Page 99 of Unhinged

Since I notice we’re in front of my mother’s house, the road is dark and solitary, like me, I guess. Amos sighs again, and it sounds like a hot-air balloon deflating. “Why are you and Simone engaged in a sexual relationship until then?”

“Son of a bitch. Because we’ve been stuck in dry dock, and we’re hornier than a herd of antelopes. Is that okay with you?”

“What happens after Saturday?”

My stomach drops. Probably from the alcohol. Amos drugged me, no doubt. “We stop. I have a date then. Like she’s on one now.”

“It doesn’t appear you want to date anyone else.”

“What the fuck do you know? Simone is out there humping Officer Cumhose, so why can’t I get laid by someone else?”

“Do you honestly think Simone wants another man, Greg? Don’t you see it at all? Simone cares about you. Deeply. If only you’d talk to her.”

“The only thing she cares about is McGruff the Horn Dog and getting her money.”

“I’ll never believe that.”

“But you’ll believe in the Tooth Fairy. You do know she’s fucking Ricky, probably as we speak?” My voice cracks, and I gasp. “I begged her not to go out with him, but she did.”

“Maybe your begging didn’t sound like it to her.”

“How would you know what the hell I said?”

“Because you’re both hiding your feelings. You need to ask her out.”

“We’re married! We don’t do that shit.”

“You’re wrong. You especially need to do it now before it’s too late. You could lose her forever, and then you’ll live with the regret.”

“Don’t go waxing lyrical with a budget dentist’s waiting room posters.”

I cover my face with my hands because I don’t want him to see the sudden pain. I’m such a bombed pussy.

“I’m serious. You two are…perfect. Don’t mess this up, Greg.”

“Then you date her. She doesn’t want to date me, apparently.” I shake my head at my door’s window. “Why isn’t my dick good enough for her? I covered it up and still got her off both times.”

“Mercy, Greg.”

I frown, but I can’t hold it long since I can’t focus on one reaction at a time. “No one says that shit unless they’re begging for a smackdown, Vaughn. Jesus, you’re weird.”

“I apologize. Did you begin having sex before or after you got married?”

“Are you the morality police?”

“No. I’m just trying to put it into perspective.”

“Well, then. If you want details, Ronan Farrow. We first screwed on our wedding night at your apartment. I’m a good boy.” Amos’s face resembles hot candle wax as he digests that. “Stop looking at me like that. I just married her, and I didn’t want to jack off to her picture again.”

“No need for an explanation.”

“Why not? I wanted Simone so goddamn much that I couldn’t take it anymore, and she pretended to want me too. While some cooking show was on TV, and you were asleep across the hall, we got naked and fucked. I covered her mouth because of her organza—organism—orgasm. It was so glorious that angels wept. I came first, but she wasn’t far behind. It was the best feeling in my whole warped life. I can still feel her.” Sudden tears sting my eyes, and I look away from him, making myself dizzy. “Did I answer all your damn questions? Enjoy my misery, Amos. Can you fucking shut up now?” I blink hot tears over my lap, utterly shit-faced and empty.

He doesn’t answer but finally drives the rest of the few feet to my mother’s driveway. I fight with my seatbelt. “Why are these motherfuckers so impossible?” I wipe my eyes and nearly punch myself. I try the buckle again as Amos reaches over and unclicks it. I mutter, “Showoff.”

I get out of the car but go too fast, drop to the cement, and roll into the grass. Either the car is still moving or…I forget the other reason.

I get on my knees and try to stand, but hands go beneath my pits to yank me to my feet. “Cut it out, asshat!” He drags me to the front door, where my mother is standing in her robe. The porch light blinds me, and I use my hand to shield my eyes from it and my mother’s snarl.

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