Page 110 of The Fallen One

The vibration of the engines hummed through my body as I set my forehead between my palms against the wall. Her soft, imploring tone called to something deep within me, but I had to shut it out. Had to remain on task. On target. Unmovable. To keep her safe.

Unable to bring myself to talk, or to let her in, I remained quietly standing there. Racing thoughts all leading one direction. On one target. Craig Paulsen.

Over the years, I’d come to the conclusion that someone connected to me, who had intimate knowledge of and access to my work with the CIA, had placed Rebecca in Andrew’s line of sight. Never had I imagined it’d been someone Rebecca had personally known who led her on that dangerous path.

But that photo of Craig and Andrew together was taken three weeks before Rebecca’s first dinner with Andrew. Given Craig’s job, he probably knew about my employment with the Agency back then. That or Rebecca had opened her mouth to him. At this point, nothing would shock me when it came to her.

The fact they’d stayed friends after I’d asked Rebecca not to wasn’t surprising either. I knew that much based on what he’d said to Diana in that limo.

At that memory, my body heated again, and my fists went against the wall as I remembered Diana’s story about Craig cornering her. He could’ve hurt her, and . . .

“Carter?”

Working to control my breathing, I finally pushed away and went to the door. Squeezing my eyes closed, I unlocked and opened up, not ready to look at her. She’d witness the rage inside me, glasses or not. I couldn’t control it. Every muscle in my body was taut, tense, and focused on one need only: to kill.

At the feel of her arms looping around my waist as the door thudded shut, I went still. “I’m so sorry,” she cried into my chest.

I remained unmoving, unable to hug her back while locked into that one dark mode.

“I need to talk to your mother. She knows something about Craig. She has to,” I gritted out, finally opening my eyes, my fuse still lit.

“Okay.” She was shaking against me, and I couldn’t even hold her. Too afraid I couldn’t be gentle. I might accidentally squeeze her too hard, and I’d never be able to live with myself if I hurt her.

“But why would my mother not warn the President about him if she had any clue he could be a threat to national security? And wouldn’t the CIA, or whoever managed my project in Amsterdam, be super thorough in their background checks for all those involved?”

She had a point. Two, actually. I had to try and search the logical part of my brain to accept them both. To not assume Craig was guilty of being behind all of this until we had more proof. I didn’t want to misplace my anger and lose sight of the true target if it wasn’t him. Still, I was convinced he’d placed Rebecca in harm’s way, whether inadvertently or not.

“Your mother knows something.” I shook my head. “It can’t just be that Rebecca and Craig were friends behind my back, and—” I cut myself off, the answer now surfacing through my anger. My shoulders collapsed from the weight of the truth. It was right there, in my face the entire time. How had I not seen it before? “He’s the one Rebecca had an affair with, that’s what your mom knows.”

She pulled away from me, steadying herself with her back to the door as she worried the side of her lip between her teeth. She kept her hands at my sides, not breaking that connection as she lowered her chin to her chest.

“You know, too, don’t you? You overheard. Eavesdropped. Because neither of them would ever tell you that.”

Tears nearly blocked the blue of her irises as she looked up at me. “I’m so sorry.”

I gently removed her hands from my waist and stepped back. I wasn’t rejecting her touch, I just needed a second. Just one. Okay, maybe two, to wrap my head around it all.

I went over to the bed, dropping down next to my hat I’d already tossed there.

“She became friends with that asshole after I warned her to stay away from him. She cheated on me with him, then stayed close with him even after that. Why would she . . .” I rested my elbows on my thighs and lowered my head into my palms, feeling betrayed all over again for so many damn reasons.

Almost two decades with Rebecca in my life, and she felt like a stranger. So many years I could never get back, spent with her while she was spending them elsewhere. I’d sacrificed my soul and became a criminal for her in the name of revenge, and she’d lied, cheated, and broken me.

If I’d left Rebecca, she’d probably be alive, and I’d be . . . happy. Not just with someone like Diana, but with Diana. Now I was too fucked up beyond repair, and too dangerous because of my past, to make Diana the center of my world.

I lifted my head, sensing her proximity to me, feeling the bed dip as she shifted my hat aside to sit.

“Is that why you never wanted to work for Barclay Energy? Why you kept turning down the offers when she was alive? Even after she was gone?” I couldn’t help but ask, everything clicking now.

“Yes,” she surrendered, her tone as fragile as my current mental state. “I was too upset over what she’d done to you. That she’d ever even considered doing that to you. Too angry she had a man like you and couldn’t see how lucky she was.” Those tears in her eyes . . . I didn’t deserve them. “Do you hate me for not telling you? I didn’t want to tarnish her memory for you. I didn’t think you even knew what happened.”

“I could never hate you, Diana.” I clasped her palm and threaded our fingers together, resting our hands on my leg. “Rebecca told me about the affair a few years after it happened, but not who it’d been with. And now I can’t help but wonder if it was more than once. Not that it matters.” I let go of a deep breath, wishing the heaviness in my chest would go with it. “She lied to me so many times. Kept so many secrets. What does that say about me? What kind of man was I that she felt she couldn’t tell me anything?” Hadn’t I asked Camila that only this summer, too?

Camila. Shit, maybe we did need to pull her into this case now. Could she help somehow?

“My work was classified, I had my reasons for keeping secrets,” I went on. “What were hers?” Why was I doing this now, damnit? Diana didn’t need this shit from me.

I closed my eyes, wondering if I could erase the past if I tried hard enough.

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