Page 34 of First Touch

And, if I’m really lucky, her heart.

Chapter Sixteen

Thea

By the time Tuesday rolled around, my days off felt like a complete blur. Sunday morphed into Monday quickly, and I’m not sure if I remembered to shower or make myself a meal either day. I spent a lot of time in my moon room, staring at the sky. It helps me think.

Unfortunately, thinking meant replaying every conversation and interaction I’ve had with Jay -no, Jesse, since the day we met. Even before, when he was just a crush I had on one of my patrons at the library. Not someone who made me blush or smile. Before he intervened and made sure that I was safe from Kyle and the guy at the bar. Before I knew he was working undercover or that he was my brother’s best friend.

Once he told me his real name, memories swept in of stories that Nathan had shared with me. Stories of missions that he had been on, trainings, and places he traveled, almost always including his teammate, Jesse. I’d never seen a photo, I’d never asked.

My brother and I haven’t been entirely close since he left for the Army. He was 18, I was 14. For more than a decade, we’d shared more phone calls than in-person visits. Just this past year, he got out of the Army and built a cabin in the mountains not far from here.

I never asked if he moved here because he knew that I had gotten this job here in New Hope, or if he did it so we could be a family again, but it worked regardless. I’ve seen him for every holiday this year and I’ve watched him fall in love. Callie has become one of my best friends in the almost year that I’ve known her.

What they have makes me yearn for something similar. I want love, I want connection. I want… Jesse.

Jesse. Jesse. Jesse.

I’ve been repeating his name over and over again in my mind, and out loud since Sunday, trying to make it stick. It still feels wrong.

It feels like I’m saying a stranger’s name, but Jay wasn’t a stranger. He was, but he wasn’t. He was so easy to talk to and to be around. I felt so safe near him that I hoped it was a sign. Now, I’m back to square one.

Jesse is a stranger and I don’t know if I can accept him back into my life. I’m most afraid of all the doubt that’s crept into my mind.

Did he only want to keep me safe from Kyle because he was doing his job?

Did he punch that guy in the bar because he wanted to defend me? Or because that’s what my brother would have wanted?

He told me he didn’t want to hurt me, but he told me a lot of things. A lot of lies. How can I believe anything?

Does he care because he sees me as his best friend’s little sister? Or because he likes me? I refuse to be some taboo fantasy.

I shake my head, clearing my echoing thoughts. The same questions have been racing through my mind for days.

I finish stocking the stack of books that I’m holding and return to the island where Latisha is clocking in.

“Hey, sweetie. Have a good weekend?” She asks.

Her question is innocent enough, but my tongue is stuck in my throat and I don’t know how to answer without telling all of Jay’s secrets. Jesse’s secrets. Dang it.

“What’s that look?” She questions, glaring at me from behind her bejeweled glasses. Today’s are green. They’re usually my favorite, but green just reminds me of Jesse’s eyes.

“It’s been a rough couple of days. Some guy grabbed me at the bar Saturday. I had a complete fainting spell. Wasn’t one of my finer moments, but luckily I made it to the back before anyone saw me,” I tell her. Avoiding the other complicated parts of my weekend.

“That’s it. You need to quit. No more of that hillbilly bar. Nope, done.” She wags her finger at me like a mother scolding her child. It just makes me smile because I know she cares.

“I might. I’m almost caught up on bills anyway. It was always just temporary,” I assure her with a hug, needing one for myself.

“Oh, don’t look now,” she whispers from over my shoulder, still holding me in a hug. “Our favorite dream boat is here.”

“What, why? It’s too early for him to be here,” I say before I have a chance to stop myself, completely giving myself away. “I mean… Who?” I busy myself checking emails while Latisha cracks up behind me.

“Good morning, honey. What can I help you with?” Latisha asks in her perfected customer service voice.

“I’m looking for a children’s book that I read as a kid. I was wondering if you had it here.”

I shiver hearing the heart-achingly familiar voice respond. It melts down my spine, making me realize how much I’ve missed hearing it in the two days since I’ve seen him.

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