Page 4 of The Gift Of Life

“I can, unfortunately, feel the bulging membranes, which is the sack of waters that surrounds the baby. I’m sorry.”

Tears roll down my cheeks. I was hoping we’d be able to leave here and laugh about me pissing my knickers. I should have known better.

Drew clears his throat. “But the baby is okay, right?”

“Let’s get the scan done and then we can discuss a plan of action.”

The midwife pulls over the ultrasound machine and the room is deathly quiet. It’s a stark contrast to the celebrations we were having a short while ago.

“Some cold jelly,” says the midwife.

I can’t look at the screen. I can’t bring myself to see my baby again knowing this could all end right here and now. That it might have already ended, and her heart might no longer be beating.

“Okay. So, this shaded area is showing no fluid. It confirms what we already know. Your waters have broken, and the baby has no fluids around it.”

“She. She’s a girl,” I snap.

“What can we do?” Drew ignores my outburst and the doctor puts everything away while the midwife cleans up my tummy and rights the blanket. Everyone has a job to do. They have a purpose. What’s my purpose? I can’t even carry a baby like women are meant to.

“The baby can’t survive without fluids at this gestation. The fluids are what mature the baby’s lungs. Without that fluid, the baby’s lungs will not be able to grow and function...”

“But we only need to make it to twenty-four weeks. That’s viable. Right?” I suddenly find the energy to fight. My daughter deserves that much.

“Technically, yes, but because the baby will be without fluids for three weeks, the chances of her lungs being strong enough to survive the outside world at that gestation is very slim.”

“What are you saying?” asks Drew.

“Medically speaking, the best and safest outcome is for Harper to deliver the baby today.”

Deliver the baby today? Those words jump around my head like a scrambled mess. That can’t be right. I’ve heard him wrong.

“But she’ll die.” I sob. “You just said she can't survive the outside world. I’m not giving up on her. I’ll fight with her. As long as she has a heartbeat, I will fight with her.”

“This could be very dangerous for you, Harper. Infection can set in quickly if it already hasn’t.”

“I don’t care about me. If I can fight, I will. I don’t feel ill. I’m fine. My daughter needs me to be strong.”

“I thought you might say that.” The doctor sighs. “So, in the meantime, we’ll take bloods, start antibiotics, keep an eye on you for a couple of days, and then we'll allow you home until you reach twenty-four weeks.” It sounds an awful lot like the doctor has memorized those words from a manual, and I don’t like that we’re turning into a statistic.

“It sounds like you’ve given up before this even begins, Doctor,” says Drew.

The doctor shrugs and holds out his hands. “Lawfully, in the U.K., we cannot intervene before twenty-four weeks. We can try to prevent infection setting in for Harper...”

“Have you ever seen a good outcome from our situation?” I ask.

He takes in a deep breath. “Once. But although the baby survived, it wasn’t without complications and life-changing special needs.”

“I’ll take my chances." I don’t want to hear the medical jargon. People’s bodies are not a manual. Everyone reacts differently. If everyone’s bodies behaved the same way, then doctors’ jobs would be easier.

The doctor gets up and leaves us sitting. “We have a good bereavement counsellor on the ward if you...”

I lift up my hands in a surrender pose and stop the midwife from wasting her breath. “She isn’t dead yet. Please just leave me alone.”

I can’t deal with any of this. I rub my hands over my tummy and feel little flutters under my palms. She’s fighting. She can do this. I know she can. Together, we can take on the world. Girl power.

Drew sits on the side of the bed beside me and takes me into his arms. “I'm scared,” he whispers into my hair. “I’m scared of losing you both.”

I can’t say anything to that because I don’t know what’s going to happen. All I do know is that I can’t give up on my daughter. I’ll give up my own life if it means saving hers.

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