Page 41 of Mountains Divide Us

“I mean, I climbed on top of you back in the parking lot, but you keep saying this can’t happen.”

“Yet. It ain’t happenin’ yet.”

“Why do you get to decide?”

“Why can’t I? It’s my choice too.”

“I’m sorry,” I said, nodding. “You’re right. You’re absolutely right. It’s just, I guess I thought, or I hoped—”

He frowned in confusion. “What?”

“Never mind.”

One eyebrow tipped up in a warning. “Samantha.” What would he have done if I’d disobeyed him? My pulse ran away from me when I imagined the possibilities.

But the need to please him won out.

“It’s nothing. I thought that—I-I…” Resolving to get the thought out of my head, I said it quickly. “I hoped you’d be so turned on by me that you wouldn’t be able to resist.” How’s that for feminism?

“You think it’s easy for me to tell you no?” Now he pulled me closer, whispering, “Since the first day I met you, I have wanted you. Why on God’s green earth do you think I come to the library every week?”

“Why did it take so long for you to ask me out?”

“Truth?”

“Yes.”

He sighed. “Because I was an idiot. I thought you were seein’ your friend, Brady. And once I realized you weren’t, I dunno. Guess I lost my nerve. Took me a while to build it back up. And you’re young. I wanted you, but I kept tellin’ myself I shouldn’t.”

“So the age thing does bother you?”

“Not anymore.”

“Then why are you denying me? I want you too.”

His eyes rose from my lips until there was nothing in my view besides warm gray irises. “Because,” he said, “if I make love to you, I’ll fall in love with you, but you’re not sure about me yet. You ain’t ready to decide.” He wasn’t wrong, but was I detecting fear on his part? Fear that I might not want him for anything more than sex? “I wanna know you better. Like what happened with that guy you told me about. You got sad when you mentioned him.”

“Oh.” Deciding just to brush over his “I’ll fall in love with you” statement because that was way too complicated in the moment, I explained. Vaguely. “It wasn’t about him. I mean, it is, but it’s not like I miss him or anything. It’s just some old history. It makes me sad sometimes.”

“Tell me.”

“No.” I shook my head, loosening his hold. “I’m sorry, but I don’t want to talk about it. I like this thing between us, and if I go dredging up the past, it’ll change.”

But the truth was that I was terrified he’d reject me if he knew I couldn’t have children. Everyone else had. I had. I was still blaming myself.

“That’s life. It’ll do that now and again. But I’ve heard talkin’ makes it better.”

“You don’t know that,” I whispered. How could he? We barely knew anything about each other at all, and if I dumped this huge thing on him, he’d run screaming for the hills.

A smile formed on his face, but it was sad, so many lines creasing around his eyes, and it was the most beautiful smile I’d ever seen. “So then, we ain’t ready for sex.” He licked his lips slowly, his eyes fixed firmly on mine. “It’s a damn shame, too, ’cause I’ve been dreamin’ up ways to make you come for a long time.”

Had all the oxygen just been sucked out of the room? I was pretty sure it had. “That’s sexual blackmail.”

“No, Samantha, it’s called give and take. I need more from you in order to give you more of me. Nothin’ wrong with that.”

Yeah, except giving him more of me was dangerous. I’d given everything to Tyler, and he’d walked away without a second thought, and that was after I’d conceived and miscarried his child.

Was there anything left for me to give?

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