Page 38 of The Ones We Fight For

“You never got to meet my brother and sister-in-law. I’ve never met two people who were more in love, and I guess the reason I don’t date for longer than a few months is because I’ve never…” Clearing his throat, he shook his head, and the normal coloring returned to his face as he pointed at her. “Anyway, I think you and Paisley would have been best friends. I’m sorry she didn’t get to know Amala, either.”

“I get it,” Talia replied quietly, still on track with their original conversation.

Walker had given up so many personal things about himself during their conversation, and she had provided very little. The inequality of that hung thick in the air like molasses. She took more vulnerability than he was willing to share without something in return, and the imbalance of their friendship was clawing at her insides, begging her to tip the scale back. What she needed to say worked its way to the surface, pushing down the fear of saying it out loud and rendering herself unlovable. She had spent so much of her time guarding her heart from thinking about it that her nerves vibrated with terror as she let the words slip from her mouth.

“I thought I knew what love was, but in the end I was just left destitute, wondering if he ever loved me at all. I, um… I thought I was pregnant, and—” Talia choked on her words, and Walker’s hand reached out to brush her arm. The comfort of his touch made her feel safe again. “I went to the doctor, and we were so excited. He was really thrilled because we were already planning on getting married, and, sure, it was jumping the gun a little bit, but we were going to be happy, you know? Husband, big family, white picket… apartment,” she let out a small puff of air that resembled a laugh through her nose. “But when I went to the doctor, I was instead informed that not only was I not pregnant, but I can’t have kids. I have an uninhabitable T-shaped uterus and inoperable blocked fallopian tubes. Apparently, if the block was farther away from my ovaries, or only a partial block, I would have had a slight chance, but, lucky me, I have multiple diagnoses and blocks as close as it can physically get to my ovaries. Cliff would’ve stayed, I think, if I didn’t give him the choice, but… I needed to know. I guess now I do.”

“He left you because you can’t have kids? What about adoption? What about all the other ways people have kids?” Walker’s voice strained with a quiet anger. Talia could tell he was riled up in her defense, and it was sweet, but entirely unnecessary.

“Adoption can take a really long time. I know Carter was adopted under different circumstances, but how long did it take Cole and Paisley to adopt Pearl through an agency?”

Walker bobbed his head, already getting the point. “Five years.”

“Other methods can take just as long. People always assume that the answer to infertility is a quick fix, but the solutions are still an agonizing process. Of course I would want to adopt, but it would take years. Clifford always knew exactly what he wanted, and how quickly he wanted it. When everything changed, I could see the light go out of his eyes. Like I’d taken a dream from him.” Talia curled her lips over her teeth to keep them from quivering.

“You didn’t take anything. Anyone who wouldn’t be willing to wait it out through the harder times with you doesn’t deserve you.” Walker’s tone was laced with indignation, and Talia gripped his hand to calm him down. “He had no business even asking you to marry him if he couldn’t get through any of the hard stuff. It’s ‘in sickness and in health,’ not ‘only in prosperity.’”

“Walker, it’s okay. We didn’t quite get to the vows.” She offered him a soft smile.

“No, it’s not. You didn’t deserve that. You’re going to be a great mom someday. I know it. You’ve saved my ass so many times with my nieces and nephews. Whoever you fall in love with and whoever gets to be your kid will be lucky.” He returned a smile and squeezed her hand, the anger subsiding as his eyes softened on her.

“Thank you. I really hope so. Just gotta find someone to make a petri dish baby with me,” Talia jested, trying to bring the conversation back around to something lighter. Walker took her change of tone in stride.

“Is that a real thing?”

“I have no idea. Should we start on your stuff? I was thinking we should sync our phone calendars. That way we can both know what’s going on with the von Trapp Family at all times.”

“Really?” Walker jumped up from his seat again, but this time in excitement. Confused, Talia stared up at him, wondering if he had become a calendar enthusiast overnight. “Since you said that, I’m gonna go grab something from my car. I was worried it would be too much, but then… hell, I’ll just show you.” He jogged off toward the front door, leaving Talia looking after him and mumbling something that resembled an “okay?”

When he returned, Walker was carrying a very large dry-erase board under one arm and a bag of multi-colored markers in a Ziploc bag in the other. He flipped it around when he came to stand in front of her with one arm out to the side like he was saying “ta da!” Talia’s mouth dropped open. Between the color coding, near-perfect penmanship, and calligraphy titling, it was an organizational wet dream. Instagram moms everywhere would bow down to the chart. It deserved to be on Pinterest at least, if not have its own spotlight on Good Morning America.

“Holy Marie Kondo!” was the only thing Talia could think to say.

“My sister-in-law was nothing if not extremely thorough. It’s still got everything from the month that she,” Walker paused, swallowing down his emotion, “passed ‘cause I couldn’t bring myself to erase it.” He looked down at the board with the unmistakable far-off look that Talia had come to recognize was how he coped with any and all thoughts about his brother's and sister-in-law’s deaths.

“I hope you aren’t expecting me to be that good at this. I don’t think I could have been friends with Paisley. She would have made me feel extremely inadequate. This is pure art!” Talia exclaimed.

“Yeah, there’s no way in hell we’ll ever be this good, but we cantry? I was kinda hoping you would erase it. I’ve thought about doing it before and almost did once, but…”

“Right,” Talia nodded and looked at it again, biting her lip. “I’m going to feel so bad erasing it, though. I’d rather marry it.”

“You are such a nerd.” Walker grinned. “We can erase it together?”

“After I take a picture of it.”

Talia whipped out her phone and took several snapshots of the board laying on the ground before Walker pulled the one eraser from the plastic bag and set it down on top of the flat surface. He removed his dark green jacket and laid it over the arm of the couch before coming to sit on his knees on the ground beside her. The gray T-shirt he was wearing hugged his toned arms, and the tattoos climbing up his left one, disappearing under his short sleeve, drew her attention again.

It felt like one of those things you could stare at forever and still find a detail you'd missed before. Black smoke wrapped around the tree scenery depicted on his forearm like the aftermath of a forest fire, some of the branches half-demolished and seared. The plumes of smoke disappeared into a fine mist as they traveled up to his bicep, where cursive words were scrawled out like multiple pages of a diary or book torn straight from the binding. A large winged bird soared over the carnage of the forest, its feathers draping and covering some of the cursive before it disappeared under the hem.

They sat in silence for a moment as her eyes trailed over every pattern she could see. She should have felt ashamed for outright ogling him, but other than the night of Piper’s drunk walk when she was too distracted by his shirtlessness, this was the closest she’d come to seeing each defined detail of the tattoo. She’d seen glimpses here and there, but jackets and clothing were always in the way of appreciating the whole thing.

“A picture would probably last longer for this, too.” Walker smirked and pulled up the sleeve on his shoulder to reveal a little more of his arm.

“God, you’re annoying.” Talia rolled her eyes and reached out a tentative hand out to trace her fingers over his bicep. Heat spread throughout her body, but she couldn’t help herself. “What’s it all mean?”

Walker’s eyes locked on hers as he started off slowly. “The bird is an homage to One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest. So is most of the writing.”

“Why that book?”

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