Page 19 of Analysing Her Assets

“What about you Tamari? Are you seeing anyone?” her father asked. He never asked her that.

She saw Gideon this morning. He and his muscly legs showed up, and she handed him Giddy without a word, and he brought her puppy back up forty minutes later. He seemed preoccupied. It shouldn’t have unsettled her that he wasn’t flirting or smiling at her. Except it did.

“Huh?” Tamar asked. “No, I’m not dating anyone. It’s too much trouble. I’m focused on work.”

“I don’t understand why you’re not even trying,” Einat said. Her father nodded. “When was your last date, when I was ten or something?”

Tamar had tried dating later than when Einat was ten. During her twenties, she’d dated several men. They were as selfish in bed as out of it. She’d given up a couple of years ago when she discovered that the last man, the one who loved giving her foot massages, was giving massages to two other women besides her.

She looked pleadingly to Tally for help.

“Tamar is right. Men are a distraction and end up being total shitheads,” Tally declared. She could always rely on Tally in that respect.

“Tally is right. I love my job, it’s very fulfilling. And I need to win that position.”

“Come on,” Einat insisted. “There must be something that you like outside your job.”

“I like you, my family.” Tamar went over to Eyal and Giddy, joining Eyal in caressing Giddy’s soft hide. She was greeted with evident enthusiasm and didn’t have to answer hard questions.

“But you never enjoy yourself, Tamari,” Einat insisted. “I never hear you do anything other than to go to work. That’s sad.”

The raw pity in her baby sister’s voice sliced her open.

Home, work, then back home. At home, there were always more financial reports to go over, urgent IPOs to analyze. Then back to work. A work horse with a visor. The most exciting things to happen to her, for years, were bumping into Gideon Sela and adopting a puppy she hadn’t even wanted.

She could see far into her future. A straight road, stretching behind and ahead.

“I don’t like anything,” she cried out. She wanted to hurt them all back. “I can’t afford to, right? I guess it’s not enough that I make money to help Eyal get therapy and martial arts classes. To enable you, Einat, to go to university. Now I need to have a man to make you all happy!”

Her shrieks made Giddy bark. She drew her knees and laid her forehead on them, swallowing down the sudden tears. She heaved deep breaths, frightened by the intensity of her outburst.

“That’s enough, Tamar,” her father said. She raised her head. Tally looked at her with a pained look. She shouldn’t have rubbed it in her sister’s face that she was helping her financially. She glanced at Eyal, whose mouth was open and his eyes rounded.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” she apologized, trying to bottle in these unwanted, unexpected frustrations. “I didn’t mean to.”

She sniffed. She caressed Eyal’s head and whispered to the boy. “I’m sorry, Eyalli.”

“We’re all very grateful, Tamar,” Tally said coldly.

“Wow. Short fuse, Tamar,” Einat said. “What’s the matter with you today?”

She kept thinking about a brown-eyed guy, how she had absorbed every waft of his breath, wishing he would crush his lips on hers. She longed to talk to Gideon, have him smile at her, feel his hands on her again. And she knew it wasn’t possible.

She got up from the floor and approached her sister.

“I’m sorry Tally, I didn’t mean to...”

She squeezed her sister’s arm, trying to convey her regret. Tally met her eyes and nodded her forgiveness.

“Tamari is right. She doesn’t need a man. Men aren’t worth it,” Tally declared loudly.

“I’m sorry Tally,” she mumbled. Out of the messy tangle of emotions, shame at her outburst was the most prevalent.

“It’s okay, sis,” Tally said quietly.

“Wasn’t it worth it to be with Mr. Jerk, just to have Eyal?” Einat asked.

They all looked over towards Eyal and Giddy’s corner. Eyal was trying on Giddy’s bowl, wearing it like a hat. Giddy was a healthy eater, but the sticky white and brown remains colored Eyal’s hair and cheeks.

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