Page 89 of Lost & Found

I especially enjoyed them the most when I didn’t get to see Jax as much because he’d be off with friends, so when he did come over, it was like visiting your favorite hideout spot. Mine was always on the roof. It faces the back yard and there’s nothing but fields behind it. But I loved being able to see him again after not seeing him for a few days. It was a novelty I didn’t know I enjoyed so much.

“How are you and Jax anyways? Have you guys talked about…” she waves her hand around in the air between us, “whatever this is?” She rests her hand on her hip playfully.

I never really said much else to my mom other than that one night. She knows about the fight that took place when Liam and I broke up because she was literally right inside the house. But she didn’t ask me about it and I didn’t want to bring it up. But I think now would be a good time for me to open up a little to her. I take a deep breath thinking about how much I want to say.

“I think we’re okay. We have talked a little these past few days and I think there’s still a lot of ground to cover, but I think we’re getting to a good spot.” I shrug my shoulders thinking about how nice it’s been being with Jax.

We’ve talked on and off the past week and yesterday got a little hectic for me with Jaelynn and work. But I think that was all a part of the process for us, figuring out how our lives work and if they can even work together. I know for me, I enjoy a little bit of space. For one, it’s all I had when he was gone, whether I forced it or not. But two, when I get to hear his voice or see his face after a small length of time apart, it just feels better. I really do think that things between us might work out in the end for the better.

“And what isthat spotconsisting of exactly?” My mom raises her brow at me and leans against the counter, taking off her apron and folding it down.

“What do you mean?” I question.

“Well, you guys used to be the best of friends. I know that changed when he left. But what about now?”

I know what she wants the answer to. I know she wants to know if Jax and I are going to start dating. My mom and Delanie always wanted us to be together. I feel like it was planned while they were deciding to get pregnant together. Though, Delainie got pregnant right away and I know my mom struggled for a few years until she finally found out she was having me. So maybe their plan was derailed a bit. Kylan and I are closer in age, and maybe he was the next step into making sure their kids kept them together for the rest of their lives, but I was never drawn to him like I was to Jax. And Jax was old enough to help watch me while our mom’s talked shit about the neighbors that came and went and Jax wasn’t afraid to play Barbies with me like Kylan was.

Whatever, it’s all speculation on my part—their masterplan to have children together who will be best friends or get married. But it makes me laugh to think about it that way. If only they really knew.

“He told me he was in love with me, Mom.” My mom gasps, but it seems kind of fake, almost as if she knew. “And I don’t think I expected that. The truth is, I had this heart shattering crush on him before he left. Best friend or not, I couldn’t imagine my life without him. He left and now he’s back and-” I cut myself off. I don’t want to say too much in the rare chance that I might start crying or rummaging through old thoughts that once occupied my head.

“It’s okay to want him again, Hollis. It’s okay to forgive him and for you to want things to be that way with him. First loves are not always that easy to navigate. They often come at a time you don’t even know you’re looking for love. But you know you want it, and it feels right. But first loves will most likely break your heart in ways you didn’t even know it could break because first loves usually happen when you’re young and you don’t know right from wrong. Last loves are even harder to navigate. Because now you know what you want and more so what you need. And oftentimes, last loves have a fear of causing damage or screwing things up because now that you’re older and you’ve been through the heartache and the pain, you know you don’t want to feel like that ever again, so you usually remove yourself from the luxury of a last love.” My mom dips her head and smiles to herself.

I can tell this moment means a lot to her, and honestly her words make a lot of fucking sense in my mind. I never knew how to feel when it came to love because I’d only ever gotten a sliver of that with anyone outside of my parents. And that person was Jax. I just didn’t know what it meant at the time.

And that’s how I know.

“You think it’s possible that one person can be both of those things? A first and last love?” I ask, feeling my heart grow warmer and the butterflies start spreading their wings under my skin.

“Absolutely, Hollis. Your dad wasn’t my first love, I’ll be honest. But I was his and we both are each other’s last. Love takes forms in all kinds of ways and happens differently for everyone. But if I know anything about you and about Jax. It’s that you both deserve to be each other’s last. And that is all that truly matters.”

Right as my mom finishes her sentiment, the doorbell rings and my heart jumps in its cavity at the same time a tear escapes my eye.

My dad peeks his head around the corner to tell us he’ll get the door and Mom and I both laugh knowing that he was there the whole time listening to us.

“You’ll know what the right thing is, my girl. And it might not always come easy and roads still might be tricky to navigate for a while. But that’s expected when the love hits harder and squeezes stronger. Love is not always meant to be soft and pastel colored. Sometimes the best love packs a punch.” She reaches up and swipes the tear from my cheek.

“Thank you, Mom. This was honestly way more helpful than the three years of therapy,” I tell her with a sarcastic smile.

“Don’t say that. I might have to ask for a refund.” We laugh right as Delanie and her husband round the corner.

“Oh, I invited Jaelynn if that’s okay. I know she and Kylan are dating so I thought he might deserve some company as well, first loves and all.” I sing-song.

“First loves,” she smiles at me and heads straight to accept Delanie’s hug.

Delanie's husband, Jeff, and my dad are already shaking hands with each other and Kylan walks in shortly after.

“Hey,” he says as he shakes off his coat and hangs it on the coat rack. I’m standing right outside the kitchen leaning against the wall by the stairs. I was waiting for Jax, but I realized he probably drove separately and will be close behind.

“Hey,” I say back. “How have you been?” I ask and as he removes his shoes at the front door. I mentally chuckle thinking about how polite this man is. Jaelynn must be eating him up.

She’s polar opposite. She likes to party and loves getting into trouble. This guy serves our country and opens doors for elderly people. I think I love them together.

“Been good. Just doing the life thing,” he smirks.

“I never really said thank you for taking care of Jaelynn that night.” I cross my arms over my chest.

“I never got to thank you for running after my dumbass brother,” he responds. He closes the door behind him and part of me deflates because I really wanted Jax to walk through the door.

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