Page 114 of The Edge of Never

“No, I understand. Ye dinnae have the right language for what ye’re feeling.”

“Aye.”

He rolled his shoulders.

“Have ye ever considered that ye might be asexual?”

My brain stumbled over the word asexual for a moment. It wasn’t that I didn’t understand what it meant, but it never occurred to me that might explain things about myself.

“Am no trying tae put a label on ye, Thane, but that’s what it sounds like tae me. A limited or lack of sexual attraction doesnae mean ye cannae want and like sex, which by yer own admission ye clearly dae with Kit.”

My face burned. It shouldn’t embarrass me to admit to wanting to sleep with Kit but laying it all out there wasn’t something I was used to. It had been hard enough when Kit kept asking me what I wanted in the bedroom. I didn’t begrudge them that, but it forced me to think about it in ways I hadn’t before. And consider whether I was doing it for them or for me. It was both.

“Why dae ye know so much aboot it?”

Callan looked up at the ceiling.

“Ruairí is ace. Have had tae dae a lot of learning for him, but oor relationship is better for it. I can give ye some books if ye wannae look intae it more since I know ye wouldnae be comfortable asking him.”

The thought of asking Ruairí about it did not fill me with enthusiasm. It wasn’t that we didn’t like each other, but talking about sexual attraction or my lack of it with him was not something I was willing to do.

“Aye, mibbe I should read them.”

“It might help ye explain yer feelings a wee bit more, even if it’s just tae yerself.”

I nodded slowly before I stared out of the window again. Clearly, there were things I had yet to discover about myself. And maybe Callan was right. It would explain why I never understood when people talked about wanting to sleep with people they didn’t know. It felt weird to me, but I never voiced that out loud for fear of being seen as abnormal.

“So, ye like Kit,” Callan said after a minute.

“Aye.”

“And ye let them leave withoot telling them ye have feelings for them.”

“Am no ready for another relationship. And they live in England.”

“Are ye sure those are no just excuses?”

I turned my gaze back towards him.

“It wouldnae be fair of me tae ask them tae be with me when am still so fucked up aboot Jenna. I need time tae deal with it.”

“Ye left yerself no way tae contact them when ye are ready.”

“Kit’s no ready either. Even when I am, there’s no guarantee they’ll want something with me. And they still live in England, Callan. That willnae work in the long run and I could never ask them tae uproot their life for me. Am no worth that.”

He gave me a look that spoke volumes. I tried not to flinch.

“Ye will be worth it for the someone who loves ye for ye.”

“I thought I was for Jenna.”

“Dinnae let what she did make ye feel like ye’re no enough. Am betting Kit thinks ye’re enough. I saw the way they looked at ye. How badly they wanted tae be near ye that they’d stay a whole week taking care of ye withoot a second thought.”

My hands curled around the mug as my brain desperately tried to disprove what he’d said. It couldn’t. I saw the way Kit looked at me. The things they’d said made it clear too. They liked me for me, just as I liked them for them.

“They didnae tell me they wanted more.”

“Aye, well, mibbe they were afraid… just like ye are.”

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