Page 39 of Stalemate

I’m on the beach.

Breathing.

But it’s been years since then, hasn’t it? Years since I washed up on that beach…and I’ve been battling with the ghosts of my past ever since.

Using my body to get my way.

Was I always like this? Taking advantage of men who care about me, burning bridges when necessary and forging new ones. Oberon wasn’t the first—there were others before him, people who went down with the Eclipse for trying to help me.

I’m sure of it…but I don’t even remember their names.

I get up with a sigh and head to the bathroom, which is still filled with steam from Cassie’s shower. I turn the water back on and run it until it’s scalding hot, stripping off my clothes without ceremony. I’m hurting them, aren’t I? Gunnar, Oberon—they aren’t safe with me. I’m using them like pieces on a board, and I’m going to get them killed.

I don’t even know if I like being with them. I don’t know if my pleasure is real or manufactured. I want to love them, and I just…

I step into the shower, the water lighting up my flesh, painting it in streaks of red where it almost burns. I’ve used seduction as a tool for so long that I don’t know if I like to be touched anymore, or if it’s just a compulsion. The thought is ugly, nearly overwhelming.

Water scalds my skin, hotter than I can stand, but I don’t turn it down. It’s a clean pain, washing away the grime of what I’ve been through. I lean into it, head bowed, letting the droplets pelt my back like tiny fists. I’m not sure when my hand drifts lower, when the intent shifts from cleansing to something else.

I lean against the cold tile wall and, tentatively, I reach down to touch myself.

I know I’ve done this before. I can feel how it’s supposed to feel, moving my hand to touch my clit, explore deeper. Before Dreamland, before the crash, I was a girl who knew my own pleasure. I know that.

I hesitate as Gunnar and Oberon come to mind.

But no…this is about me.

My fingers move with a memory that’s more intuitive than conscious, exploratory and then insistent. The water drums in my ears, drowning out everything else. And for those moments, everything narrows to just me, just this.

As the water cascades down my body, I can’t help but think about how it might have been better if I’d drowned. If I had never met Gunnar, Oberon…Vance Solace. If I had never been ensnared in this web of pleasure and politics, manipulation and power.

But that’s something I’ll never know. My past is behind me, drowned with the memories of that green place where I was happy. And now, all I have is this moment, where the heat of the water meets the cold tiles, and my exploration becomes something more intimate.

The tension builds, and I can’t help but lose myself in the sensations, the rhythm of my touch, the pounding of the water. A moan escapes my lips, wholly involuntary and entirely unexpected. I forgot how good it could feel. An unfamiliar sense of vulnerability washes over me as the water continues to pour down, each droplet a reminder of the moment of release.

I come apart under my own touch, gasping for air that feels suddenly thick. There’s a surge of something like victory because no one has given this to me.

I took it.

It’s mine.

And just like that, I make myself come again.

I breathe in the thick, warm steam, water dripping from my nose. When they first pulled me off of that beach, I couldn’t even shower. It was too scary—the memory of being underwater, of losing my breath.

But I survived.

And now I have to learn to live again.

I shut off the water, heart still pounding, and wrap myself in a towel. The mirror’s fogged over, and I wipe it with a shaky hand. The woman who stares back at me is a stranger, flushed and bright-eyed with something like defiance.

I need to figure out what it means to be Aisling again.

The Stargazer…whoever she is—I don’t want to be her.

I dry off and get dressed in sweats and one of Gunnar’s t-shirts, finally emerging from the bedroom. I can hear Cassie and Oberon talking in the living room, but I find Gunnar on the balcony, staring out at the city. He glances over when I open the door, no doubt hearing me coming, but giving me space to go where I wanted.

Maybe to Oberon.

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