Page 57 of First Touch

“What if you find out everything about me and decide that I’m too damaged? What if I can’t get past the touching issue?” She asks, biting her bottom lip.

“I know all about damage, Sunshine. Nothing can scare me away. Not even your fears. If I have to be handcuffed to this bed every time you want to touch me then I’d do it, because any piece of you that I get is more than I had before. My life was nothing before I met you. I was only floating through from one day to the next.” I shrug, only scratching the surface with my confession.

Work was all I had. My apartment in Texas is bare bones, with no pictures on the walls, and no memories. The rare hookup with a stranger from a bar never meant anything more than a warm body in my bed. I’d wake up the next morning and strip the sheets, never thinking twice about who she was.

Holidays were regular days. On the rare occasion that I’d travel back to Indiana to visit my mom’s grave, I’d barely make it 12 hours before fleeing the state. Visiting my past is like walking through hell.

“I want to tell you what happened to me, why I’m like this, but I need you to know why.” She shifts closer to me, sitting on her knees beside me on the bed. “The only reason that I want to tell you everything is because you are worth it to me.” She points to where my heart is, making me feel the weight of her words.

“I had accepted that I would never get my happily ever after in life. I was broken beyond repair. At first, when I saw you in the library, it was like seeing a life that I’d never have. All I could do was imagine what it would be like to meet a handsome stranger and have a real connection. I knew it couldn’t happen for me and that was okay. I was sad, but I moved on from the idea because I couldn’t live in limbo. Wanting was too painful.”

“Thea…” I want to tell her how badly she deserves the world, how badly I want to give it to her, but she stops me.

“Then you came into Sunny’s and I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t think of anything other than you and I didn’t even know you. Now, I know you, the real you, and I’ve never wanted anything more. I want you more than the risk of healing old wounds, more than the shame I feel when I think of what happened to me all those years ago and in the years since. I’ll risk it for you because it’s less than the risk of never getting a chance to be with you at all.”

I grip the comforter in my hands, needing to hold something so I don’t reach out to her. Not being able to touch her is painful for me. I want to so badly, and it makes it worse that I know she wants me to. She wants to be held and touched. She needs it, but she’s not ready.

“I don’t know if I believe in God, Thea. I gave up on him answering my prayers a long time ago, but if he is out there…” I clear my throat, warding off the emotion that’s making it feel thick. “I’d thank him for leading me to this town, for leading me to you. Maybe he was trying all of these years, but instead, I’ve been stuck with your bonehead brother. I want to kick his ass for not bringing me around you years ago.” I mean every word, but she laughs. With watery eyes, she smiles at me, once again parting every dark cloud that hangs over my head.

It takes every fiber of my being not to beg her to be mine forever right now. I never imagined that I’d get married, never thought I’d have a wife, but looking at Thea is like looking at the blueprint of a future that I never thought I deserved.

I’ve never wanted anything as badly as I want her. It scares the shit out of me.

“Will you stay with me tonight?” She asks shyly. No part of me could say no to her, nor do I want to.

“I’ll stay as long as you want. I might have to sneak out if work comes up, but I’ll always come back,” I promise.

I haven’t checked my phone at all, forgetting to even pretend to care that I should be on call for Jameson’s bat-shit-crazy movement.

She nods, happy with my answer.

Chapter Twenty-Eight

Thea

We lay down in my bed on our respective sides, the pillow between us keeping my anxiety at bay. With the lights off once again, the room is cloaked in darkness. The streetlights provide just enough glow to reveal the shadow of his face before me.

Our bodies are turned toward each other, our hands clutching the pillow as if it’s the surrogate for where we want to touch. His hand rests so close to mine that I can’t fight the allure of reaching out to barely trace his pinkie finger with my own. It’s a whisper of a touch, but feels like an intimate midnight kiss.

“Are you tired?” He had just slept for hours while I was at work, yet here he is lying in the dark with me.

“I could use a nap,” he says seriously, making me giggle.

“Is it okay if I tell you what happened to me now? It feels easier in the dark.”

I’m trying to be brave, but I’m still afraid of my past. Reliving it is never easy. Liv was the first person that I told after it happened and I fell apart. It was the first time I had said it out loud because I had been trying to pretend it never happened.

She was concerned when the semester started and I couldn’t get out of bed. She knew me better than anyone and could tell I was shattered. She begged me to go to the police but I refused. She was in law school at the time and swore she’d be by my side if I wanted to go after the man who hurt me.

I wasn’t strong enough to handle the pressure of it so I lashed out and almost ruined my friendship with her. Instead of walking away from me, she helped me find a therapist. It took me weeks to build up the courage to tell my story again, but I went.

That was six years ago now, and other than snippets of confessions to Latisha, I haven’t uttered the details about it to anyone else in my life.

“Only if you’re ready,” he assures me. He doesn’t push me and it makes me want to tell him even more. There’s a comfort in knowing that he takes me as me, that I’m safe no matter what. He doesn’t offer conditions or stipulations, only support.

“I’m ready.” I hope.

“Okay.” He nods his head in encouragement and I take a deep breath.

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