Page 220 of Unhinged

“That’s not why she married you.”

“Believe me. It is. I can keep a secret.”

“About what?”

I sigh and go with the original premise. “Our marriage was a scam to screw her asshole father. She only wanted to inherit his money and borrow my last name. That’s it.”

She waits for me to say it’s a joke, so when I don’t, Mom whispers, “I hope to hell you’re kidding.”

“Does it look like open-mic night?”

She waves the papers again in the air as she squawks, “But you slept with her!”

This time, I laugh for real. “Jesus, Harry, and Jonas. I’m sorry to break it to you like this, but I ain’t a saint or a virgin.” Essentially, your intern took care of that. “She had a nice rack and ass which caused…a situation. I broke me off a piece, and damn, it felt good.” No lie there.

Mom frowns and now so do I as my joking backfires on me. I stare at my desk to avoid her reaction. “I only mean that you still slept with her for it being a fake relationship.”

“Don’t they call that playing the field?” Stupid sports. “I needed to get laid on my own terms.” From above me, her disapproving scowl blares since I’m referring to my assault. She doesn’t need to know about the Shasta debacle.

“But I know when you’re telling me the truth. It’s always in your eyes. You can’t hide it from me.” She angles her head to look at me dead-on, catching me off guard. “And right now, you’re not being truthful.” Simone claimed she was always truthful. Soulmates. What a crock of shit.

I roll my eyes, so she doesn’t see the depth of my despair. “Believe whatever you want.”

“Simone wasn’t faking it either.”

“She definitely did not. I made sure of that.” I smirk, but it turns my stomach.

“Gregory.”

“No. She never called me that during sex.” I force another smile but end it with a sigh. “Yeah, sure. She loves me so much that she high-tailed it out of here. Whatever. I don’t need her. She’s already fucking another guy, and I have a new girlfriend. We’ve done it twice in the storage room at work.”

She shakes her head like a dashboard bobblehead going off-road. “I don’t believe you.”

“We’ll be going for fuck number three later. I’m glad this annulment is over. I have a seat to fill, and I don’t mean her ass. Yet.” I laugh, needing to so fucking bad.

Mom’s eyes well with tears, and I have to pretend her reaction doesn’t blow my mind. “You shouldn’t move on this quickly.”

“I just told you the marriage was an illusion. Look, I don’t even want to hear her name anymore. Our marriage was a sham, and the commonwealth of Virginia agrees.”

“Why didn’t she file in North Carolina?”

“She has a Virginia driver’s license. Therefore, she technically lives there and can file. Awesome for her since the great state of North Carolina most likely would’ve denied the annulment, forcing us to seek a divorce. So kind of her, right?”

“Oh, dear God.”

“Whatever. It’s done. Our union wasn’t so sacred after all. You can stop cramming her down my throat the way I used to cram my balls down hers.” I laugh because I’m on the verge of something. I just don’t know what.

Her horrified look takes a turn of disgust. “If all you can be is crass, then I’m leaving.”

“Thank God. I thought I’d have to replay our truck fuck.” I clench my teeth as I watch the old lady across the street digging through her own trash. Probably for her teeth or vibrator. Sex with Simone was so much more. For the first time, I thought sex expressed…love. Not violence or desperation. But it was just an illusion, like everything else with her I made up.

I glance at my right hand’s middle and ring fingers. The bruises I sustained defending the honor of my non-wife have faded. Amos said I knocked out one of Tanner’s teeth. He’s lucky that’s all I did to him when I should’ve used the bat. Amos informed Tanner that we have a video of him assaulting Simone, so if he knows what’s good for him, he’ll say nothing and never come back. I don’t even know if we do have video. If so, I can never watch it. I’m positive he stole my impending fatherhood. I made a little boy or girl. But now my kid is gone. Kind of like Wilder the first time around for him. The feeling sucks, and I hate that I have one more thing in common with that worn-out jockstrap.

“Greg, I know you’re hurting. You don’t have to pretend. I had never seen you happier than I did when you were married…” She sighs, and I hold back my own because I’ll sob in front of Mommy, and she’ll either sedate me or lock me in the psycho ward. I can’t believe no one blabbed to her about the night at the bar.

I clear my throat, so I don’t sound like Brainy Smurf jerking off to Gargamel taking a bath. “Wow, Mom. Now, you’ve moved on to pushing a wheelchair down a fucking hill.”

“I’m sorry. Maybe you should talk to her.”

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