Page 63 of His Wife

“I’m sorry…” she said. “This is not quite…. This isn’t quite working for me.” Claustrophobia crept up on her in the dingy little stall. Suddenly she felt vulnerable. Yes, she had wanted this, but not like this. It hadn’t been at all like she’d imagined.

Suddenly she was overcome with smell of the place, and of the sweat of the man. She wanted to gag. She had to get out. Forcefully, she pushed him away, yanked up her pants, threw open the door and rushed out. She didn’t look back.

“Hey, babes… where you going?” he called after her.

As she raced through the door, two men came in. They quit their drunken banter and stared at her. As she pushed her way past them she felt herself blushing, on the brink of tears. She had to get out of there.

Chapter 3

According to match.com, Freddy was Lisa’s perfect man. But after only a few minutes into dinner, Lisa realized that maybe the algorithms were a little off. Still, with her birthday only a week away, she was becoming desperate, and at least this time she was on a date with someone whose profile picture didn’t lie. He was absolutely breathtakingly gorgeous. Totally out of my league, she thought as she sipped her glass of wine.

He had dreamy chestnut eyes, movie star dimples, slicked-back dark hair, topped up like garnish on a plate with a two-day-old stubble. Lisa couldn’t keep her eyes off of him; which in her book was a good start. If only the conversation would get a little more interesting, she thought.

After discussing the events from the pub with the Irishman with her therapist, Lisa was not making out in any more scungy bathrooms, she decided. He had suggested that the vagina, like most women, have feelings and needs that need to be met before penetration. In Lisa’s case, he suggested that perhaps because she was uncomfortable with the situation in the pub toilet her vagina felt uncomfortable too, and closed up without much warning. Just closed for business abruptly.

Like all her Internet dates, Freddy had picked a fancy restaurant for their first face-to-face encounter. “At least he has good taste in restaurants,” she thought taking another sip of wine.

“So you are a movie producer,” he said. “That’s different.”

“Yeah I guess,” she replied, “I guess it’s different. It feels almost old. I’ve been in the industry for as long as I can remember.”

“The Industry,” he repeated. “Is that what you movie folk call it?”

“No,” said Lisa, “we just call it work.”

Movie folk? Who says that? She thought as she sipped on her wine once more, wishing the she had agreed to the bottle that the waiter recommended instead of just the glass. It was clear that she would need a lot more wine in order to find Freddy mentally stimulating and attractive.

According to her therapist, try as she might, she wasn’t the kind of woman to just have a one-night-stand. At least not until she lost her virginity and the pressure was finally well and truly gone. Which would explain why she’d had countless sexual encounters over the years, but had never actually managed to seal the deal.

Back when she’d started internet dating, she’d tell her dates about her virginity problem and how she was eager to get rid of it before she turned a certain age. “A lady never reveals her age” she’d say. To which they would respond by freaking out and finding an excuse to get the hell out of there. This had confused Lisa. Were they leaving because they didn’t want to disappoint? If so, it made no sense, as she had no point of reference.

Others would respond with something like, “After the things that I’m going to do to you tonight I don’t think that you’ll be able to call yourself a lady.”

This line always got to Lisa. She soon realized that the moment you tell a man that he could potentially be your first, he either becomes too eager or is completely alarmed by the idea. I wonder if they would freak out if my twenty-year-old virgin self sat in front of them instead, she’d often ponder when they dashed for the exit. Any exit.

Still Lisa was desperate to save this date. Time was running out and probability was saying that Freddy would likely be her lucky man. Her birthday was only days away, giving her a full week to get to know him before the deed could be done.

“So your profile said that you were an entrepreneur,” she said, changing the subject for the sake of their date and her sexual future. Lisa had decided that once her birthday had come and gone, if she was still chaste, she’d become a nun or something. Then a sexless existence wouldn’t be viewed as strange for someone of her age.

“Yeah,” he replied, “I’m an entrepreneur.”

God I hate that, Lisa thought. Why can’t he answer a question with detail? Is he a socially ignorant or just a pretty idiot? Lisa found herself leaning towards the latter.

“So what kind of businesses do you run?” she asked.

“The kind that make money and lots of it,” he replied with a not so appealing or at all sexy wink. Oh god, she thought to herself, nearly saying the words out loud before stopping herself, this is going to be a very long, boring date, I hope the sex will be better if he hasn’t bored my vagina to death. Somehow she knew it wasn’t happening.

Chapter 4

It had been a week since Lisa’s awkward, unsuccessful dates and embarrassing encounter with the Irishman from the pub. She had just about given up on the idea of losing her virginity. With her fortieth birthday only a few hours around the corner, she had decided to give into the idea of becoming a living and breathing forty-year-old virgin when her phone dinged with a Facebook friend request from an old school pal, Marie. She’d texted a message saying, “You were right. Marriage is bullshit. I’m getting a divorce. Let’s celebrate.”

Lisa accepted the request and replied to the message to which she got an immediate response. “Come down to the country house. It’s still mine for a few weeks and if I get my way with the lawyers, it’ll be mine forever.”

Before Lisa could finish typing her response, she received another message from Marie with the address.

Lisa pondered for a few minutes before she replied. “I’ll be there as soon as I can.” After all these years Marie is finally getting in touch! I can’t wait to see her!

An hour later, Lisa found herself in the middle of heavy traffic on her way to Marie’s country manor. As she crawled through traffic, she couldn’t help but wonder what her life would have been like if she had gotten married all those years ago. Back then, she and Marie had been inseparable. Then, not long after Lisa’s abrupt break in her engagement Marie had disappeared from her life. Now, apparently, she was back! Who would have thought that a divorce would bring old friends back together again?

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