Page 44 of Prairie Sky

“Damn.” Hayden commented as he ran his hand through his hair and took a seat next to him on the couch before continuing, “Does this have anything to do with Ever leaving?”

Ben gave his brother a sideways glance and gestured to the coffee table where her note to him sat.

Picking up the letter, Hayden began to read it, his eyebrows raising. “Wow, Ben, I’m so sorry,” he said, looking up and giving his brother a pitiful look. “Do you think she is going to come back?”

“I have no idea.”

“Did you try to contact her?” he questioned.

“No,” he growled and took a swig of his beer letting the liquid numb his emptiness.

“Well, that’s your first problem, then!” Hayden exclaimed. “You need to get clarification.”

“What’s not clear?” Ben asked, rising from the couch and pacing the floor in front of it. “She said I am a distraction; I distract her from her dream and the life she wants!” He stopped and ran his hand through his beard in frustration.

“That’s not how I see it, Ben.” Hayden offered.

“How do you goddamn see it, then?Because all I see is that I have lost her completely!” Ben shot back, complete anguish on his face.

“Settle down Bro.” Hayden encouraged, patting the couch where Ben had been sitting. Ben sank to the couch, utter defeat washing over him. Leaning forward, he ran his uninjured hand through his hair.

“I want to marry her, Hayden. Get hitched, have kids, the white picket fence, the whole thing,” he confessed, looking at his brother with sorrowful eyes, glossy with tears.

Hayden reached out, putting his hand on Ben’s shoulder in reassurance, and they sat there in silence for a few minutes. Breaking the silence, Hayden offered his advice. “I would give her a few weeks, but honestly, bro, I would go to her.”

“Go to Toronto?” Ben asked, his eyebrows shooting up in question.

“Yes.” Hayden smiled. “Have you ever heard of a grand gesture?”

* * *

The next three weeks dragged out with no word from Ben. Ever tried to go about her days, but he consumed her thoughts. Was he mad? Was he hurt? Her note was not a breakup, just a slow down. Just a moment to breathe and figure out what she really wanted. She didn’t know how to proceed, and the radio silence from him was deafening.

To keep herself busy, she started the task of emptying the boxes she had brought with her. Her father’s keepsakes, pictures, and some of her childhood belongings. She opened the box with her father’s favorite books and ran her hands over their titles, thinking of him. Oh, how he loved these. Picking up the Catcher in the Rye, she held it in her hands and smoothed over its cover. Remembering her father’s journal and his entry mentioning the book and the first time he spoke to her mother. She smiled as she opened the book, the PRIMROSE HIGH SCHOOL stamp in the front cover. She noticed a page bent over and turned to it. Underlined was a quote:

“I think that one of these days,” he said, “you’re going to have to find out where you want to go. And then you’ve got to start going there. But immediately. You can’t afford to lose a minute. Not you.”

Ever read the words out loud, letting them soak in and looked down at the book again. A little corner of white paper peeked out of another part of the book. What’s this? She thought, pulling it out and opening it. It read:

Ever,

If you are reading this, I am gone. You have probably found my journal and understand how important this book is to me. Before this dusty old cowboy gets too sappy, I want you to know I am sorry. The day you left Prairie Sky, I said things, hurtful things, things that I am certain broke your heart. I have no excuse for the angry words I said, other than to say my words were those of a protective father wanting to keep his daughter close. Having you here on the farm made me feel closer to your mother. Did I ever tell you that you look like her? So beautiful. I miss her, Ever. Every single day. She left us too soon. The day you left to pursue your dreams, the day you left and vowed to never return, it felt like she died all over again. I felt guilty holding you back, but I was selfish. I was selfish about so many things. I selfishly changed your name (which you have probably figured out already). Your mother named you after her in some ways. Violet and Daisy, a perfect bouquet, she would say. I would call you my flowers. When she died, I shut down. Hearing your birth name made the loss of your mother worse. It made the cut deeper. It is something I am not proud of, so I kept it from you. Again, I am sorry. I am sorry for so many things.

You have probably already figured out that your mother was an artist, too. I would love to watch her draw when I could. When the busyness of farm life allowed me to. Oh, how she loved to draw. She would be so proud of you and your successes. I am proud of you Ever. I know I never told you, and for that I am sorry. Ms. Lynette showed me how to use Google on the computer and I searched for your name. Yes, this old dog can be taught new tricks! I even have one of your pieces hanging in my office. Not going to tell you what I paid, but I can tell you I sold 3 sheep at auction to afford that painting. Art is expensive. Worth every penny, though. Looking at that painting made me think of your mom and of you. It made me feel closer to you both and if I could picture heaven, it looks like you’re painting. Knowing that I will someday sit on that bench with my sweet flower again gives me peace.

I wanted to see you many times. I bought tickets to fly to Toronto but cancelled them each time. Before I knew it, before I mustered enough courage, too much time had passed. You had grown, your life was so different from life on the farm. I was scared. Felt guilty. I was not sure if you wanted to see me. My fears kept me here at Prairie Sky, watching you from afar, wishing our relationship was different. Wanting to hug you, my sweet daughter, and promise to be the father you needed me to be. Again, I am so very sorry. I love you, my girl. Despite my harsh words and actions, you are always in my heart and part of my soul. I am proud of the woman you have become. So strong and independent. No matter how old you get, you will always be my sunshine and all the stars at night, just like I would tell you as a little girl.

And my sweet Ever, if you are lucky enough to find true love, go to it, cherish it, hold on to it with all that you have. Because true love is not just a feeling, it’s a sacrifice.

Love You always.

Daddy

Shaking, Ever cupped her mouth, letting a sob escape, tears trailing down her face. Her father’s last words to her, all the things that were unsaid between them. Everything she needed so desperately to hear. Clarity washed over her as she now knew exactly where she belonged and who she belonged with. Would Ben want me back, or had I broken him too much?

* * *

Walking into the Eazy, Ben immediately spotted Hayden and Bea sitting in a far corner of the café waiting for him.

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