Page 101 of Sin

London stiffened, nostrils flaring as my words registered, as their meaning settled in. I couldn’t meet his probing gaze, didn’t want to see if now that London saw how fucked up I was, now that he had an idea of some of the things done to me down in that prison, if he’d be disgusted by me.

The rational part of me knew those thoughts didn’t make sense. I hadn’t asked for it. Had fought my assailants every time they tried something. But their depravity lingered in my thoughts, tainted my dreams until I couldn’t escape their phantom reach. Those specific memories were the ones I refused to let out of that locked box.

“Unpleasant memories,” London echoes, his tone deathly quiet. “Someone assaulted you?”

With a shaky breath, I forced myself to be brave. Even if it was fake. Even if it was for a little bit. “Not often,” I admitted, voice thick.

“Sin,” he whispered.

I couldn’t believe I was telling him this, making him listen to my issues, but it was like now that I’d started, I couldn’t stop confessing everything. “At first, it was only taunts and beatings. Until it wasn’t. Until the beatings weren’t enough for them.” I swallowed. “Sometimes it felt like I deserved it.”

“Sin,” he said again, horrified by my words.

I met his stare, letting him see all of me. Every little broken piece of me held together by Scotch tape. I had a lot of issues, so many that it overwhelmed me to even attempt to list them. Like Mend had pointed out, I needed therapy.

I wasn’t perfect. Far from it. I was a cracked vase, only one wrong hit from shattering irreversibly.

“What can I do?” he asked, sounding so fucking lost it broke my heart. “I don’t know what to do, Sin. How can I help you?”

“I just don’t think I can handle that position, but I do want you, London. I’m sorry. I didn’t know that would trigger me. I… Can we…” I reached for his hand. “Can we try again? Just slower? And maybe not… in that position?”

He hesitated, but then he was tugging me into his lap. His warm arms hugged me to his body, and with a sound of relief, I sagged against him. I hadn’t even realized how tense my body had become, but every muscle felt overused and spent.

“We don’t have to do anything you’re not ready for. I’m sorry that happened to you, Sin.” He squeezed me gently. “But I would never force myself on you. Never. Please tell me you know that?”

I smiled and kissed his cheek. “Yeah, I know. But I want this. I need this. Need to feel you moving inside me. Are you willing to try again?”

His concerned eyes scanned my face. “Are you sure?”

Instead of answering, I turned in his arms, letting my legs fall open on either side of his hips.

His breathing stalled, and slowly, his hands moved to grab my waist. “What should I do?”

I smiled. “Kiss me.”

A slow smile spread over his face, and a hint of amusement lit his gaze. “I can do that.”

Cupping the back of my neck, London dragged my lips down to his. The kiss started slow, our mouths slanting over the other, our tongues tracing teasing trails over each other’s lips.

Gentle hands skimmed the skin beneath my shirt, and I sighed against his mouth as they teased a light line along the waistband of my jeans.

I deepened the kiss, tangling my tongue with his before giving it a playful suck. He groaned, his fingers gripping slightly harder. I missed this. Having this intimacy with him.

Slowly, his hands started to pull my hips down and forward, encouraging me to rock against him. I didn’t hesitate to do just that, loving the way his hard length rubbed against mine but hating the fact that we had clothes in the way.

“Is this okay?” he asked, breaking away from the kiss.

I nipped along his jaw and up to his ear. “Yes, but want to know what would make it even better?” He mumbled something nonsensical, and I chuckled lightly. “Less clothes.”

My hands found the button of his jeans and quickly undid them. His breathing picked up as I dragged his boxers low enough to release his cock. But before I crawl lower and suck on him, London stopped me.

“W-wait, I don’t have lube or a condom.” He licked his lips, looking a little frenzied. “But if you want me to, I’ll ditch everyone and go get them right now,” London said, very seriously.

I laughed and pulled out the travel sized container of aloe vera lotion he’d bought me at the carnival. I’d kept it on me, right beside the sunscreen and medicine bottle in my pocket. “We can use this. As for the condom, I’d rather feel you bare anyway.” I hesitated. “Unless you…”

He shook his head. “The team gets tested regularly for STIs, and mine are negative.”

I should have been relieved, but I’d also noted how he’d avoided my unspoken question. But that was his business to tell me if he wanted to. Something that could come later.

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