their fears and tell them we would be okay. To make that worry in their beautiful blue eyes disappear. I wanted to save them from this so badly, it almost crushed me into tiny pieces.

Was the world fucking testing me again? Hadn’t I suffered enough? I couldn’t save my wife and now history was repeating itself with Kit.

Just when I realised how fucking amazing they were, reality intruded and crushed my moment of happiness after all the shite I’d been dealing with for years. Maybe that was all this was. A moment. A point in time to show me that life was worth living. That I could find joy where I never expected it to be. That going through the motions wasn’t going to fulfil me.

Trying to work it out felt exhausting. I was fucking tired of feeling so alone, lost at sea without a tether or something keeping me afloat. So what if I wanted to stay here with Kit and pretend the world outside didn’t exist? I wanted to hold on to them and hope to fuck that I could survive long enough to smile again without reservation. Without feeling as though my life should have ended the day my wife died. Those feelings needed to go away. I wanted to live. I wanted to fucking live without this weighing me down.

But I didn’t have time to wallow. I didn’t have time to wish for things I couldn’t have. Reality stared me in the face and told me I had to do what was practical. Had to do the necessary to keep Kit alive. I couldn’t forgive myself if they didn’t survive. To see their vibrant being snuffed out would be a fucking tragedy. And yet… everything inside me screamed not to let them go out there in the cold. The idea of them walking hours upon hours without me, fighting against the weather and the snow, cut me to the very core.

“I cannae let ye go, Kit. Ye have tae stay with me. I have tae know ye’re safe. I wouldnae be able tae forgive mahself if something happens tae ye.”

I might know in my head that them leaving for help would be the best option, but it didn’t make it so in my heart. If anyone was coming for us, they were probably concentrating on the avalanche, thinking we’d got lost in it. That would be the logical explanation. If they didn’t find us there, then they would expand the search, but who the fuck knew how long it would take. Callan wouldn’t know where I’d gone. He could guess, but there were too many options. While he knew I had my camping gear on me, no one could fully prepare for the storm we’d been in. If they couldn’t find any sign of us, then they would be preparing for the worst. For bodies. The thought of that made my chest seize up.

“Then I won’t go.”

Kit said it like it was simple. As if they weren’t condemning us to waiting and not knowing if they would ever find us. Mountain rescue wouldn’t stop searching, but I couldn’t help feeling as though it would be too late. We would be found too late.

My mind wanted to prepare me for the worst because the worst had happened to me before. It stole my hope from me. I no longer felt optimistic or looked forward to the future. I was stuck in a cycle of worst-case scenarios. Probably why I jumped to the conclusion that Kit was sent to piss me off. It stopped me from looking deeper and seeing that they were just as traumatised as I was by what had happened to them. And what a fucking tragic way to live that was. To expect everything to go wrong and nothing to go right… ever.

I wouldn’t allow myself to bring Kit down with this shite. They should have hope, even if I had none.

“But we have to do something.”

Kit extracted themselves from my arms and got up. I said nothing as they put their clothes on before handing me mine. They chucked me one of the flapjacks for breakfast. After unwrapping their own and stuffing half of it in their mouth, their hands went to my outdoor clothes.

“Well, your clothes are finally dry. We should go outside for a bit, get the lay of the land. It seems like the wind has died down, so maybe it’s stopped snowing too. Plus, I’m sure both of us need to relieve ourselves. And we can test out how your ankle is doing.”

The determination in their voice had me keeping mine shut. I ate instead, watching Kit potter about in the tent, checking everything over before they got their outdoor clothes on. Then they approached me with a small smile on their face.

“Let me help you get your things on, yeah?”

I wanted to say no. To not bother. Kit likely saw the reluctance in my expression as they cocked their head to the side and wrinkled their nose.

“We’re not going to get all awkward about this stuff again, okay?”

“Am no being awkward.”

They snorted.

“You look terrified of me helping you dress, or was it because I mentioned the fact we need to relieve ourselves? I thought we were over that. We’re humans, we shit and piss, that’s just life. Now, get out of that sleeping bag and quit scowling at me or I’ll have to kiss it off your face.”

I stared at them. It shouldn’t come as a surprise they were being mouthy again, but it did. And the way they so casually mentioned kissing me had my stomach in knots.

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