Page 71 of The Edge of Never

Tears streamed down my cheeks as I pushed myself up into a sitting position, dislodging Thane from inside me. I didn’t even care at that point if stuff went everywhere. All my focus was on the pressure in my head.

My body trembled. One hand went back to my throat as the other clenched and unclenched. My chest rose and fell in a shuddering motion. Breathing was difficult. Thinking was even worse. My head was so full. I couldn’t see properly through my watery eyes. I could hear my heart pounding in my ears, but nothing else.

If Thane said anything further, I had no fucking idea. All my focus was on my panicked state. On how everything felt so overwhelming. I wanted out of my head. Out of my skin. Out of my fucking body.

“I can’t… I can’t… I can’t.”

I pushed at my thighs with my hands, dragging my blunt nails across them. Then slapped the sides of my head. Anything to let the overwhelming pressure out.

Make it stop. Make it stop. Make it fucking stop!

I could feel my chest heaving, my breathing erratic and out of control. My nails cut across it, trying to free my lungs from their cage. To find a way to breathe.

Two large hands banded around mine, pulling them away from my chest. They let go, only to grip my shoulders and tug me down. Thane wrapped me up in his arms, holding me tight against his chest.

I cried harder, my body jerking in his embrace as my attempt to speak came out in panicky gasps of air. He had no idea what was happening to me, and yet he held me close, giving me a much-needed anchor to grip onto as I drowned in the horror of overstimulation.

I don’t know how long I cried and hyperventilated. It felt like forever until I started to calm down. Until the pressure in my head lessened. Until my body stilled.

I gulped in air as my eyes continued to stream. They always did in the aftermath. My hand wrapped around his shoulder, squeezing lightly to steady myself, and perhaps let him know I was more in control of myself now.

The way he kissed my hair and whispered, “It’s okay, Kit, am here, I’ve got ye,” had my heart in knots.

A cross between a sob and a hiccup was my only response. The only one I was capable of giving.

I didn’t extricate myself from his embrace. Usually, I didn’t want anyone to touch me when this happened, but Thane represented safety for me. Having him close was comforting rather than too much. Besides, I would have probably hurt myself if he hadn’t put me against his chest. It wouldn’t be the first time I clawed my skin, and it wouldn’t be the last.

After a while, he removed his arms from around my back. He brushed my hair off my wet face, looking down at me with concern.

“Will ye let me clean ye up?”

I nodded, my bottom lip trembling from the softness in his voice.

Thane had me sit up with him but kept me in his lap as if wanting me close. He dug around for the toilet paper, pulled off a few sheets and gently wiped my tears before having me blow my nose. Without asking, he tore more off and cleaned up the space between my legs. He didn’t even look put out by it.

“Dae ye want water?” he asked when he was done.

I nodded again.

He picked up the water bottle and handed it to me, watching me take a long gulp. The cool water soothed my throat. I finished the rest of the bottle without thinking about it, needing the hydration after expelling all of those tears.

“Can I dae anything else for ye? Ye want clothes?”

I pointed at my underwear that was sitting in the pile of our clothes on the floor.

Thane grabbed them and helped me into them. He slid his boxers on but didn’t attempt to dress himself further.

I indicated I wanted to lie down. That prompted him to shift down on the mat and lay on his side, leaving me room to tuck myself up next to him. Thane covered us both with the sleeping bag before gently stroking my shoulder.

Despite knowing he was watching me, I remained with my face tucked against his chest, not wanting to look up. I closed my eyes and breathed, letting the stillness and quiet fold over me. It had a calming effect, along with his soft touch.

“Thane,” I whispered when I felt ready to talk after our peaceful silence.

“Aye?”

His hand was splayed out over my back, his arms caging me in, but I didn’t feel enclosed. I felt secure… protected. That was a rarity in my life.

“Are you going to tell me off if I say sorry?”

---