Page 27 of Owning the Prez’s Ol' Lady

“God has already forgiven you, Oren. Can’t you feel it? He forgave you the minute you committed them.”

“Then why do I still feel so lost? Why does it feel like all my sins are trying to suffocate and drown me at the same time? I live and breathe sin like it’s in the air circling around me, a constant vortex of corruption that’s just waiting to swallow me whole.”

“Because you haven’t forgiven yourself, Brother Oren. Once you do that, and you repent, releasing the guilt you’re holding on to so devotedly, that’s when you’ll feel his forgiveness surrounding you again. That peace inside you’re missing.”

“Can God forgive me for the heinous acts I’ve committed? For the secrets I still hold on to because I’m scared if I divulge them that the chaos will just return, and tear me apart again?”

He patted my shoulder. “I’ve watched you grow over the years, and though you keep this sheltered part of you shielded from the darker half of your soul, there are parts of your darkness that have peeked through, parts I know you wish you could snuff out forever. He sees that too and still surrounds you with the love and light you need to keep moving through this world in his shadow.”

Nodding, I silently agreed with his statement. “How do I fix the mess I have made of my life, Father? How can I get those I have forsaken to forgive me?” My eyes wandered up to the window, hoping that by some off chance, Aileen would be standing there again.

She wasn’t.

And my heart hurt because of it.

“First, you need to look inside yourself, Oren, and figure out what your heart truly wants. Then, you need to release all that guilt building inside of you. Sometimes, that means revealing things you may need to repent for later.”

Somehow, Father Joseph made perfect sense. In order to repent my sins, I needed to come clean, that meant telling Snyder everything I knew.

“Your eyes say you know the path you need to take in order to find your resolution, my son.”

“I believe I do, Father. Thank you.”

Slowly, we stood, his warm, caring eyes, twinkling in the sun’s bathing light.

“Should that path lead you back here, just remember that bitterness and betrayal are born from the roots of love. Roots run deep, Brother Oren. It takes a lot of poison to kill a root that runs that deep.”

“You’re probably the most philosophical man I know, Father Joseph. Thank you for always blessing me with your guiding light.”

He nodded.

“I will always be here for you, Brother Oren. I just hope you can find the absolution you are searching for.”

Reaching for my phone, I fired off two texts, then pulled up the number for the man who needed absolution of his own. I just hoped he’d forgive me once he realized how much I was actually keeping from him.

Chapter Twenty

Shasta

Another two weeks came and went. It seemed like I was living on the cusp of the fantasy life I always wanted, playing house with a man I didn’t deserve, falling easily into the role of girlfriend without the words ever being uttered between us.

Besides small kisses here and there, our relationship moved at a snail’s pace, and internally I knew that was my doing.

Guilt was always gnawing at me inside, leaving me desperately grasping at the small tendrils of hope and happiness being around Joe brought me.

But I didn’t love him.

Not like he did me.

You could see it in his eyes when he looked at me, that look of complete admiration—a devotion I didn’t deserve.

“Babe, want some popcorn?” Joe asked from the kitchen.

“Sure,” I said, my thoughts cycling through the men who got me to this moment. I knew what Joe wanted from me. He wanted me to become his... mind... soul... and body. But once I did that, this emotional cheating would turn to physical, and once I crossed that threshold, I knew I would be lost to the Lewd Outlaws forever.

So, why was I still holding on?

Why did I still pine for Snyder from afar and wish for him to randomly show up and claim me as his own? Did I actually want to go back to that lifestyle? Returning to the toxic realm of bikers who lived and breathed death and destruction like it was molded into their DNA?

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