Page 65 of The Puppeteer and the Poisoned Pawn

“How do I live like this?” I ask them, bile rising in my throat. “How can I survive without the sun? How can anyone go on?”

Ruth opens her mouth to answer but stops herself. Shakes her head with a quivering bottom lip.

Niles’s burned hand reaches for mine, gripping it tightly even though I know it causes him pain. “We are no strangers to the darkness, Skylenna. If hell is the only way out of this, we’ll crawl—or walk—or run through it together.” Niles tries so hard to hold in his cry that he begins to hysterically hiccup between his words. I squeeze his hand back until my fingers turn white.

Ruth reaches to place her hand over ours. “That’s right. If you can’t survive without the sun, then we’ll build a fire.”

Their sentiment chips at the iron wall around the soft tissue of my heart… but I’ve come too far. If I stop to grieve in their arms, then I’ll never get back up. The weight of the loss would crush me. And I’m not done searching yet.

I pull my hand away from them briskly.

“Stay with us,” Ruth begs, trying so hard to keep the tears at bay it nearly breaks my spirit.

“We’ll take care of you.” Niles is sitting up, wincing as he prepares for me to flee.

Take care of me? God, if only they knew how hard I heavily relied on Dessin for that same assurance. Take care of me. Protect me. Keep me happy. I leaned on him, weak and defenseless. He carried every threat, every danger on his back.

And eventually, it broke.

Carrying my burdens as well as his own was too much to bear. I can’t imagine what they did to him. How he coped when he was sitting in that asylum, and I was in Aurick’s house.

I lift my chin, cold determination strengthening the muscles in my back. I will never rely on anyone to take care of me again. Ironically, I’ve known how to fight all along. He gave me the tools I needed to protect myself, but they were buried deep. I won’t be the weak, shy Skylenna that wouldn’t fight Aurick back when he struck me down. I won’t be afraid to fight for my life or the people I love ever again.

I will be equal to or more powerful than Dessin ever was.

I will be the dragon that flies over men.

My legs straighten out as I stand tall, lifting my archer’s hood over my head. “One day, I’ll come back,” I say to them without making eye contact. “But there’s something I have to do. And I can’t come home to you until it’s done.”

20. The Guilt That Consumed Him

The remaining piles of ash skitter over my boots.

I stand before what’s left of Scarlett’s house. A giant charcoal shadow stains the grass in front of me, marking the earth with her tragic death.

I never thought I’d come back here. But there’s one thing I have to see for myself. One last memory I need the details to.

The burns on Kane’s back. He said he was here that day.

Panic and feverish nausea brew in my core. Sweat drips down the length of my spine, dampening my hands and slithering around the follicles of my hair.

I need this to be quick. In and out. No breakdowns. No lingering on the images I’ve tried desperately to forget. I will only gaze upon what I don’t remember.

Kneeling on the grass, my knuckles graze the last bits of ash sprinkled around the area. I wait for the pulse, the shift in reality. But it doesn’t happen as quickly as before. It lingers in the back of my mind, tickling my subconscious. The anxiety of it all builds in my lungs, strangling my windpipes.

Scarlett, please forgive me for digging up this last memory.

It’s blocked for a reason. I don’t even like thinking about this day, much less relieving it in a vivid hallucination.

Come on. I grip the ash tighter, willing myself to fall back into that moment. Doing my best to relax. To not be afraid of what I might see.

“Wait here. I’ll get the blueberries.”I hear my own voice whispering in the wind. Words I spoke moments before she ended it all.

“I’ll be right back. It’ll be fine. We’ll be okay.”

My stomach lurches with hot bile. I clench the ash harder, digging my nails into my palms.

Get this over with, dammit!

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