Page 56 of The Edge of Never

Kit’s fingers tightened around mine. I swallowed hard. Fuck, how I wished that statement was true. That it was never an issue. It had been the truth for a long time. For years. Until it wasn’t.

“I… fuck, I dinnae know how tae talk aboot her death,” I whispered. “I havnae told anyone exactly what happened.”

“Is it bad?”

“Aye, really fucking bad.”

Somehow, I knew Kit would understand why it was so hard for me to tell anyone. Why it hurt so fucking much. It was as if a knife had lodged itself in my chest. Every time I took a breath, it made tiny holes in my heart. They leaked sluggishly, making it feel as though I was slowly dying on the inside. I didn’t know how else to describe the pain.

“Then maybe we should take a break and eat something. You can talk about it when you’re ready.”

“I dinnae think am ever gonnae be ready.”

Kit let go of my hand and brushed their fingers over my cheek.

My eyes popped open, staring into their blue ones.

“We’ll rip the bandage off together, okay? I’ll share the burden with you, so you don’t have to be alone in it any longer.”

I nodded slowly, not quite believing someone I’d only known for a week would do that for me.

Kit differed from anyone else I’d ever met. And that was why I liked them so very much. All my irritation evaporated when I realised there was far more to them than met the eye. That they weren’t out to piss me off on purpose. They were trying to deal with their suffering the best way they could. Just like me.

“It’s okay, Thane. I know how hard it is to share your darkest memories. You can take your time. I’m not going anywhere.”

Kit gave me a half-smile before slipping out of the sleeping bag and starting to make us lunch.

I watched them, my eyes roaming across their curves and edges, lingering on their neck. Such a delicate wee thing.

Would their skin prickle if I breathed against it?

Would they shudder with anticipation of my mouth on it?

Would they want me to wrap my fingers around their throat while I tasted it?

Why the fuck are you thinking about that?

Here I was meant to be working out how to tell them about Jenna’s death and I was too busy staring at their neck like it was a meal. I didn’t have a thing about necks in general. In fact, I had never once wanted to encircle Jenna’s and use it as an anchor while I did things to her.

It shouldn’t be strange to want something different when it came to another person, but it felt that way. My only experience of intimacy was with my wife, and she was the one who led that side of our relationship. It didn’t occur to me that I would ever want someone else the way I did with Kit. The way I desired them terrified me. This deep, visceral longing to touch them made my fingers throb. But no one else had sparked this within me. I didn’t understand it. How I could feel this way about them when I’d spent a lifetime never experiencing this need for another person.

Even so, the guilt surrounding my feelings towards them lessened with every moment we spent together. I had to restrain myself from acting upon them… but why shouldn’t I want Kit?

The answer to that had been so clear before, but now I had a hard time believing it was wrong when we were alone in this glen. When we didn’t know if we would be rescued or if anyone even knew we hadn’t made it back down the mountain. I had nothing but memories holding me in place. Well, that and the fact Kit probably didn’t see me that way at all. They might have said they didn’t dislike me, but that didn’t mean they were attracted to me.

You’re a fucking mess, you know that, right? Stop thinking about how much you want to touch Kit and start deciding how you’re going to talk about that night with Jenna.

Maybe my current thoughts were a way of distracting myself from the inevitable pain I had to relive in order to expose my deepest wounds. It was easier to mull over my dilemma regarding Kit than to think about Jenna’s death. Although, it wasn’t so much of a dilemma any longer. More a case of accepting I liked them in a way I never expected.

“Here you go.”

Kit’s voice startled me.

I looked up to find them holding out one of the ration packs. Pulling myself up into a sitting position, I took it out of their hands. The cold air made me shiver.

“Yeah, it’s pretty fucking chilly,” they noted as they slid their legs into the sleeping bag next to mine.

I grunted because saying something was too fucking difficult. Kit being close to me only exacerbated the desire to explore every inch of them. I shut that right down while we ate, trying to keep my mind on the task ahead.

---