Page 40 of Love Wasted

“Seriously, Richard, it’s nothing. Uh, is everything okay?” I can hear the annoyance in his voice but if I’m honest, I can’t bring myself to care right now. It’s like we just can’t get in sync, and it’s exhausting. He’s obviously upset, and I’m not giving him what he wants—something he isn’t used to from me.

“You tell me, Cass. Is everything okay?” His voice is harsh and condescending.

My eyebrows narrow. “Richard, hold on a minute.” Holding the phone away, I let Pax know I’ll be back. He gives me a look of concern, but I wave him off. I wait until I’m in my room before I respond to Richard. “Okay, I’m alone now.”

He laughs. “What, you couldn’t answer that question in front of Paxton?” His tone is sarcastic and unkind.

“Look, Richard, I’m not sure what is going on with you, but no, I couldn’t. Obviously you’re upset about something, and the personal aspects of our relationship are none of Paxton’s business.” I’m angry—one, because of his tone, and two, because he’s implying something without coming out and saying it. “Now, as for your question, everything is exactly as it always has been from my viewpoint. It seems you’re the one with an issue.”

Richard releases a frustrated sigh. “It just seems you and I are in different worlds lately rather than just having different ideas about how we structure this relationship. I feel like you’re farther away than you’ve ever been and Paxton is the common denominator when it comes to timing. So, I have to ask, is this coincidental, or is it more?”

When I answer, I’m not sure who I’m lying to, Richard or myself.

“Paxton has nothing to do with us, and I’ll repeat that until you understand.” I sit in a chair in the corner of the bedroom. “Look, I know I have been all over the place for months. It’s just the two of us, we’re so…so…I don’t know, but I’m trying to figure out how we work now and in the future. I thought you understood.” Although this is how we’ve always worked, I can admit—at least to myself—that recently I’ve been even more distant than normal.

“I do, but it seems like more lately, more than you’re admitting.” There it is. Maybe he’s more intuitive to my feelings than I’ve given him credit for over the years. Now instead of agitated, Richard sounds resigned. “I’m sorry I’m being an ass. I know we’re not really together so even if I wanted to be pissed about Paxton, I don’t have the right, but Cassandra, you’ve been my girl for a long time. I can’t think of a time I ever felt like I was sharing you with someone else.”

I hear him. I know what he’s saying, and he’s right. I’ve never shown interest in anyone else in the last five years of our off-and-on relationship. He never knew there to be anyone else, and why should he have? There really wasn’t, even if Paxton was always there. It was easy to maneuver around his ghost.

“Let’s have dinner when you get back in a few days, okay? We can talk then, and I promise we’ll figure this all out.” I mean it. I want to figure this out so I can feel normal again because between fighting with him and Pax, I’m exhausted.

“Sounds like a plan. I’ll be home around four on Thursday afternoon so I’ll swing by at five for an early dinner.”

“Perfect! I'll be ready.” We both sound more cheerful, but lately, there is always an underlying threat to the comfort between us. “Bye Richard. See you when you get back.”

He doesn’t say anything for a minute, and I’m unsure if he hung up. Then he finally speaks. “Cassandra, again, I’m sorry I was a jackass.”

“Richard, stop. I’ll see you Thursday,” I insist.

“Bye,” he says, hanging up the phone before I respond.

Suddenly, I’m overwhelmed by a feeling that something has shifted between us, that there’s something we both know we need to do. I only know I want to be fair, to myself and to him.

When I go back out to the living room, Pax is surfing channels.

“Hey, everything okay?” he asks without turning his head to look at me.

As I step around the couch and into his view, he looks up at me. “Yeah…yeah, all is good. I’m sorry I left you to clean up the mess.” He watches me carefully. “Let’s watch a movie. I’ll grab the ice cream.”

---