Page 38 of Kismet

Now he was trying to calm down before he approached Catherine, but it proved to be rather difficult. The tears he had seen on her lashes when he had finally arrived had destroyed him. Though she put on a brave face, he knew that she did not cry easily. Those tears were his fault. It felt as if he was the reason people were talking about Catherine. If he was still just a retired, wounded soldier the gossips never would have cared who she was courting.

From where he stood, Theodore could see that Catherine was still being talked about by the way the other ladies watched her and laughed behind their fans. While his previous threat may have put a stop to the rakes and men who might insult her, he had no power over the matrons that seemed to be cutting her. Whatever his mother was saying to support Catherine did not seem to be helping much at all. Was there anything he could do to fix things?

Dread, cold and heavy, rooted him to the spot. He loved her too much to let her suffer this way. He had to come up with a solution, but he had no idea how to proceed.

Chapter Seventeen

It had been a mostly sleepless night for Catherine, but it was a new day, and the fact that she was on her way to see Theodore brought a smile to her face. After the ball, she hoped they could talk to come up with a strategy to fight all the nasty rumors. She had a few ideas already but was sure he could contribute more.

Walking to Matlock House did not take very long. Catherine looked over to her maid, Lambert, who was accompanying her, and noticed the woman’s smile was unusually bright. Catherine suspected that Barnes and Lambert were developing quite the friendship, and possibly more. Catherine wondered how sweet it would be if her lady’s maid and Theodore’s batman developed their own relationship.

As she neared the front door, it swung open, and the friendly butler led her toward one of the grand sitting rooms on the first floor. Barnes stood in the hallway just outside the sitting room while Lambert settled into a chair just inside the doorway. Between the two of them, propriety would be more than covered.

Catherine smiled at Barnes as she usually did, but her smile wavered when she saw the concern etched on his face as she walked into the room. Her mind raced as her steps shortened. Granted, the night before had been a horrible mess, but that did not change anything, not to her.

She had a good cry when she had gotten home, but her conversation with Mary had strengthened her resolve. Remembering her conversation with Lady Derby had also helped her to realize that she and Theodore could work together to solve their problems. She didn't subscribe to the idea that love fixed everything, but she did believe it gave you the strength to endure and overcome.

Entering the room, she noted Theodore sitting in a chair by the empty fireplace. He seemed so unlike himself that she froze where she stood. “I received your note, Theodore. What is it you wanted to discuss?”

Looking up when she spoke, he gestured at the chair next to his own. “Come in and sit down. We need to talk.”

“Your entire demeanor is worrisome. Has something horrible occurred?” Moving over to Theodore, Catherine sat down and reached a hand out to him. He looked nearly distraught. There was definitely something wrong and her instinct was to offer him comfort.

Theodore's hand enveloped hers for a moment, squeezing it tightly before letting it go and returning it to her lap. “I know what we wanted, but I fear it is not possible.”

“I do not understand.” Catherine felt the bottom drop out of her stomach. “What are you saying?”

Theodore gazed deeply into Catherine's eyes. The blue of his eyes was accentuated by the dark circles underneath, giving him a tired appearance. “Last night, I saw the pain on your face when they cut you. I care about you too much to be the one to bring that kind of pain into your life. The title of earl comes with a never-ending stream of demands and expectations that I'll have to endure. It is like a creeping miasma and it is working its way into all aspects of my life. I do not want you to be miserable along with me.”

“Do you think me that weak that I cannot bear a few ill-aimed arrows flung at me by simpering termagants?” Shaking her head, Catherine got to what she saw as the root of the matter. “I still do not see why you insist you have to submit to this title in the way you believe. I know you believe you must emulate your brother in this, but there is more than one type of earl. You do not have to stick to his methods,” she insisted, recalling Lady Derby’s advice. “You say that you must find a way to help people, but his methods are not the only ones. There are other ways to help people with what you have been given. I have faith that you can find a way that will not make you miserable. You are your own man, or at least you were before your mother got her hooks in you.”

“Do you expect me to forgo my responsibilities and give up on what my brother worked so hard for? Even though I want to pursue a different path than my mother's wishes, I recognize her efforts to offer guidance and support.” Catherine saw the struggle on Theodores face, the agony in his eyes. She could perceive the conflict in him between what he wanted and what he thought he should do. “She is the last surviving close relative I have. I know you want to marry me, but your hopes are surpassing what is realistic.”

Drawing back as if she had been slapped, Catherine’s voice lost any remnants of warmth. “You are not allowed to sully my love for you with your presumptions and fears. Do you think for one moment that I would commit myself to a man who questioned my judgment, as you apparently do? While you may have fought the Corsican tyrant, I have lived under the reign of my own tyrant. I will not do so again.”

Shaking his head, Theodore stood and began pacing through the room. “You have to understand. I cannot allow you to suffer because of me. It is simply not possible for us to be together.”

Rising from her chair, Catherine planted her feet and confronted him. “I am not under my father's thumb any longer. I am not a child. I am a nineteen-year-old woman. You cannot compel me to do anything. You cannot force me to understand your foolishness. Yes, I was caught off guard by their cruelty and yes, it affected me, but I will not cower before them. I am no longer the girl that I once was. Why can you not see that it is only you who makes me suffer by choosing to follow this course?”

Clutching at the fabric of his shirt over his heart, Theodore seemed to struggle with how to respond. “The very notion that you might suffer because of me shatters me. I can commit myself to a life of dealing with the snobbery of society, but I cannot do it to you.”

“So what if I am cut? Do you truly think I am so fragile as to be swayed by gossip? If you do, you think lees of me than I had hoped.” Catherine watched him as he agonized, her heart breaking as he made his choice.

“If you and I married, there would be balls, and dinners, and events. We would find ourselves regularly interacting with society. After last night, watching them cut you, degrade you…I cannot do it.” By the end of his speech, Theodore’s voice had faded to a whisper.

“I never would have thought that I was the strong one in this relationship. I know you hesitate to act against your mother, that you feel she is all the family you have left and that all she does is in your best interests. She speaks of your brother's memory and of what he represented.” Taking a step forward, she reached out only to withdraw her empty hand just as quickly. “You loved your brother, and you want to do right by him, but this is not the way. I have been subjected to such controlling venom before, so I can recognize what is at its core. Your mother is trying to control you and make herself feel larger. My sisters and I fought for our autonomy in any way we could. You, on the other hand, are willingly surrendering to your mother's control. You are committing yourself to perdition of your own free will. It is sad, really.” Going back to her chair, she picked up her reticule.

“You do not understand.” Theodore collapsed into a chair across the room. He rubbed his face vigorously, digging his fingers into the crevices of his skin.

“Oh, but I do. Since you no longer want me to be part of your life, I will leave.” Catherine turned away from the man she loved. Trembling with the surfeit of emotions that ran through her, only stopping once she reached the open doorway. Taking a breath, she held it as she did when she practiced archery. She steadied her heart for what was to come.

Without turning back to look at him, she spoke, hoping that her voice would have some resonance and that she could force some sense into his obviously malfunctioning brain. “I wonder what your brother would have wanted for you. Would he want this life for you? The one your mother says is right? Or would he have been proud of you for choosing your own path, finding your own happiness?”

With a signal to Lambert, who now stood at the ready, she took one last look at him before walking out of the room, wondering if he would ever understand how much she loved him.

Chapter Eighteen

“I wonder what your brother would have wanted for you. Would he want this life for you? The one your mother says is right? Or would have he been proud of you for choosing your own path, finding your own happiness?” And with that, she walked away, leaving Theodore alone. He watched her go, feeling hollow and empty. Her parting words ran through his mind as he sat in the chair, staring into space.

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