Page 85 of Lost & Found

“Can I tell you something?” I wonder and he simply nods his head.

“When I was in therapy, I was told that talking to you about my feelings would have been one of the best-case scenarios for myhealing journey, they called it.” I gesture air quotations around those words. “Obviously that wasn’t an option until now.”

“And?” he asks.

“And…I think there is some truth to that,” I respond. “But I was also told that there might be some hardships if I ever did manage to try and navigate a new relationship. Whether it was with you or someone else. But there would always be a possibility that I might have some kind of hidden trigger and that I wouldn’t really know what it was until it smacked me in the face and all of my hard work could be untwined like a freshly rolled up ball of yarn.” The explanation seems silly, but it is a big concern for a lot of people who go through any kind of mental illness. The triggers. It could set a person’s whole life off balance no matter how “healed” they were to begin with.

“Do you worry about that now?” Jax brings himself in so that he’s sitting now instead of leaning on his knees.

The look in his blue eyes tells me that he’s committed to this conversation and to my feelings.

“All the time, I think that’s why I was so persistent on pushing you away at first and why it seemed like I was so back and forth. I knew what I wanted but I didn’t know what I needed.”

“Do you know now?”

“No, not really. But I know that I do want to try and make this work. I do want to forgive you, I kind of already have. I do want to go on dates with you, I want us to catch up and get to know each other in more ways than just your bedroom. But I want to continue doing that as well. I know that you didn’t intend to break me that day. And after hearing your side of the story, it makes it a little easier to try and erase the way I felt back then. I just-” He reaches up to swipe another tear off my face.

“I’ve got you, Hollis. I just need us to be communicative with each other. I need you to be open with me so that I know how I can help you if times ever feel dark like that again. Can you do that?”

“Yeah. I can try.” I try to muster up a small smile but everything just turns to tears and a steady beating heart in the arms of Jax. It’s a place I’ve yearned to be and now that I have it, I’m scared to let it go.

“We can start little. Whatever you’re comfortable with. If you wanna stay here a few nights, you can. If you want to go to dinner and a movie, we can do that too. If you just want to stay home and text me, fine. But I can’t risk losing you again. It drove me crazy when you kept trying to push me away.” His words are the most reassuring thing I’ve ever heard. He’s really serious about wanting to make this work.

“Did you come back here and expect to just have me the way you wanted me?” I decide to ask, because I want to know if he intended for us to end up this way. Not that it would do anything other than make me feel like a bigger asshole because all I really needed to do was hear him out to begin with.

“Not initially, no. Ididintend on finding you though. I will always find you, Hollis. I knew I had to ease back into there being anusin any way shape or form. But I realized something the first day I saw you again,” he eats up the space between us and gets closer to my face.

“What was that?” I ask before biting my lip.

“That I never truly fell out of love with you.”

thirty

Jax

Afewdayshavepassed since I confessed some deep shit to Hollis. I’ve spent most of my days this week at the shop and any free time I had, I spent texting or calling Hollis. Our schedules haven’t really lined up this week; I work ten-hour days and she works most nights.

Things have been feeling very fluid with us. Our conversations are light, we don’t say too much except for sweet nothings here and there. Okay, that's a bold-face lie. I tell her how I can’t wait until I can look up at her from between her legs again and she sends me one of those melty face emojis. I tell her how pretty she is every morning and she teases me and tells me that she gets that a lot. I know she’s only fucking with me but it still doesn’t make me any less jealous or angry and the thought of anyone else texting my girl.

Despite what we have or haven’t made official, she ismy girl.

But now that it’s Saturday, I know I don’t have to wait long before I can actually see her again. I’m working all day while she hangs out with Jaelynn, who I found out is dating my brother.

I don’t have the closest relationship with Kylan but we don’thateeach other. I just think that when your mom favors one kid over the other, the animosity is a little natural. We don’t really pay much attention to each other’s personal lives unless it gets brought up at family dinner. So tomorrow will be like one big family reunion, kind of like old times.

“You working hard over there, or hardly working?” Cody yells at me and I flip him off.

“What are you? My dad?” I joke back and he subtly smirks and walks away.

I’ve been looking at my phone like a madman all day and hate that it’s already in the late afternoon and she hasn’t responded to mygood morningtext from this morning. I know I shouldn’t let my mind wander into unknown territory like this but the conversation from a few days ago still sits heavy in my gut, like I swallowed a paperweight. Though we’ve talked a little here and there since then, I feel as though the deeper stuff we allow each other to settle into will always stick out a little more than the small talk. I just want to make sure I get this right. And though there was a lot of great progress made, I still think about what Hollis said about triggers. I would really hate it if I triggered something for her. I really want us to work on this second chance together and not have to worry about pedaling backwards for any reason.

At the same time, I’m fucking reeling. I never thought that she'd give me—or us—a second glance after the way she'd been acting at first. But it was valid, of course. I just didn't know that at the time.

Coming back home was mainly to appease my mom, but never in those eleven years did Hollis ever truly leave my mind. I knew coming back would be a chance for us to reconnect. Did I plan to seek her out in an intimate way? Not entirely. I knew I wanted to confess some things to her, one being that I'd always have a place for her in my heart. Loving her was a hidden truth I had to hang on to and bury for a while. When you sleep with girls to try and forget about the one that you never really had in the first place, you quickly learn that they might never be able to replace the only one that really matters.

Hollis and I ended our relationship—not by my choice—as friends. Friends who became strangers very fucking quickly so coming back was never a guarantee that we'd pick back up where we left off but I certainly didn't expect what I got instead.

I had planned to come back that following year for summer break. But she ghosted me. And sure, I didn't know why, but once that first year passed, I had busied myself so much that I didn't see the point in doing those things anymore, so I never looked back. But she was always locked away in my heart.

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