Page 73 of First Touch

“She just needs a minute. Thanks for coming out here so quickly,” Jesse speaks to his counterpart, giving me the privacy that I’m going to need to deal with this.

A normal person would be elated to be rescued, to crawl down from here and thank the people who came to save them, but I’m not normal. I’m broken and it’s been a long time since I’ve felt it this much.

“Call me when things settle,” his voice utters and I hear his steps leaving the room. I know I wasn’t in danger since Jesse was here, but I still feel better knowing there isn’t someone else down there.

My body relaxes a little more. My breathing settles slightly but I’m sweating. My body’s overheating and I know I need to get down from here.

“Get me out. Jesse, please. Get me out,” I beg. I know what the consequences will be once he grabs me, but I beg anyway. “Please, please,” I ramble, the impending panic attack setting in. If I’m going to lose it one way or the other, I’d rather do it in my room and not up here.

“Okay, okay, I got you.” He looks at me with regret in his eyes, realizing how badly I’m struggling if I’m begging for this. He gently grabs my legs, pulling them towards him and the opening to the ladder. I squeeze my eyes shut, trying to ignore what’s happening, but it doesn’t matter. My body starts trembling even more violently, my breath becoming ragged once more.

He manages to wrap my legs around his waist, draping my arms over his shoulders while I focus on not fainting. The splotches in my eyes warn me of its desire to take me.

“You’re doing so good, baby. I know it’s hard, but cling to me if you can, hold on to me so I can get us down,” he speaks gently, urging me to hug him like a koala. His voice once again soothes something in my soul, lessening some of the splotches taking over my vision.

“T-talk, ttt-to, m-me,” I stutter through my jitters, hoping he can understand me because I can hardly hear myself over the pounding of my heart.

“I’m right here, sweetheart. You’re safe. I’ve got you,” he continues whispering to me as slowly descends the ladder. It’s old and rickety, and not meant to bear the weight of two people at once. He’s trying to be safe, but it feels like an eternity. “Almost there. Keep holding on. You’re doing so well, sweet girl.”

Whether on purpose or not, my face ends up buried in his neck, where it stays for the entirety of this trek. Even after I feel the softness of my bed beneath me, my face stays pressed against his skin.

“Thea, you did it. You’re safe,” he whispers to me and I realize the rest of his body is no longer plastered to mine. It’s my arms and my legs that are clinging to him. It’s the only thing keeping us together.

Instead of letting go completely, I unwrap my legs from his waist, letting my bottom half drop to the mattress.

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry,” I sob, still grasping his shoulders. My body is flaming with embarrassment because he had to experience this reaction from me. I’m too ashamed to look him in the face.

“No, don’t. This is my fault. It’s all my fault. You have nothing to be sorry for,” he chokes out. “I don’t want you to be scared like this ever again. It’s all my fault.”

I don’t want him to blame himself, but all I can do is cry and focus on calming down. It takes several minutes for my anxiety to cool and for my body to start functioning somewhat normally. I still haven’t removed my face from his neck or unlocked my arms from his shoulders though.

“Lay with me, please?” I ask, realizing he’s still standing, hunched over me so he doesn’t accidentally touch me anywhere else while I cling to him.

“Are you sure?” He pulls back far enough to look into my face. His eyes are full of devastation and concern, studying me closely.

“I need you.”

He’s the only thing that has brought me positive change in my life. Even though some changes are still scary for me, I know that I wouldn’t have made it to this point without him. I’m not ashamed to admit how much I need him because he’s given me so many pieces of my life back.

“Okay,” he whispers, moving to lay on his back beside me. He grabs the bed frame above his head immediately like he’s terrified to send me into another fit of panic. The initial fear is gone though, the terror I felt in the moon room, waiting for him to arrive, desperately hoping Kyle wasn’t going to find me, is gone.

I know I’m safe with Jesse, I was just blind with terror. I’m bitter that my first time being held by him was because of this situation. Another experience that should have been a happy one was taken from me. I should be used to it by now.

My head rests on his shoulder and I bury my face against his neck once again. The way I fit here feels almost like a hug. I focus on breathing, making sure I’ve really calmed down and I’m not jumping the gun. It takes several minutes, but I finally feel like I’m back to my normal equilibrium. Despite the weight of my exhaustion taking over, the questions start racing through my mind.

“What happened? How did you know he was coming?” I ask, sniffing back the last of my tears. He takes a deep breath, hesitating to answer.

“He’s involved with the case I’m working on. I only found out tonight. It all happened fast. One minute he was there and the next minute he was gone. I knew he was heading here.” He shutters, needing to take another deep breath. “All I could think about was you being scared or hurt. I failed you.” His voice cracks and he clears his throat like he’s fighting back tears, “I’m so sorry, baby.”

“He tried the front lock and I heard it so I ran upstairs. The door banged open by the time I was climbing the ladder. If you wouldn’t have changed my locks he would have gotten to me. I barely had enough time to pull the ladder up,” I explain breathlessly, trying to keep it together.

“I want to kill him for coming after you.” The murderous tone leaves no question of his sincerity, but I don’t have the energy to refute it. I don’t condone violence, but I really hate Kyle right now.

“What would have happened if he found me?” I ask in a small voice, afraid to know the answer.

“I don’t know,” he utters, shamefully. “Nothing good.”

Chapter Thirty-Seven

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