Page 2 of Unhinged

Her eyes drop to my crotch. “A half-hour. So, if you need me…”

I ignore her invitation, remembering what I saw her do outside last week. “Shit.”

“Milt said he’ll stay for an extra hour. Amy has been in and out today. Monty and Harold will be here.”

“Harold. Great. So I’ll basically be winging it alone. Lovely.”

“Oh, come on, Greg. It won’t be so bad. It’s not like this is the most happening place to be on a Saturday night.”

“Are you serious? Durham’s elite wouldn’t have it any other way.”

Candi laughs with a side of confusion. “Why are you here? Who cares if your aunt owns this bar? You don’t belong in a place like this.”

“Why not? I mean, you’re here.”

“I have two teen sons to feed. I need to be here.” She again studies me so hard I need a shower and an ice pack for my balls.

“There’s my favorite nephew!” a familiar voice trills off-key behind me.

Rolling my eyes, I reach for a striped hard candy mint in a bowl on the counter. “I’m your only nephew.”

A hip bumps against mine, but I don’t acknowledge it. “Come on, boy. Let’s rumba.”

“Isn’t that a vacuum?” She pulls my arm away from the counter, and I argue, “No, thanks. You kind of have a bar to run.”

“Not tonight. Got a date.”

I glance at her before Candi leaves the kitchen, giggling at my misery, as everyone usually does. I turn back to Aunt Amy. “You? A date?”

“I still have some hitch in my giddy-up. I need a cowboy to tame this wild mare.” I envy Great Uncle Stan. A noose, vodka, and a horse-pulled sleigh delivered his mangled ass to his grave, which is now a Denny’s.

“That ruins my year.”

“Come on, boy. You know what I’m talking about. Sowing the wild Rodwell oats.”

“I don’t.”

“I’m sure you’ve bedded many a woman. You’re a good-looking young man.” The truth would blow her mind and her fake eyelashes off her face.

“What circle of hell did I wander into?” I move to the other side of the counter. “Why’d Misty quit?”

Aunt Amy adjusts the always-present floral headband in her hair. “Who’s Mitzy?”

“Misty, the woman who’s supposed to waitress tonight?”

“Oh. Is she the one Colt dated before running off to the military?” she bitterly asks as she digs through her purse. My cousin Colt thought it’d be a hoot to join the army, not realizing the job requirements or that he couldn’t just up and leave. The army has Private Jerk Off by the balls for four years, and Mommy can’t bail him out.

“He wishes. So, why did she leave?”

“How in the hell should I know?”

“You own this place!”

“Well, ask Monty. She probably wanted more money. No can do. This bar has sucked me dry.” She glances at her watch. “Which reminds me of my date. Oh, my. I shan’t be late.” Aunt Amy giggles. “Look at that. I made a poem.”

“More like a limerick for a public bathroom stall, and no one says shan’t without expecting a shameful end to a crummy life.”

Finding a stick of gum, she pops it between her horrendous beige-painted lips. “Greg, Greg, Greg. You’re an unhappy camper. Find a young lady who will show you her boobies and a good time tonight. Our good man Monty knows plenty.” His choice of women is questionable. Like I want to date a seventeen-year-old who claims to be an eighteen-year-old but looks like a fourteen-year-old.

---