Page 49 of Lost & Found

“I don’t know what the fuck you want from me.” I turn back to the tool table and grip the edges with my hands, my red knuckles now turning white from the pressure.

“We just want you to be happy. man. I mean, we've technically been friends for a very long time. Sure, we didn’t keep in touch, but that doesn’t mean we stopped caring about you.” Mason tries to lower his tone to a more reassuring and mollified one.

I look up to see them both watching me, probably to make sure I don’t snap again. I know I’ve been sulking, neither of them knows what it feels like to lose something before they’ve really even had it. I fucked this all up and I can’t figure out what it’s going to take to fix it.

"Have I really been that bad?" I ask, already knowing the answer.

"We know girl-blues when we see them," Cody answers.

“You need to figure this shit out with Hollis, dude. I know she asked you for space, but her feelings can't be the only ones that matter." Mase leans against one of the posts, sticking his hands in his pockets.

“What if I make it worse?” I think of all that I've already done, all of the stress I've probably caused her.

Liam called me her enemy, and I never really processed that fully. Hollis once told me that I was the problem, and though I can see that pretty clearly now, I never understood what I might have done to make her need this much time away from me. Isn’t eleven years enough?

Unless I was right in my initial thoughts after my talk with Liam.

She felt the same way I did and I…I pushed her away. I made her feel insignificant and small. I quieted her voice and gave her no choice in the matter, and it made her feel worthless in my eyes.

Fuck. If that’s what’s been going through her mind this whole time, I can only imagine how this might have affected the rest of her self-confidence over the years.

“What can be worse than this?” Cody says, still nursing his jaw with the alcohol wipes that Mase gave him. "And yes, this fucking hurts you dick."

I chuckle, and for the first time in two months, I realize what I need to do.

“You’re right," I admit to Cody. This situation is entirely draining me of happiness, and I know that I need to give it my all before I can really walk away.

“Thank you! Now apologize for punching my handsome face. My girl is gonna be pissed."

"Paige will be fine, she'll probably think it's hot," I quip.

I take the guys’ advice, even though it might fuck up my chances even more, but I need her to know how serious I am.

I need her to hear my side of the story and more importantly, I need to hear hers.

Call me selfish, but I need to find her again.

sixteen

Hollis

"Girl,yourbathroomisway nicer than mine. It's not even fair." Jaelynn's playful echo bounces off the white walls in my nearly empty bathroom.

I haven't had time to decorate the place really since I've been keeping myself busy with lots of overtime at work, now that I have rent and other bills to pay.

"Have you talked to him?" Jae stops what she’s doing and looks past her image to find my eyes through the reflection in the bathroom mirror.

I wince. I know she isn't trying to re-open a wound that I just sloppily placed some tape over. But despite thinking about him more than I’d care to admit, it still hurts to hear his name out loud.

"You just had to, didn't you?" I ask, giving Jae the evilest of stares I can conjure. She smiles unsurely as she shrugs her shoulders and dips her head.

"I just wanted to know." She continues swiping the mascara stick against her lashes.

"No. I think you already know that I haven’t spoken to him because if I had, I would have told you. I think you just wanted a reason to bring him up because-"

“Because you miss him.” She finishes my sentence. And she’s not entirely wrong. I’ve always missed him. I just always made surehedidn’t know that.

I put my back to her so I can throw on a bra and the sweater I'm wearing for tonight.

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