Page 7 of The Gift Of Life

I shrug. “Who knows?”

“Things are that bad between you and Harper?”

I take in a slow breath and exhale even slower. The feel of the burn in my lungs is exactly what I need.

“The worst. I don't know how to reach out to her. Every day she gets further and further away from me. We live in the same house, but we're like passing ships in the night.”

There's no point in me hiding anything from Derren because he knows me better than anyone.

“I honestly don't know what to say. I was so sure you two could get through anything together. I don’t know what you’re going through, to lose a baby at that stage...” He blows out a breath and shakes his head. “I’m here for you. You and Harper. If you need anything, you know I’m only a call away.”

“Cheers, bro. I’ll bear that in mind.”

I’ve never imagined my life with anyone other than Harper. Kids or not, she is my life. My love. My everything. We must figure this out. There is no other way.

Chapter 2

Harper

I should have been upset when I got Drew's text to say he was stopping off for a beer with Derren after work, but I wasn’t. I was relieved. It gave me a little more time on my own before I had to suffer more fussing, more questions, more pointless chit-chat. When I’m alone, I can just be me. I don’t have to try and be anyone other than grieving Harper.

When you lose a baby, everyone thinks they know how you’re feeling. They say silly things that just make you angry, and then you’re in the wrong for showing that anger. Unless someone has faced this loss, then they can never know what it feels like. My heart feels like it’s being torn from my chest. I can’t breathe. I can’t even function most of the day. The only thing I can think about is Angel. Our beautiful little girl. I think about the short time I held her inside me and try to think of something that I could have done differently.

What did I do wrong? I am so fed up of hearing, “it was just one of those things.” It was not just one of those things. Things like that do not happen to genuine people. Something caused her death and I need to know what.

My phone rings on the table and I see my friend’s name. I love Pete, but right now, I just need to be alone. I will apologise for sending him away from here earlier today, but not yet. It means that I have something to apologise for, but I don’t.

I’m grieving.

“Harper?” I hear the front door close and Drew's voice echoes down the hallway. “Hey. I brought dinner with me. Your favourite.”

My favourite is Chinese food, but I can’t stomach eating anything. I feel sick at the thought. Everything I try just sits heavy on my tummy and it ends up down the toilet. I can’t remember the last decent meal I ate.

“I’m not hungry.”

A bang in the kitchen echoes around the quiet house, and I close my eyes. I brace myself for what’s to come, but nothing does. Drew just keeps quiet. I wish he would argue with me, scream at me, throw something. Anything other than pussyfooting around me. He’s too kind.

“How was your day?” Drew comes up behind me, kisses the top of my head, and throws down his car keys on the table.

“It was...” I see the glimmer of hope in his eyes that I’m going to spark up a conversation, and I hate that I’m causing him more pain. I don’t mean to; I just can’t function normally right now, and I don’t know how to fix that. “It was okay.”

He nods and sits down beside me. He takes my hand in his and my whole body tenses like I’m not used to his touch anymore, and that breaks my heart. I used to crave his touch in any way I could get it.

“Do you fancy watching a movie after I’ve had a shower?”

I can smell the alcohol on him, but I just shake my head. “I’m going to have an early night. I’m exhausted.”

I get up off the couch, but Drew catches my arm. I look down at our connecting limbs. “We can’t carry on like this, sweetheart. Losing Angel was one thing, but we’re losing each other. We're fading away right in front of each other and that scares me.”

Tears fall down my face and I can’t do anything to hide it. I really shouldn’t have any tears left to fall after the last eight weeks.

The subtle reminder of all the times Drew has touched me floods my brain, and a tidal wave of emotions circles my body from head to toe.

Sitting around Drew’s family table on a Sunday isn’t out of the ordinary for us, but today is different because we're about to tell his family that we're no longer just friends. That we are dating. I know they’ll be over the moon about it, but it doesn’t take my nerves away. I’ve bounced my knee, twiddled my thumbs, picked at my sleeve, bit my lip... there is nothing else I can do to try and hide my nerves. Samantha, Drew's mum, is filling the table with every yummy Sunday lunch food you can think of from roast beef to potatoes and then some. The dining room smells delicious.

“I’ll help.” I stand up to help Samantha collect all the dishes and bring them through, but Drew catches my hand. I look back at him slowly, hoping the ground will open up and swallow me, but instead, the room falls silent. Drew stands up. Instead of saying anything, his warm hands circle my cheeks. He draws me into him and kisses me slowly, deliberately, taking his sweet time. The room erupts in whoops, cheers, and clapping.

“I told you so,” says Derren. “It’s about god damn time.”

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