Page 65 of Forcing Fate

I pressed my lips together and shook my head. They only meant well. They cared about me and I knew they would disapprove, but for once, I wanted to explain myself. Perhaps they would understand.

“I don’t want to go back to my village. I don’t want to be a Master, I struggle with students. I can’t be a Dragon Rider. I cannot waste my life doing nothing. If I can make the smallest difference, I have to try.”

“You can make a difference here, in the dorms,” Niehm said with a faint sigh. Her softening implied she noticed my attempt to explain.

I pushed off my bed. “That’s not enough. Not for me. I can’t just sit here and watch refugees come, tired, worn, and weary. I can’t only be the balm for their damaged souls. It has to stop.” My tone pitched higher, and I took a breath, calming my rage. “I want children to stop coming here hurt and traumatized. I want to be part of the group that goes down in history for pushing the Shadows back.

“Do you know Ran? The little boy? They gutted his sister right in front of him. He watched them rape his mother.” Tears burned my eyes, and I didn’t bother holding them back. “He carries a doll and sucks his thumb. One day he might put away those visible scars, but he will always bear that trauma, that hurt. He will never get over that. It’s not right, and I’m not content sitting here while others fight the war I want to win.”

I let out a breath and squared my shoulders. “I’m more valuable at the front than I am here, leeching resources, taking up room. There’s no other option. I can’t contribute enough to make my stay worth it. Even if I wanted to return to Stonesmead, I have no skills to offer my village. The only option left for me is to join the ranks. So I did.” I clasped my hands together and waited for their response.

Niehm’s eyes were soft when she replied. “I understand. I need you to know that. Your devotion and desire to help do not go unnoticed. Do you believe we don’t sympathize with the refugees that come? Do you think we are immune to their plights?” She placed a hand over her chest with a small shake of her head. “A woman’s place is not in the army, Avyanna.”

“Why is it not a woman’s place? Why does that keep coming up? I cannot see how my gender would allow or forbid me from certain tasks if I can physically complete them!” Fire-blast it all, I had it up to my ears with the gender rules.

“Avyanna,” Elenor’s harsh tone drew my attention, “you’ve failed to think this through. Where will you sleep? In a room with more than two hundred men? Half of which are young and rash, still learning to control their urges. The rest are grown men that haven’t laid with a woman in far too long.

“Where will you bathe? In their lake? Will you strip your dress for the eyes of lustful men? You always go to the private bathing chambers here, among women. Did you even consider your modesty or reputation?”

My cheeks burned with shame. I hadn’t thought of those things. I assumed that because I was a woman, exceptions would be made.

“I didn’t think–”

“Clearly not. I know the General better than you. Were it up to the Commanders, they wouldn’t have let you join, period. The General allowed it to make an example of you. He will make no exceptions. You will be treated as any other recruit. You will be expected to act like the rest of them.”

Elenor didn’t give me a chance to respond. She pressed on, “And what of your moon cycle? What will you do with the rags? Did you think they would excuse you to change them? Did you expect them to offer you someplace far from the men to air them?

“You are bound by your word, and I will not let you go back on it. General Rafe will dismiss you if you prove yourself unfit. Or, by the love of all that is good and right in this world, you will serve your five years.

“You made this choice out of haste, and now there’s no going back.” Elenor stopped, looking at my stricken face. She sighed, softening her tone as she went on. “You should have asked. If you had simply asked, I would have helped you find a way.”

Niehm’s features held a sad, resigned look as she spoke up. “We were here for you and will continue to be here for you, Avyanna. I’m not against you fighting, if that’s what you truly want. We’re not incapable simply because we are women. I just don’t want to see them break you.” Her voice cracked, and she cleared her throat. “You’re so young and have so much promise. You have your whole life ahead of you, and I refuse to see you crushed by the army or some man.”

I bit my lip as the fight drained out of me and I realized that these two were truly my friends. I had friends—friends I could have gone to for help or guidance. Yet their title of Master blinded me from the women that lay beyond. I judged them based on their titles and sorely regretted it.

“Now,” Elenor stood and brushed out her dress, “tonight you will rest here. We will find some way to remedy your sleeping situation before tomorrow night. General Rafe granted me a favor by letting you sleep in peace.

“You are due in the recruitment tent at the sixth chime. The guards will let you pass in the morning, but never again without orders. We will arrange for your belongings to be brought to you.” She eyed my waistline. “Please do not take your coin purse. Leave it for us to get to you. The men will only see you as a sweeter target with it hanging off your hip.”

Niehm gave me a fierce hug. “Girl, I love you,” she whispered before letting go.

Realization of what I had done sank like a stone in my stomach as they left. I had perhaps not made the wisest choice. There would be consequences for my actions, and I would have to bear them. I’d suffer ridicule and pressure as never before, or walk away in shame.

Everything Elenor said was true. If General Rafe had anything to do with my training, he would expect as much out of me as any other recruit.

I fell onto my bed and curled up in a ball, not bothering to change out of my dress. I thought I’d made some grand choice that would alter my life. Well, I indeed managed to alter my life—I just didn’t know if it was for better or worse.

Chapter Eighteen

My stomach twisted painfully, as if punishing me for my poor choices. Nerves had me skipping first meal. I didn’t want to risk running into any of the women in the dorms. Their disgusted sneers were the last things I needed.

It was still dark, half-past the fifth chime, when I crossed the gate. I’d come this way dozens of times, and even though I knew he wouldn’t be there, I glanced at the post where Willhelm usually waited. It was strange seeing it vacant, yet this would now be part of my life. I had to accept that.

As I entered the recruitment tent, I smoothed the fabric of my brown skirt. A soldier’s uniform consisted of a light brown tunic and dark, nearly black pants. Though none of the new recruits received one yet, my work dress was the closest thing I had. This morning, I debated wearing my gray gown again, to make an impression, but settled on this one, just in case I was required to do physical labor. I wouldn’t care if it got dirty.

Anxiety writhed like snakes beneath my skin as I surveyed the tent. They had rearranged since last night. They removed the desks and set up benches, facing a raised platform. There were probably close to two hundred seats, and I chose one in the back corner, not wanting to draw attention.

The few men that arrived before me peered over their shoulders as I took a seat. They spoke in hushed voices, snickering amongst each other. I focused on my hands clasped in my lap, doing my best to ignore them.

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