Page 102 of One Step Too Far

“Not property of Dudeville?”

“Not part of the fucked-up twenty-something I’d been. The kid who failed his best friend.”

“Awfully hard on yourself.”

“Don’t worry, I think Scott, Miggy, and Josh suck, too.” But there’s no heat in his voice.

“After this, do you think you might introduce her to them?”

“She wants to get married.”

“And you?”

“Actually, I can’t think of anything I’d like more. She’s the one. I knew it almost as soon as I met her.”

“But you haven’t proposed?”

“I couldn’t. I can’t imagine getting married because I can’t imagine...” There’s a hitch in Neil’s voice. “I can’t imagine standing at an altar and not having Tim there. I can’t stomach attending the wedding he never got. It’s the real reason Miggy, Josh, and I didn’t go to Scott’s wedding. Jesus, just the sight of a tux. One of the last things we did was the final fitting. Five us, laughing so damn hard and sticking each other with those pins...” Neil’s voice trails off. “I always thought PTSD was triggered by big things like the clap of thunder. But for me, it’s the sight of grown men dressed like penguins.”

“I’m sorry,” I tell him honestly, finally twisting off a lower branch.

“Yeah, well, now I feel like the world’s biggest idiot,” Neil is saying. “Anna’s been waiting five years for me to come to my senses. I sure as hell had better get off this mountain so I can make things right.”

“Then why do you keep volunteering for suicide duty?”

Neil shrugs. “Because in case you haven’t noticed, we’ve entered survival-of-the-fittest territory. And I’m already wounded prey. I’ve watched enough wildlife documentaries to know what happens next. Given that... if I’m going down, I want my death to matter, to be on my terms, not some asshole’s.”

“That’s the spirit.” I wiggle the next branch farther away from the trunk. Neil drags it the rest of the way out. One more, I think. It’s about all I have left in me. Then we’ll head back.

I have an itch between my shoulder blades, but I can’t decide if that’s survival instinct or basic paranoia.

“What about Miguel?” I ask, selecting the next branch.

“Have to ask him. Was in a long-term relationship that ended last year, but I’ve never heard him talk marriage. Not sure it’s on his radar.”

“And Josh?”

“Josh doesn’t discuss his personal life. Never did before. Certainly isn’t now.”

There’s an edge to Neil’s voice that makes me look at him again. “But?” I prod.

Neil stacks up the cut boughs. “If I had to guess? Josh is gay. And Tim was most likely his first crush. Back in college, the way I’d sometimes catch Josh looking at Tim. Nothing ever happened, and Josh has never said, one way or another. Though I can tell you there’s nothing we would’ve cared less about. But I think that’s the other reason Josh was so caught off guard by Tim’s night of true confessions. Not just that Tim had gone behind his back and slept with his sister. But that Tim had chosen his sister and not... well, Josh.”

“Whoa. You think that’s also why Josh started drinking so hard?”

“Don’t know. Josh worked, played, and studied with us. But he never talked to us. Just wasn’t his style. He was closest to Tim anyway.”

“Do you hear anything?” I ask abruptly, crawling back out from under the pine tree. I straighten slowly, swiping at my brow.

“No. What?”

“Shhh...” I drop my voice to a whisper. “Listen. What do you hear?”

“Nothing,” Neil murmurs back.

“Exactly. And when in the woods, do you hear total silence?”

Neil’s eyes widen in understanding.

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