Page 71 of The Promise

I swallow and wait for her to continue again. She’s being more honest than usual, maybe due to the few drinks she’s had tonight, and I’m eager to listen.

She laughs without humor this time. “You know that quiet, awkward girl in high school? The one who had her head in her books and barely said a word? That was me.” She shrugs. “I kinda went through my teen years waiting for some magical, perfect guy to sweep me off my feet. And that just…didn’t happen. It was immature of me to think a fairytale existed.”

I know the girl she’s talking about. It isn’t hard to picture Sophie that way. She isn’t extraordinarily shy anymore, but she’s still awkward, in the most endearing way. And she evidently still expects the fairytale.

“I missed out on some good guys, probably,” she continues, staring down at the streets. “Because they weren’t perfect enough in my eyes. I had a few short relationships after high school, but nothing stuck. Nothing went very far…obviously.” She blushes and takes a deep breath. “I was bored and I started to worry I was missing out on something important. I mean, everyone else was doing it, right?” She glances at me and then looks away quickly and clears her throat. “So, last winter, I kinda snapped and had a one-night stand. I thought maybe it would make me feel better, or at least make me feel something. But it just made me feel worse.” She shudders. “It basically scared me from taking a risk ever again.”

I suck in a long, slow, silent breath. It’s all making sense now. Our failed night in Long Island becomes clearer; the way she was so nervous to flirt with me, her eager but anxious nature as we rode back to my hotel, and the sudden shift in her demeanor once things heated up.

She laughs again, taking another drink. “It’s so ridiculous. Nick is right. I’m freakishly innocent. It’s embarrassing.”

I smile. “I don’t think it’s ridiculous at all.”

She shoots me a look that says she doesn’t believe me.

“You’re still so young, trying to figure yourself out. I don’t think you have anything to be embarrassed about.”

“You say that like you’re an old man.” She frowns.

I laugh. “I feel like it sometimes.”

She turns away again, becoming almost a silhouette against the city lights. I try to carefully put my words together in my head before I speak. I don’t want to make her so uncomfortable that she’ll stop being honest. “Can I ask…what happened last winter…with the guy? Why did it make you feel worse?”

She takes a breath and speaks to the railing. “It was a mistake. I wanted to just…let go with someone. Get out of my head and let the moment take over. It sounded exciting…to forget my inhibitions for once. So, I agreed to go with this awful college jock back to his room because he was hot, and he was all over me, and I was…curious.”

I turn my beer around in my fingers, listening patiently.

“I figured I’d give it a try, right?” She frowns at the horizon like she’s re-living it all over again. “I went into it willingly…very willingly.” She pauses. “He was into me, and I thought that meant something, until…” She grimaces. “Let’s just say he got what he wanted…only what he wanted…and then told me to go home.” She tightens her grip on her bottle and closes her eyes. “If you’ve never felt worthless before, that’s a good way to find out what it’s like.”

It's my turn to frown. He took advantage. Jerks like that make a bad name for the rest of us. Sometimes we just want a woman for a brief moment, just to scratch an itch, but I wouldn’t dream of taking only what I need and then telling her to leave. Especially if it’s her first time. Maybe this guy didn’t know, but he still has no excuse.

Sophie is clearly traumatized. The fact that we almost slept together now holds so much more gravity. If her first and only other experience was so disappointing, she was and is still justifiably afraid of being vulnerable again.

I speak cautiously. “So, you wrote off adventure after that?”

She shakes her head and finally looks at me. “No, not adventure. Just risk.” She blinks at me bravely, trying to focus through her obvious buzz. “I still want the adventure. I’m so afraid I’ll end up with someone dull and predictable. I want the thrill.” She closes her eyes again. “My only real boyfriend barely touched me. He said all the right things, but I don’t think he meant any of them. And he never looked at me like he really wanted me. I could tell he was just going through the motions. I want to be with someone who can make me feel things. Someone who’ll grab me and ravish me because he can’t help himself.” Her throat constricts as she swallows and looks at me again. “But I want it with someone who actually cares. I want it with someone I can trust and someone who really wants to be with me. You’re not gonna get that from a one-night stand with a stranger.” She lets out an exasperated laugh. “I guess…I want like…endless one-night stands with the same person.”

She tears her eyes away from me and stares down at the streets below. I would be lying if I didn’t admit that this newfound knowledge of her innocence sends my feelings to a new level. Not in the creepy, disrespectful way that it does Nick, but in knowing that Sophie is starved of the attention I already so desperately want to give her.

I gulp.

But I take a slow breath before I say something I shouldn’t. I know myself and my own feelings, and I know I can’t give her everything she wants. It’s simple. “You want commitment.”

She nods, but then shakes her head. “Yes, but…I’ve been waiting around too long for someone perfect, and that hasn’t happened. So, commitment, yes, but I have to remind myself not to write everyone off for every small flaw, you know?” She looks at me again for understanding.

I smile tightly. I understand. My heart actually understands more than my brain does. I want it too; a happily ever after. I wish I was as willing to accept commitment with open arms as she is, but even the sound of the word still sends a bad taste to my mouth. Clearly burned in my mind is the memory of finding Heather with that all-too-naked idiot in her apartment, and it’s something I’m not going to easily forget. Commitment is dangerous. Just as dangerous as a risky adventure is to Sophie.

“You’ll find it,” I finally say, because I know she will.

She exhales. “At this point, I’m not sure he exists.”

I smile softly. “He probably doesn’t even know it yet. But he’ll be a lucky guy.”

The corners of her lips turn up. “Eh, thanks.”

“And if you need me to dump water down anyone else’s pants, let me know. I’m your guy.” I grin.

She laughs, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear.

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