Page 41 of Veiled Yearning

I guess it’s no surprise that I’ve never been in love, even after more than a hundred years. Sold at ten, then again at eighteen, then doing everything possible to keep to myself… I never thought love was an option for me.

Not that I’m in love with Gavril. I just like him. And not that it matters how I feel. Except…

He thinks I’m stunning?

My emotions are all over the place—hope, happiness, fear, shame, guilt—and I’m not sure what to do with them.

Do I have any right to feel happy? Or hopeful? Considering how selfish I’ve been?

“Chiara?” Gavril’s brows come down in a worried V. “Should I not have said that? If it was inappropriate—”

“No.” He blinks, and starts to pull his hand away. “I mean,” I rush to clarify, clutching his fingers tightly. “No. It wasn’t inappropriate. I—” Just say it. “I liked it. But…”

“But what?”

I take a breath, then force out the truth in a rush. “I liked hearing you say it. But then… I feel guilty. Like I shouldn’t be happy. Like I don’t deserve it.”

“What?” He looks at me in confusion. “Why can’t you be happy, Chiara?”

“Because.” My throat gets thick, and I drop my gaze to my feet. “Because I’m a coward. And selfish. I’m ashamed of myself.”

Gavril tows me across the room so quickly I let out a little yip of surprise. In a blink, I’m sitting on the bed with Gavril beside me. His gaze is dark and intense as he asks, “Why would you say that? You’re not a coward. Or selfish.”

Voice small, I confess how I’m feeling. “But I am. I’ve been holding back, not using my ability the way everyone wants me to. I haven’t even tried it. I could be helping you more, but I haven’t because I’m scared.”

Understanding washes over his face, followed by dismay. “Ah, Chiara. Did you hear us talking earlier? And that’s why you’re upset?”

I’m silent for a few seconds, trying to figure out what to say. On a sigh, I admit, “Yes, and no.” Another pause, another sigh. “I heard you talking. I wasn’t intending to listen in, but I was passing through the living room and I heard my name. So I had to—”

“Of course.” Gavril covers my hand with his. “I’m sorry, Chiara. But if you heard… You know I won’t let anyone push you. It’s your choice. That hasn’t changed.”

“But that doesn’t mean I’m right. Just because I’m afraid… that’s not an excuse. If it were you, or Frederick, or Larkin… You wouldn’t hesitate. Of course you’d try anything to help the Sentinels. And I’m…” My voice rises, the words coming faster. “I’ve still been hiding. Making my little totems and coins, but not really doing anything that makes me uncomfortable.”

Gavril’s face creases, and he replies quickly, “That’s not true. You left Maine, and on the road, and you’ve been—”

I cut him off. “But it is true. Maybe leaving Maine. But after that? Nothing. I haven’t tried my ability, I haven’t even talked about what happened in that factory. I’ve been too scared, and I’ve used it as an excuse. And listening to you talk, I realized what a coward I’ve been.”

“Chiara, no. You are not a coward. Not at all.”

“I am.” I meet his pained gaze. “I should be willing to try using my ability on a person again. So what if it makes me feel horrible? If it helps everyone else—” The guilt gets even bigger, expanding in my chest, making it hard to breathe. “And I should have told Frederick about what the Custodians wanted. Even if it was hard.”

Eyes burning, I furiously blink the threatening tears away. No crying. Not this time. “The Custodians wanted me to tell them what I could do. Everything. I think they suspected… that I was like… Nicolas. They were scared of me. That’s why they kept hurting me. Over and over, they’d cut and hit and burn and… it hurt. So badly. They promised to stop if I’d tell them the truth. But I didn’t. I didn’t tell them anything.”

“Chiara.” It’s a pained groan. “I’m so sorry.”

“I should be willing to do anything. Knowing what they do. How they hurt people.” Now my nose is prickling. I’m sniffling and blinking, my face contorting as I battle to keep from crying. “I’m letting my past determine my present. And my future. But not just my future; everyone I care about. It’s not right. And I’m so ashamed of myself.”

Gavril stares at me, his features carved from stone, his eyes a maelstrom of grays. Then he reaches out, wrapping one muscular arm around my waist, and draws me into his side. One big hand rubs up and down my arm in slow, soothing strokes. Then he presses a kiss to the top of my head, his touch achingly tender.

“You have nothing to be ashamed of.” It’s a soft rumble, gentle and reassuring. “We all have things from our past.”

“Still...” I trail off and lean into his firm chest, surrendering my weight to him. Letting some of the burden go, if only for a little bit.

There’s just something so comforting and right about being here—Gavril’s arm around me, my head on his shoulder, feeling his breath feather across my hair as he speaks. I’ve never felt more right. More whole.

“Something it took me a long time to realize,” he starts. “Before we became vampires, we were just human. And we still are, at the heart of everything. We aren’t infallible, Chiara. Or perfect. And that’s okay.”

Gavril lifts my hand, tracing his fingers across it, falling silent as he thinks. It feels as if he’s on the verge of saying something important.

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