Page 106 of The Edge of Never

I kept stroking their face.

“I hope ye’re no crying ‘cause am bad at sex.”

Their head turned back to mine, their eyes wide, and they reached up to shove my shoulder with one hand.

“No, don’t be ridiculous. You’re the best at sex. I’m just overwhelmed, and I knew this was coming after all those things Sienna said.”

“Am no gonnae tell ye no to cry over that cunt, even if she doesnae deserve yer tears.”

“I’m not really crying over her but losing a friendship I held onto for twenty-five years. I’m more upset about that than anything else. Well, what she said wasn’t nice either.”

I nodded slowly as I pushed myself up to a standing position. Now the adrenaline rush was over, I could feel the dull ache in my ankle. Reaching over, I pulled out one of the dining chairs and seated myself in it to take the weight off it.

Kit sat up and swiped their hands over their face.

“I’m going to go clean up and then I’ll make us a drink.”

“Ye dinnae have tae dae that.”

“I want to.”

Kit slid off the table, picking up their clothes before they ran to the bathroom.

I shook my head and closed my eyes. It would take them time to shed the idea that they didn’t have to look after everyone else. That putting themself first wasn’t being selfish.

I got up from the chair and went into the kitchen, cleaning myself up and straightening out my clothes while the kettle boiled. Then I made Kit a cup of tea and myself a coffee. I brought those into the living room, setting them on the coffee table before I sat down on the sofa. Propping my legs up on it, I waited for Kit to finish up.

When they walked into the living room, they eyed the mugs for a second before they came over and crawled into my lap. I wrapped my arms around them as they laid their head against my chest.

“Even though I know Sienna isn’t a good friend and I’m better off without her, it’s still hard to wrap my head around it. To stop feeling something for her… it’s not love, but it’s something. I don’t know how to turn it off.”

I stroked their back.

“Ye cannae turn them off, Kit. It’s no that simple. If it was, people wouldnae grieve the loss of someone precious tae them. And love isnae just the romantic kind. Ye loved her as a friend, even if it was also something more at one point. That love doesnae disappear overnight.”

I knew that all too well. Although now I thought about it, I wasn’t sure if love was what I felt for Jenna. Not anymore, at least. There were so many other emotions there. Ones I wasn’t sure I was allowed to feel about someone who died.

“I suppose you’re right. Grief isn’t linear. You don’t just get over it in a direct way, even if I wish it was that simple. My life would be easier if the world was simpler… I mean, you saw how Sienna misinterpreted what I said and added hidden meanings to my words. She brought up my disability when that wasn’t even a part of the conversation. I don’t think I’ve ever once used that as an excuse. It’s an explanation of why, not a justification.”

I thought about what it would feel like to go through the world with everyone around you misreading everything you said to them. How damaging that could be to a person. I’d never had to navigate the world that way, but it didn’t mean I couldn’t understand how hard it made things for Kit.

“Ye just say it like it is and folks dinnae see that.”

“Yes. Exactly. It’s so exhausting. I feel like I have to explain what I mean over and over… and they still don’t get it.”

“I like yer over-explaining.”

“You’re the only person who does.”

“I like everything aboot ye.”

Kit turned their head up to look at me.

“You do?”

“Aye. Even when ye’re giving me a hard time.”

They grinned and bit their lip.

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