Page 158 of Unhinged

Clive throws the wet cloth at Candi but misses. He grunts, “It’s your first cock ring.”

Candi and I glance at Clive. While I laugh, thinking I might need to get one of those to try with Simone, Candi jerks my hand again and gapes at my ring. Remembering what Simone did with it last night makes me harden slightly until Candi talks again.

“This is for real?”

Dante scoffs, “No, it’s a Fig Newton of your imagination.”

Candi growls, “I mean, you and Simone are really married now?”

I sigh but grin. “Yep.”

Clive raises his glass. “You must be one smooth operator or hung like a moose head over a fireplace.”

I snort. “Both.”

Candi squeals and smacks my arm. I whine, “Ouch! What the hell, Candi?”

“Where did these rings come from?”

“A damn store.”

“Don’t get sassy!”

“I bought them, and we talked it over. I asked her to stay married to me.”

“For real? Because…?”

“I’m a glutton for punishment.”

“No, no. Tell the good patrons of this bar what you feel for your wife, Simone.”

“Get bent.”

“Come on, now. We’re waiting. If you asked her to stay married to you, it was because…”

“A divorce is expensive.”

“You are such a catch, Greg Rodwell. How did she ever resist you?” she asks in monotone, followed by an eye roll.

Clive says, “Must be the moose head.”

Candi glares at me as she drums her fingers on the counter next to Dante. I sigh. “Are you seriously waiting for an answer?”

“You betcha. After how y’all tore into each other only two weeks ago, it’s a miracle you haven’t killed each other.”

I lean onto the counter, facing off with Candi. Dante angles toward us, also waiting. When I make a face at her with no response from either her or Dante, I roll my eyes. “Because I love Simone. Nauseating, cringeworthy, and undying love. Does that flip your skirt?” Hadley used to say that. I guess I stole it.

Candi shrieks, sobering a few nearby day drinkers. “Are you lying?”

“Decide which side of the road you’re driving on to Crazy Town.”

“It’s sad you’re just now figuring it out. We all knew you wanted to pepper her taco.”

“How many head injuries have you had?”

Ignoring me, she then gets super-excited and pleads, “Give me one romantic thing you did for my girl.” Candi slaps her hand on the bar and angrily adds, “And if you mention her titties or puss-puss, I will run you over. And don’t give me that look. I’ll shave off your eyebrows too.”

“Calm the fuck down, Dillard. And I’d never call them by those names. Sounds like a second-grader yammering in the back of a bus.”

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