Page 30 of Ariel's Ruin

“I…”

I lay my hand on his chest and shake my head to prevent him from saying anything more. Prevent him from apologizing.

“It’s me. It’s not you,” I say breathlessly. “I’m sorry.”

“It was too soon,” he mumbles anyway.

I shake my head so hard my neck aches. It does nothing to dispel the darkness from my mind. It’s cruel and black and nasty. Nothing I can do to chase it away, because it’s all there is. There’s no source I can see, no end. No escape.

The terrible truth is that I might never be ready. Might never be able to enjoy his kiss and his touch. And right now, that seems like more than just a possibility. It seems like a certainty, and I don’t want to talk about it. I don’t want to think about it.

“Come on, I’ll buy you lunch,” he says breezily, as though all that darkness in my mind wasn’t preventing me from seeing his face clearly on this sunny day.

He stands up and starts putting away his guns.

“You’re better off without me,” I say and rise slowly. “Just take me home.”

He shakes his head. “Nah. You’ll feel better after some fries and a milkshake. I always do.”

“Seriously, don’t waste your time.” I can’t meet his eyes even though I want to. That light of the sun in them would break through all the darkness, I’m sure. But what’s the point? “I’m too broken.”

He takes my chin in his hand and forces me to look at him. Into the sunny warmth of his eyes, the intensity that is hotter than the sun.

“That’s a fucking ridiculous thing to say, Ariel,” he says. “What you are is gorgeous and pretty much perfect, as far as I’m concerned.”

I shake my head, but weakly. And I can’t find the words to protest, because I don’t want to.

He grins. “Besides, if you think I’m settling for a little taste of you then you’re dead wrong.”

His words—the raw finality of them—fill me with equal parts fear and intoxicating anticipation and the latter is winning.

“Fine, if you don’t mind a project,” I mutter.

He smiles again and releases my chin. “I don’t. And I don’t mind waiting either. Because I can already tell you’ll be worth the wait.”

I could argue. Tell him he’s wrong. But what if he’s not? And why try to cut down the magic of his words, when the darkness in my mind is already dark enough?

And maybe it lifts a little as he lays his arm around my shoulders and leads me to his bike. Maybe a little ray of sunshine got through the black clouds when he said what he said. Maybe there’s hope. Maybe this time I can surrender and only good will happen.

17

Ruin

Like always, just nearing Fire & Heart Inn makes me want to stop, turn around and speed off in the opposite direction. By the time I reach the dusty, sun-scorched parking lot I can hardly remember what it felt like sitting next to Ariel in the woods. But I’ll never forget kissing her for the first time. Not for as long as I live. Too bad the memory will probably have to sustain me for a good long while yet. The rejection burned, I’m not gonna lie. But not in a way that made me want to do anything about it right then and there. I used to be pretty much a good boy, before my parents were killed and I became a killer in turn. And it’s real easy to remember that good boy when I’m with Ariel.

Lunch made her relax again. I could see it in her eyes and read it in her smile. But what I also read was that I better not try to kiss her again anytime soon. How do I feel about that? Not good. Frustrated comes close, but at the same it time doesn’t. At all. But I didn’t lie. I can wait.

“You did not leave me alone here for the whole day again,” Edge growls at me as I pull up next to him by the front door.

The stench of sun-cooked puke is rising heavy all around us and the expression on his face could be explained away by that. But the disgust and anger on there is all for me.

I climb off my bike and shrug. “I couldn’t sleep. Besides what are we even fucking doing here? Wasting our time, that’s what.”

He shakes his head, the disgust on his face deepening. “We’re doing what we were told to do.”

I laugh. “And it’s not our place to question orders.”

The place is not nearly as packed as it was this time yesterday, but that only makes the music sound louder and the conversations coming from inside more jarring. The fact that I haven’t slept much in the last two days probably has something to do with that too. As does the crash and burn of that kiss.

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