Page 117 of The Edge of Never

I would never ask Thane to leave his beloved home for me. He belonged in the mountains where he grew up. It left me to do the big thing and that was scary.

“Is that what this is about? You’re scared to move up there?”

“How did you know it would be me?”

“I know you. And the way you described how much he loves where he lives made it sound like he wouldn’t leave willingly.”

“No, he wouldn’t, and I couldn’t ask him to, anyway.”

Dad watched me for a long moment before his eyes went back to the TV.

I continued to fiddle with my clothes, feeling agitated by this conversation, even though it was necessary. I had to get this shit out of my head. It had been driving me up the wall for weeks. I was sad all the time and it sucked to have to put on an act at work. Even Roman had noticed I wasn’t myself. I’d been very busy with all my rescheduled clients, which distracted me to an extent. But it wasn’t enough to keep my misery at bay. I wasn’t happy in my life any longer. I didn’t think I had been for a very long time.

“What’s keeping you here, Kit? And don’t say me. You know I would support your decision to leave, just as I did with Olly’s.”

I turned my attention to the window, staring at the houses across the road from my dad’s flat.

“I would miss working with Roman. He understands me. And I’d have to get a whole new licence to tattoo in Scotland.”

“I’m sure you can find someone else who understands you, and doing paperwork isn’t fun, but it’s necessary. You’ve done it once, you can do it again.”

“Change is hard for me. I don’t know how I would cope with a whole new place by myself.”

“You wouldn’t be by yourself. You’d have Thane.”

“That’s only if he wants to be with me.”

I knew Dad would find a way to counter all of my arguments. He was a very practical man. And my reasonings were beginning to sound more like excuses now that I’d said them out loud.

“You’d go even if he didn’t want to be with you?”

“Doing it for him feels like it would be putting too much pressure on us to make it work. If I move up there, I’d want it to be for myself, even if he’s also a big part of it.”

“Did you like it there?”

I nodded slowly and turned back to him.

“It’s a really beautiful place. I liked the quiet. It’s much less overstimulating, but that didn’t help with all the shit I went through, hence why I kept having meltdowns and crying all over him.”

Dad gave me a sad smile.

“Yes, well, that’s to be expected under the circumstances.”

“He was really good about it, though. Even after I explained why, he was the one who told me that I should have my needs met. That I deserve it. He never made me feel like I was less than because I’m disabled. That meant a lot to me…”

Tears welled in my eyes. I missed him so fucking much. The way his green eyes twinkled when he made a joke. How he looked at me as if I was the prettiest thing he’d ever seen. The way he cared. It was devastating to be without him when he made me feel so damn much. He made me better.

“God, I love him so much. He’s not perfect, but he’s so considerate and kind. I never knew how much I needed someone who likes me for me until I met him. What we had felt so real, and now it’s gone, and I miss him, Dad. I’m so fucking unhappy. My heart hurts all the time and I’m going through the motions, but I go home and cry because I hate it. I hate pretending when I didn’t have to pretend with him.”

Without a second thought, I got up off the sofa and went to my dad. I fell at his feet, put my head in his lap, and cried. He stroked my hair, giving me space to purge my emotions.

We weren’t particularly affectionate. Dad wasn’t always a fan of being touched, but I needed it at that moment. I missed being held by Thane. I didn’t even care about sex. All I wanted was to curl up in his arms and listen to him breathe. Hear his heart beating in his chest. He was my safe space.

When I’d let it all out, I sat up and stared at my dad. His eyes were misty. I knew he found it hard not to feel it too when I got emotional.

“I’m not going to tell you to go, but you need to think about what you really want for your life, Kit. Don’t waste it being somewhere you don’t want to. Change is hard, but sometimes it’s for the better. Remember that when you’re deciding what next. You and I both know you can’t stay in limbo like this forever. You’ll only make it worse for yourself if you do.”

I nodded and got up to get a tissue to wipe my eyes. When I came back, I sat down on the sofa.

---