Page 56 of Mountains Divide Us

“It’s okay, Sam. There’s nothing you need to feel sorry about.” She took a sip, too, and then groaned. “Ugh. This stuff is disgusting.” Pushing her cup to the edge of the counter, she turned on her stool to face me. “When you’re ready, will you talk to me about this? I’m no expert, but I think maybe you have something in your head about adoption that might not be right. If you’d allow me to, I’d be happy to help you investigate. We can find out together.” When I looked up at her, she amended, “Only if you want. If I’m off base, just smack me.” She winced. “Are you gonna smack me?”

I shook my head, rolling my eyes, exasperated with myself inside, and Juni laughed.

“Thank you, Juni. That’s a really nice offer, and I would love the support, but I don’t know if I’m ready. I think I still… blame myself for what happened. I should probably get over that first before I look into adoption or anything else.”

“Yeah, I get that. But Sam?” Tilting her head, she caught my eye. “It wasn’t your fault. You didn’t do anything wrong.”

“Yeah.” I knew she was right. Logically, I knew that, but somebody needed to tell it to my heart. I mean, why me? Why my body? Why was my reproductive system a traitor when all I’d ever wanted was kids? I used to dream about it as a little girl, probably because I was always alone while my parents were off on their movie sets, ignoring their daughter and making masterpieces. I’d be this weird ever-pregnant earthy mama, with a clutch of kids, running around on some English moor, like in The Secret Garden. They’d have wild hair and would wear haphazard clothing, reading poetry and solving scientific equations. What? So the kids in my dreams were geniuses. Sue me.

“How are you gonna tell Frank? You are going to tell him, right?”

“I don’t know.” I turned back to my beer. God, why was this so hard? When I pictured telling him, actually pictured the words coming out of my mouth, I could never see the look on Frank’s face. Would he be angry? Sad? Disappointed? Would he hate me for leading him on? Was that what I was doing?

And why? Why did I care so much what he thought of me?

“Girls?”

Juni and I both turned at the sound of Cal’s voice, and when I spotted her walking across the bowling alley toward us, I smiled. I should’ve known Cal was in a bowling league. She was dressed in the official bowler’s uniform, black slacks and a rose-colored league shirt, with flowery lettering like the Pink Ladies jackets from Grease. Her team’s name was The Wisper Willows. She’d wrapped her wrist in a brace, and I wondered how she was able to fit her fingers into the holes on her bowling ball with those long red nails of hers.

“Hi, Cal,” I said, motioning to her wrist. “Are you okay?”

She looked at it and then held it up in the air. “Oh, this? Yeah, this thing gives me an edge. Makes my wrist even stronger so I can get more strikes. But shhh, don’t tell the Barton Belles. They don’t need to know our secrets. We’re gonna beat them so bad this year.”

Juni laughed. “Your secret’s safe with us.”

“Are you bowling tonight?” Cal asked.

“No,” I said. “We just came for a drink after work.” I grabbed my Solo cup and went to take another drink but, when I caught a whiff, decided against it. I set it back down, thinking that I should probably brush my teeth when Juni dropped me off at home before Frank picked me up for dinner at his house.

“Excuse me, ladies,” Juni said. “I need to run to the little girls’ room.”

Cal took Juneau’s bar stool when she was gone, looking me square in the face. “Why don’t you want to adopt?”

Sputtering at her extremely forward question, I didn’t quite know how to answer. “I-I, um, I mean, there’s just a lot to it, and I don’t have a lot of money. I’m young. I’m not married. I don’t know. I just don’t see it happening for me. I-it’s hard to imagine.”

“Well, there are different ways to adopt. Some are more expensive than others. It depends on a lot of things.”

“I know,” I said. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to offend you earlier. I’m sure your experience with adoption was really positive.”

“You didn’t offend me, but I don’t think it has to be all you’re making it out to be. And it wasn’t always easy. Herbert and I did have money to spare, it’s true, but we waited years before we got our girls. I thought it wouldn’t happen for us either. I cried myself to sleep many nights.”

“You did?”

“Yes,” she said, plucking imaginary lint off of her black wrist brace. “I had a uterine tumor when I was about your age and had to have a full hysterectomy at thirty-one. So I understand. I just wanted you to know that.”

“Thank you.” Taking a deep breath, I asked, “But how did your husband handle it? I mean, how did it affect your relationship?”

She looked at me, and I wondered if, in the confines of Cal’s mind, she was deciding how much of her wisdom to impart to me. Sometimes I got the feeling that Cal was on the top of the world, looking down at the rest of us.

After a minute-long silence, she answered, “He mourned the loss, just like I did. Of course, he got over it faster than I did, but he was a good man. He waited for me patiently. The right man will for you too.”

I nodded, hoping she was right.

“You have my cell phone number, don’t you?” she asked.

“Yes.”

Stepping down from the stool, she said, “Well then, maybe use it. You may be young, but you aren’t the only one who can text up a storm. I’m on TikTok.”

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