Page 46 of The Ones We Fight For

“I know what’s in front of me. Why do you think I’m in love with him? I’d rather have him as a friend than not at all because I ruined it by inserting my feelings into the mix. I can’t lose what I already have.” When Amala just blinked at her stupidly, Talia sighed loudly, annoyed that she was having to explain herself. “What?”

“That’s the first time you’ve said it out loud.” A soft smile settled onto her friend’s face, and Roscoe looked just as enthralled. “You are in love with him.”

“I…” Talia closed her eyes miserably and took another deep breath. She’d been so careful not to admit to it in the last few weeks and was pissed at herself for falling. Walker was never supposed to be her type. The uncertainty of it all wasn’t the kind of self-esteem boost she needed right now. “Okay, fine. I am. A little bit. But I’m not gonna go writing it on a cake.” Holding up the frosting like a weapon, she pushed her way to the sheet cake and started to squeeze the frosting out over it, eager to leave the conversation in the dust.

It only took ten minutes to destroy the cake. Not only was the writing sloppy and crooked, but Talia ran out of room on one end to write the word “Birthday,” so she had to continue writing up the side. It looked like a five-year-old had written it. Walker would make fun of her relentlessly for it. She was never going to live this down.

Distracted by the many declarations made before she went to war with a bag of frosting, Talia couldn’t focus on the cake to save her life. Even if she refrosted the whole thing, it would still end up looking atrocious. And maybe she wanted an opportunity to laugh about it with Walker. To see if she could tell for herself whether there was any love behind his smile. The kind that took over his whole face was the most intoxicating, like a drug she would forever be hooked on. Had she self-sabotaged just for an opportunity to see it?

What is wrong with you?

When Walker was around, Talia felt like she could cut the sexual tension with a knife, but she had thought it was one-sided. Her side being the freshly sharpened blade, while his was the dull back of the knife. It still might cut something, but like a butter knife, it required lots of force and a questionable amount of sawing. Walker might be attracted to her like Amala and Roscoe suspected, but not enough to make a move.

Risking everything by telling him how she felt wasn’t worth it. At the risk of losing the family she had just found and the companionship of someone who knew her beyond words, she would bottle up her attraction forever. Belonging somewhere, having a seat at a Thanksgiving table and people to buy Hanukkah and Christmas presents for was worth the pain of loving Walker. Would she love to finally feel his lips up against hers? Of course. She could almost feel it, a phantom touch, she’d thought about it so much. Despite the yearning like nothing she had ever felt before, the outright feeling of being known down to her core outweighed the lust. It was more intimate than sex ever could be, although she had a feeling Walker could prove her wrong if they ever crossed that bridge into the bedroom.

The decorating passed in a blur of thoughts and daydreams of what could be. Walker holding her hand at Carter’s basketball games. Walker kissing her in the aisle before tossing more Pop-Tarts into the cart as they grocery shopped for all the meals they would eat together. Walker grinning next to Colin at his graduation while Talia snapped the picture, only for him to request that a random passerby take the picture so she could be in it too. Walker holding a newborn.

And just like that, the daydreams broke into a billion fractured pieces.

It wasn’t real. Some weren’t even possible. Not for her. Those dreams belonged to someone else. Someone else was going to make him happy the way that he made her happy.

“Where’s your head at?” Amala’s voice said from atop the step stool where she was hanging streamers from the ceiling.

“Oh, just torturing myself again.” Talia passed a dark-blue-colored roll of streamers up the ladder. “I feel like a middle school girl with all this bullshit floating around in my head all the time. I’m just short of writing ‘Talia Hartrick’ on a binder and decorating it with a bunch of obnoxious hearts. He’s like a… a really hot parasite.”

“You don’t even need to write his name on a binder. His name is all over the calendar on your phone.”

“Shit, what time is it?” Talia frantically whipped out her cell in a panic. Bolting toward her bag, she left Amala standing at the top of the step stool, waving a haphazard goodbye. “I have to take Piper to therapy, and I was supposed to leave five minutes ago! Love you! Thanks for everything! See you tonight!”

Chapter 16

Talia

Racing toward the school with a lead foot, Talia found Piper standing out front, a textbook lodged under her arm and a bright smile planted firmly on her face. Piper jogged toward the car and got in, looking as though she wanted nothing more than to spill fun facts about her life to a random stranger with a degree. Walker had mentioned Piper was thrilled about therapy, but this was over the top.

It was a nice idea to be excited about getting help, but Talia couldn’t stomach the feeling that Piper was unprepared for the amount of work and thought that would go into it. Therapy was a process—a sometimes harrowing one. The first session wouldn’t necessarily involve tears, but it wouldn’t be sunshine and roses. Piper reliving her parents’ deaths and the lost dreams of having them around in the future wasn’t going to be a walk in the park. And so, Talia geared up for a hard discussion about maintaining expectations and the realities Piper would soon face.

“How’s everything with the party? Everything set up?” Piper enthusiastically buckled her seatbelt as Talia pulled away from the curb.

“Almost. Are you ready for your appointment?”

“Mm-hmm, I’ve even got a notebook so I can take notes, and I’ve been listening to a playlist I made to get me in the therapy mood.”

“Oh… that’s nice, but, Piper, I hope you know it might not be as fun as you think it is,” Talia said gently, trying her best to ease the girl into the conversation.

“I like writing poetry, working on myself, and answering questions that really make you think. This will be good for me.” Piper wiggled excitedly in her seat, confirming that she didn’t understand the full weight of what she was about to experience.

Finger tapping against the steering wheel, Talia calculated her best move. Therapy wasn’t a fun philosophy class; it was a place where one second you were okay, and the next you were broken down, wondering how to put the pieces of your life back together while you mourned the loss of your future. To get the most out of her session, Piper couldn’t hide behind her ambition or her routine. She would need to break those walls down.

Walker would be the one to walk Piper down the aisle some day, not Cole. Talia hoped she was at least filling a little of Paisley’s role in her daughter’s life, but nothing was ever going to make up for that loss. No one could fill the empty spot of a mother who was no longer around. Talia knew from experience. Piper would soon have to face everything that she had lost, and it wouldn’t be pretty.

Talia never had a father in the true sense of the word. Her father's death only brought more pain and suffering and a tiny amount of relief, knowing he could no longer hurt anyone else. But Piper, Piper had a father. One who cared and loved her deeply. Talia wasn’t sure which one was truly worse: having one to begin with and losing them, or never having one at all.

“Piper,” she finally said, her voice cracking with emotion. “It’s okay to not be okay. No one is expecting you to be happy all the time. Therapy is going to be a painful place because it’s going to be somewhere where you have to confront all your feelings of loss, heartbreak, fear—everything. I don’t want you to feel like you have to play the good girl. You’re allowed to be sad. You’re allowed to be angry. You’re allowed to say how you really feel with no consequences, even if it doesn’t feel particularly great to say out loud at first.”

When there was no response, Talia glanced over at the passenger seat to find Piper’s face devoid of color. She was a girl on the edge, holding back tears for everyone else’s benefit.

“But that’s who I am,” Piper murmured softly. “I’m the one that holds everyone together with happiness.”

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