Page 72 of The Edge of Never

“I’d ask what ye’re apologising for.”

“Having a meltdown in front of you.”

Now it was over, embarrassment flooded my veins. I hated how out of control I’d been. It wasn’t like I had any choice in the matter, but it didn’t make it any better.

He said nothing as if waiting for me to elaborate.

I’d revealed so many things to this man. He hadn’t looked at me differently because of it, but fear clung to my skin. This wasn’t just a shitty thing that had happened to me. My disability affected every part of my life. It was there in my everyday experiences. The way I went through the world. It was why I thought about things differently. Why I said things like they were and didn’t have any hidden meaning behind my words. And why I had so many struggles navigating around a society that wasn’t built for the way my brain operated.

I ran my fingers over his bare chest, brushing along the light dusting of hair there. My eyes fixed on the freckles covering it, trying not to be afraid of his reaction. Of him seeing me in another light and hating it.

The fact I cared so much about his opinion when I hadn’t been trying to impress him before was indicative of my changed feelings towards him.

Be brave, Kit. You have to do this. He should have an explanation for what happened.

I squeezed my eyes shut and took a breath.

“I’m autistic.”

I paused, trying to work out how much else I should reveal about it. How much I should explain. Then I dived right in.

“I have meltdowns, and I take longer to learn how to do things, and that’s why my coordination is shit, and sometimes I struggle to do everyday tasks. I have sensory issues. I’m not good at social events or in large groups because it’s too loud and my auditory processing is all messed up.”

Thane stroked my back and hummed as if letting me know he was paying attention.

It didn’t feel like I had enough words to encapsulate the effect my disability had on my life, but I wanted him to know what the cause of my meltdown was, so he didn’t think it was him. There was no blame here. It was just something I had to deal with.

“I don’t like the feeling of cum on my skin and that’s what set me off, the thought of it. But that’s only a part of it because I was overstimulated from us having sex, and don’t get me wrong, I like sex because it’s an amazing sensory experience, but sometimes it’s too much. I need peace and quiet and calm afterwards, so I don’t get overwhelmed. But I’ve been so overwhelmed with everything that we’ve been through, and I’ve been trying to push it down. I couldn’t do it any longer, so I lost it, and I couldn’t explain that to you because it’s hard to talk or focus on anything else but what’s happening to me. So… so that’s why I’m sorry because you had to deal with that without knowing what was going on.”

I let out a long breath.

“And now I feel like I’m rambling and over-explaining everything, which is probably really fucking annoying, so I’m sorry about that too.”

His hand moved from my back to my hair, fingers tangling in the strands.

“It’s no annoying. Ye can over-explain as much as ye want. I like listening tae ye.”

No one had ever said that to me before.

“You do?”

“Aye.”

I tore my head away from his chest and turned my face up to his. There was nothing but rapt attention there, his green eyes intent on me.

“I don’t tell many people about my disability because there’s so much stigma and I’ve had a few not even believe me since I appear so normal to them. I get nervous talking about it to someone new because of that.”

“Ye think I wouldnae have believed ye?”

“No, but… I never know what reaction I’m going to get.”

Thane gave me a half-smile.

“It doesnae change how I see ye if that’s what ye’re worrying aboot. Ye’re still Kit, a mouthy wee thing who winds me up and keeps me on mah toes.”

He leaned closer until our faces were inches apart.

“Am no gonnae claim tae know a lot aboot autism, but what I dae know is ye confiding in me aboot it helps me understand ye better.”

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