Page 19 of All I Want is You

“I miss you too.”

I sleep most of the day on Sunday. I didn’t think I was that tired. Maybe I was. Maybe I’m lonely. Maybe I’m bored. I don’t know what I am. I have a few missed messages from friends and my mom. When I finally feel like talking, Mom is the first one I call.

“Hello, darling. I was going to just call you as well. I sent that text hours ago. Are you okay?”

“I just slept a lot. I guess I was tired.”

“You burn your candle at both ends, Hayley. You must have needed it.”

“You sound like Gran.”

“Sound thinking is sound thinking. I was going to see if you wanted to join us for dinner. I know Wesley is away.”

“How did you know that?”

“Eli mentioned it. Do you want to come stay with us for part of the time? I know I’d like it. I feel disconnected from you.”

“I don’t want that, Mom. What if I come stay tomorrow for a couple nights? I have a project due on Monday, so I’ll want to stay here with my computer. The laptop just isn’t good enough for what I have to do.”

“The cat will be thrilled her person is back and your father will have a partner to watch the game with too. Sounds like everyone wins here.”

I suddenly ask the question that’s been floating around in my brain. “How did you do it, Mom?”

“What do you mean? Do what?”

“I feel like until I was about six Dad was gone a lot for work. Is that right?”

“Your memory is right. He was gone even more until you were born. After you came, he cut back to emergencies and once a quarter. That was still a lot with a busy elementary school child and an infant.”

“How did you manage it? I mean, I’d like to know about the kid part, but I’m more interested in the missing dad part. How did you make it work, especially before Eli and I were born?”

“Well, I worked full time until you and your brother were born. That was a godsend. I also did things with Eli’s school and some other volunteer projects that didn’t take me away from you and Elijah.”

“So you just kept busy. Is that it?”

“No. We didn’t have the advantages you have now. You can video chat, you can email. I had to wait for that call to come. I couldn’t text him and have that instant response. You’re lucky in that respect.”

“It doesn’t make missing them any easier.”

“Sweetheart, are you missing Wes?”

The question comes at me in a wave. I am. I am so much. “I don’t know why this time is different.”

“This time is different because the stakes in your relationship are so high. You haven’t had time to just be a couple. You went from being friends to feeling like you are married.” I can feel a flush run through my body. I fling the blanket off me and seek the open door next to me for air. “Hayley? Are you still there?”

“Yes. I’m sorry. Yes.”

“I didn’t say that to draw light to something. I’m simply making an observation. When two people come together, who are used to going one hundred miles per hour, things can get complicated.”

“I didn’t want this to go fast. I still don’t. But, Mom, he’s having a baby. That’s not going anywhere. I’d rather be a hot mess about it with him than miserable without him at this point. I thought I knew what love was. I had no clue. Remember Henry? I thought I’d never love again after that.”

“I remember, sweetheart. You were both so young and had a lot of living to do. Hayley, I worry sometimes that this is too much for you. You’re so tenderhearted. I don’t want to see you shattered.”

“I’m not shattered, Mom. I’m overwhelmed and I’m trying to figure things out. That’s hard to do when the other half of me isn’t here.”

“Have you and Wesley talked about everything? Your brother filled us in on all the drama surrounding finding out he was going to be a father. None of that could be easy for him or you.”

My mother hits every feeling I have out of the park every time. I fold myself to the floor and roll to a starfish position on my back. I look up at the ceiling fan rotating slowly above my head. “None of it’s easy, Mom. Don’t get mad, but it’s fucking bullshit.”

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