Page 113 of The Edge of Never

“I would’ve lost her even if she hadn’t died,” I said after a moment. “Oor marriage was done. And am no sure I’ve let mahself feel that.”

Callan nodded slowly.

“Am beginning tae see why her death messed ye up so much. The accident was bad enough, but this… well, it puts a new spin on things.”

I was aware of how much Callan had to put up with from me over the past two years. How he saved me from myself when no one else would or could. He knew how grateful I was for it, even if I never said it. Some things didn’t need to be put into words.

“I feel bad noo.”

I frowned.

“Why?”

“I pushed ye and Kit together, but I didnae know ye were dealing with this on top of the rest.”

My eyes darted to the counter.

“I knew ye were meddling.”

“And ye let me? If ye’d said something, I wouldnae—”

“Ye did nothing wrong, Callan. I like Kit even if we didnae get along in the beginning.”

He scoffed.

“I think ye more than like them.”

This man always liked to state the obvious. I’d got used to it over the years even if he did drive me fucking nuts with it.

“Aye, ye’re no wrong.” I set my mug down and rubbed my chest with one hand. “It wasnae like this with Jenna. Am no trying tae compare them but I… I’ve never felt this way before.”

“What way?”

I tried to put it into words, but it was hard for me to explain despite ruminating on it for days on end. Callan was the only person I could share it with, even if it didn’t make sense to me.

“Like I was gonnae lose mah fucking mind over them.”

“That narrows it doon.”

“I loved Jenna, but I didnae feel the way everyone says ye’re supposed tae feel aboot her.”

Callan cocked his head to the side.

“Ye mean ye werenae attracted tae her?”

“I thought she was beautiful, but…”

Why the fuck was this so hard to say? It made me feel strange to discuss such intimate things with my best friend. I barely even talked about them with Jenna.

“I never felt desire towards her. Have never felt that for anyone.”

“But ye dae with Kit?”

I shook my head.

“Am attracted tae Kit for who they are, and they’ve shown me things aboot mahself I didnae realise I wanted… intimate things. While I dinnae think I’d want them with anyone else, I still dinnae feel that desire that am supposed tae be feeling. I just want Kit.” I sighed. “I dinnae think am explaining this right.”

Callan smiled at me in a knowing way.

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