Page 45 of Sin

He turned away, like it hurt to look at me. “You left me, Sin. Not the other way around.”

I blinked, coming out of the memory which had haunted me every day in prison.

The team were all still waiting on me for an answer. And I could have decided to hell with it and told them all my mistakes where it concerned London. They already found me to be an awful human being, so it wasn’t like they’d be surprised. But I stilled my tongue.

Because it wasn’t mine to disclose.

“Why London has issues with me,” I said, standing from the floor and looking each and every one of them in the eye, “is none of your business. I understand your concerns, but that’s something to take up with him, not me. So if you really want to know, then pull on your big kid underwear and ask him yourself.”

Finished with this conversation and more than a little wasted considering I’d barely eaten today, I gulped down the rest of my drink and tossed the bottle in the small trash can in the room. Well, attempted to. I missed. “Thanks for tonight,” I said, gesturing around the room as I stood on wobbly legs. “I think I really needed this.”

They didn’t try to stop me as I turned on my heel and headed into the other room, even though I wouldn’t have supervision in here. The rule was bullshit anyway. We all knew I wasn’t going to run.

If they had a problem with me being alone with London, then they could send someone in to babysit. I didn’t care. I just wanted to sleep off the day, and I wouldn’t be able to fall asleep with them all hanging out in the room. Besides, I wanted to be near London.

Letting the door shut behind me, sealing me alone in the room with a sleeping London, I leaned back against the door and stared off into the room.

In the dark, it was easy for my anxiety to creep up my spine, whispering worries into my ear and speeding the ticking of my heart. I tried to fight it off, even going as far as doing those panic techniques I’d researched on one of the tablets.

I mentally listed several things I could hear. From the open bathroom door, the faucet dripped, dripped, dripped against the sink. Stray cats hissed from outside the room, and a police siren sounded somewhere far in the distance.

In the room, I spotted the red light on the TV, indicating it was off. Then the minifridge, the artwork and random stain on the ceiling.

But even as I tried to stave off the panic, it kept coming. Flashes of nightmarish memories imprinted behind my lids, even when I tried to squeeze them shut. Because there was no hiding from a memory, not when it could follow you behind closed eyes, could replace your dreams.

I didn’t even remember sinking to the ground, but by the time my mind began to clear and the memories gave me reprieve, I found myself flat on the floor, the back of my head aching.

My fingers shook as I pushed myself to my hands and knees. I struggled to stand because every muscle ached and refused to cooperate properly, but I couldn’t stay blocking the door. I didn’t need the others on the team to find out about my panic attacks. Though, for all I knew, they were already aware of them.

Shaky and jittery, I tried to breathe long and slow. Willed my heart to stop sprinting so damn fast.

With the sparse amount of light from the alarm clock on the nightstand, I spotted London sprawled out on his stomach on one of the beds. He was snoring deeply, and a half-smile tipped my lips as I shuffled over to him.

Seeing him helped abate my anxiety, and I let myself take him in. The trembles stuck around, but at least my heart had calmed some.

He’d fallen asleep with his shoes on, like he’d planned to come hang out with us after his shower but had ended up passing out instead. I snorted, taking it upon myself to pull them off for him. Then I took one of the spare blankets from the closet and draped it over his form since there wasn’t any chance that I’d be able to move him under the duvet.

I wanted to slide into bed next to him, but I didn’t want to seem like I was overstepping. But really, I could have used the presence of someone beside me while I slept. I hadn’t had someone hold me while I slept in too long, and I missed it.

But instead of doing what I wanted, I crawled into the other free bed, wondering if any of the others would be joining us in here to sleep.

I was so drained I could barely pull the blankets over myself.

And there I stayed, my body like Jell-o and my brain a sluggish mess. The taste of beer clung to my tastebuds, making me wish I had enough energy to brush my teeth right now. Loneliness kept me company as I drifted off to the soft chatter of the others in the main room. My gaze drifted to the sleeping man across from me, wondering how everything had gone so wrong and led us here and how I could fix it. If I could fix it.

Because damnit, I was tired of being alone. Always so alone.

Chapter Nine

Do you rub books on yourself?

The end of summer carnival was in full swing by the time we pulled into the congested parking lot. People teemed the rows, some coming, some leaving. Several families hauled off screaming, sticky toddlers. A couple cars down from us, a group of teens laughed at something on someone’s phone as they hung out around their pickup truck. Here and there, I spotted the occasional lone carnival worker dissociating on their lunch break.

It seemed normal enough.

We’d left the inn before the sun had even crested over the horizon. London had been out of commission for the entire drive and flight to Lucas’s location, completely drained from using his power too much. But after several cups of coffee, a handful of pills, and some dark sunglasses, he’d started functioning like an actual human being again.

But now we were here, surprised to find the area to be taken up by a carnival. We’d stopped to change and eat breakfast at a small diner in town, knowing we couldn’t go walking into the carnival dressed how we usually did. Well, some of us, at least. We’d stand out like crazy, and the last thing you wanted to do when hunting someone down was to draw attention to yourself.

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