Page 53 of The Edge of Never

“And to top it all off, I couldn’t talk about it to anyone, especially after I lost the baby. I put all my feelings aside because Sienna was so distraught… until she wasn’t… until she started asking me when we were going to try again like I hadn’t just gone through one of the worst experiences of my life. Even Law was concerned about her sudden turnaround. He didn’t want to push me when I was still recovering from it. He didn’t think trying again so soon was good for any of us.”

A part of me didn’t want to tell Thane about the rest of it. Didn’t want him to know about the mistakes I’d made in the wake of my bleeding heart. But it was a part of my story. I wasn’t infallible. I was messy and chaotic, especially having undergone such a traumatising experience. My life felt like a series of them.

“Sienna didn’t want to listen to reason. To either of us. And… and I’m ashamed of what happened next.”

“If it’s no relevant, ye dinnae have tae tell me.”

Oh, I wish it wasn’t, but it’s just another layer of crap to add to the overflowing shit pile.

Thane’s thumb stroked across my cheek, reminding me he was still holding onto my face. Was still grounding me with the touch of his rough fingers, his palm cradling me.

What had I done to deserve such kindness from him? He made me feel like I was a burden when we were on the course, but now… now it was different. It felt different between us.

“Three months after I miscarried, around new year, Sienna had a massive go at Law and me before storming out of their house, saying she was going to stay at her parents for a few days. We had a drink to commiserate with each other. He kept topping up my glass, so I didn’t realise how drunk I was until we were suddenly kissing. Like, it wasn’t exactly good because he was all tongue and I don’t like French kissing, it’s kind of icky. Regular kissing with a bit of tongue is fine, but… wow, fuck, I’m sharing way too much information that you don’t need to know.”

Thane shifted but said nothing to my little revelation. Why couldn’t I keep my mouth shut around him? My need to over-explain everything had reared its ugly head and was making me over-share irrelevant details yet again.

“Anyway, I kind of just went along with it all. I was so fucking sad and I wanted to lose myself for a bit, but I didn’t have sex with him or anything. It was more like… mutual satisfaction with hands only. I wasn’t ready to be that intimate with anyone after the miscarriage. I was still trying to deal with the dysphoria, and it was too messy. I’m mostly okay now, like I’d be fine with intimacy if it was with the right person.”

Stop telling him things that aren’t important to the story! He doesn’t need to know that you’d say yes if he offered to fuck you.

My brain was really doing a number on me today. Here I was sharing my horrible story, and my thoughts were on having sex with the man holding me while I cried on him.

“I immediately regretted what happened and left right after. I cried half the night and slept like shit… drinking always does that to me. Law and I never spoke of it. Like fuck, he cheated on Sienna with me, and there we were, pretending like nothing happened. I thought the guilt might eat me alive, but it was overshadowed by how awful Sienna was acting towards me.”

I let out a breath. Telling him about the shit Sienna had thrown at me the last time we spoke felt harder than admitting to the cheating. Maybe because she’d been so blasé about her husband’s indiscretion. Like it didn’t matter. And that made me sick.

“Ye know what all that sounds like tae me?” Thane asked after a minute’s silence.

I shook my head.

“He took advantage of ye.” He dropped his hand from my cheek and cupped my shoulder instead. “The man plies ye with alcohol, lowers yer inhibitions and ability tae think clearly when he knows ye’re under a lot of duress and makes a move on ye. That’s no someone acting with pure intentions.”

I swallowed hard at the implications of his words. And when I thought about it, they made sense.

“I don’t think you’re wrong. Sienna told me the last time we spoke that Law has always had a thing for me. She said a lot of hurtful things that day, actually.”

“Am no gonnae like this.”

“No.”

He sighed and tightened his hold on me as if he could protect me from the pain inflicted on me by my so-called best friend.

“She told me I was welcome to his… his dick because that was the only way I’d ever get close to her. Then she said I thought I was more of a woman than her because my body works properly. And when I was like it’s not okay to misgender me, she said I was kidding myself about not being a woman. I walked away after that, didn’t want to stand there, and be insulted after she spent months pressuring me into something I didn’t want to do. Sienna’s always had a mean streak. I just didn’t think she would ever turn it on me… until she did.”

All my energy rushed out of me now that I’d finished my story. Finished unburdening myself. I relaxed fully into Thane’s hold, letting the tears wash away the pain. Letting his warmth and comfort soothe my soul. Allowing myself to let my guard down completely. There was nothing to be scared of. Thane gave me something few people had. Safety.

It was a long while before he spoke as if he was processing what I’d told him. Talking about it made me realise how truly awful Sienna had behaved towards me. How little she really cared.

“Dae ye still love her after all that?”

“I’m not… in love with her any longer. She killed that love, but it’s hard to stop caring about someone you’ve known for twenty-five years. I’m trying though. I don’t want to see her again, not after the things she said.”

“Want mah honest opinion?”

I pulled my head away from his chest, finally looking him in the eyes.

“Go ahead.”

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