Page 68 of First Touch

“Can I try something?” She asks, biting her lip.

“Anything you want.” Literally anything.

She moves down the bed, lying down next to me. “Stay still, please.”

I don’t move a single muscle while she scoots up close to me and ever so slowly, lays her head on my chest. Her arm rests across my stomach, making my abdominals tense reflexively.

The anxiety is radiating through her, but I don’t speak on it. I let her work through this on her own, knowing she’s strong enough to handle it. I focus on slowing my breathing, hoping my calmness will affect her in a positive way.

After a few minutes, she relaxes into me, her head becoming heavier as she finally releases the tension in her limbs. Her breathing begins to match mine, slow and steady, while her hand embraces my side.

Her grip is strong but tender, not fearful. She’s holding onto me, but she’s not panicking. She did it.

Chapter Thirty Four

Thea

Apart of me is healed. Being able to partake in such a normal act of intimacy after all of these years makes the demon from my nightmares seem less scary. All of the hatred and self-loathing I experienced as the result of being torn from the chance of having a normal relationship isn’t erased, but it isn’t controlling me anymore. I’m conquering it one step at a time.

My cheeks hurt from smiling as I listen to his heartbeat rhythmically in my ear. The steady rise and fall of his chest is a comfort that I hadn’t realized I needed so desperately until right now. I only wish that he could hold me back. The thought of being trapped in his arms is still terrifying, but kind of exciting at the same time.

Deep down, I know I’ll love it when he holds me, but I’m so afraid that I’ll freak out and scare him away. Or, he’ll witness a panic attack and finally understand that I am too much to handle.

I would be mortified if I fainted as a result of him touching me for the first time. I would never want him to feel like he did something to hurt me or that it was his fault.

He’s been hurt by so many people in his life, I never want to be the reason for more pain. Thinking about him as a little boy all alone in those unfit homes makes me sick to my stomach.

I want to be his home. I know he cares about me, I feel it in the way he treats me but we’re both scared. We’re two broken people learning to trust each other and to love together.

As I’m snuggling closer to his body, I hear his sleepy sigh and peek up at his face to see that he’s snoozing soundly. Both of his hands are still firmly gripping the bars of my metal bed frame. Even in his sleep, he’s refraining from touching me by accident.

I let him rest, occupying my mind with affirmations and pep talk. I want to go further, I want to push myself even farther out of my comfort zone. I just need a little groundwork laid so that I’m prepared.

* * *

After a few hours he’s still napping and I’m busy straightening my hair in the bathroom when I get a phone call. “Hey, Liv.” I put my phone on speakerphone so I can multitask.

“Hi, stranger. I haven’t heard from you in a few days. Everything okay?”

“Um. Yeah, actually. More than okay.” I have to bite my lip to keep from squealing.

“Really? What’s going on?” She asks excitedly. Liv has been the bearer of a lot of my negative thoughts and experiences, so it’s nice when I have something positive to fill her in on.

“You’ll never guess what I did.”

“Finally drop a book on a kid’s head? I told you it would happen eventually.” She laughs at herself.

“No. Still haven’t done that.” I roll my eyes. “I have been seeing a guy. He slept over and we… Well. We were able to do stuff,” I admit, feeling like a little kid. It’s like I’m telling my mom that I lost my virginity or something. I’m embarrassed.

“What?” Her breath catches. “Thea, did you have sex?”

“No, not yet.”

“Not yet?!” She shrieks, making me laugh.

“He still hasn’t touched me, but we, I don’t know. Masturbated together?”

“Shut the fuck up. I am freaking out. Are you saying this is it? Is he someone that you want to touch you?” She understands how huge this is. “Is he safe?”

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