Page 79 of All the Promises We Break

I wouldn’t allow myself to cry about Michael after the funeral. I guess I felt like I had to make up for him not being there. I had to be me and him in the same body, so those around me wouldn’t hurt as much as I know they were and as I was and am.

I’ve cried twice as hard as I’ve ever cried in the past twelve hours. I’ve finally done what my shrink said I should and shared my burden with those I felt safe with. Eli’s shoulder is holding up my head today instead of ramming my gut. He’s the anchor I’ve been missing.

I wipe my eyes over and over with the back of my sleeve. Eli sits stable and quiet. All those years ago, he did the same thing. We sat in that ditch while I cried until I puked and cried some more. He never said a word or made me move until I was ready. I know this time won’t be any different.

I’m not eloquent like he is. I don’t think today needs it. Most of the time grief is so fucking complicated. Today, it’s simple. “I miss him so much it consumes me,” I confess.

Much like River Phoenix’s character comforts Wil Wheaton’s character inStand By Me, Eli is right there. “Let it consume you sometimes. I think that’s what’s been missing for both of us. We chose to not talk about that day and him. It was a child’s choice. We owe our adult selves better, don’t you think?”

“I owe myself a lot.” I slowly raise my head off his shoulder as I take a deep breath. “I don’t want to have zero attachments and skim the surface anymore. People don’t always leave.”

“No. They don’t. If you’re lucky, they stay with you forever. I know I’ve said it before, but I’m sorry.”

“I’m sorry too. I’m sorry we didn’t do this together a long time ago. I’m sorry I didn’t rescue you from Tori before she nearly destroyed you. I’m sorry for many things. But the one thing I’m not sorry for is Hayley.

“She’s incredible. Not only is she way smarter than one person should have a right to be, but she’s also the funniest person I know, besides me that is. Her mouth can be nearly dirtier than your wife’s and that’s saying a lot.” I pause and raise the brim of my cap slightly. “I know you won’t want to hear what’s next.”

“You’re right. I probably won’t.” He looks like he’s trying to brace himself for too much information. I watch as he starts twisting his wedding ring in fast circles around his finger with one large, inhaled breath he holds.

“I love her, Eli. I don’t know when or how it happened. It fucking terrifies me to feel what I feel. It’s more than physical with her. She makes me, I don’t know, better… I guess.” I’ve given this confession without being able to look at his face. I don’t think I’d have found the words if I’d been looking at him. “Can you say something?”

I finally find the courage to turn my head to face him. He’s still staring off into the skyline around us. “Please don’t hurt her. That’s all I ask.”

“I won’t. I promise.”

Chapter Thirty-Two

Dylan

Hayley’s nerves show in a totally different way than mine. I stand in the open door of the balcony to let the cooling night air begin to wash over me, as the sun begins tucking behind the buildings. I go into gut check mode. My hand across my belly feeling the breath come in and go out.

She on the other hand is a cross between a fist deep in a bag of potato chips and mad controls on the newest edition of hockey on the gaming system. Her fingers are as fast on the controller as they are in and out of the oily bag.

“What time is it?” we ask in unison. My hand rubs my neck left to right, over and over. “It's been five minutes since the last time we asked. We’d know if they got into another fight, right? I mean, someone would call.”

“Eli wasn’t in a fighting mood. He said he wanted to talk. I just hope…”

“You just hope what? I feel like you know something.”

“I don’t know more than you do. God. I just hope they are talking it out. I don’t want to have to make a choice.”

“What do you mean by make a choice? Like a choice between your brother and Wes?” The roar of the crowd in the game finally makes me snap. I grab the remote and shut the television off. The sounds of the street are all I can handle right now. The “he shoots, he scores” has got to go.

Hayley tosses the controller down to the couch beside her and rubs her hands over and over, slowly down the upper part of her legs. At first, I think she’s trying to hide the evidence on her fingers of the entire bag of chips being her dinner, but then I notice the gentle vibration of her whole body.

I didn’t notice it before. The frantic nature of the game she was playing hid it all. I leave the open door and climb over the back of the couch to sit beside her. “Hayley, would you cut your brother off to be with Wes?”

“No. I wouldn’t but only partially for the reasons you think. The other is that I wouldn’t want to come between Eli and Wes. If I thought I could long term, I’d rather be miserable than the two men I love hating each other. This is one of the only times since this started that I wish it was just about sex. It would be so much easier.”

I reach over and grab Hayley’s hand, pulling it in my lap as we both start laughing and say again in unison, “No, it wouldn’t.” Our laughter rolls on into the kind that takes over when you’re so nervous not much else fits. I think we could have continued on but the lock on the apartment door stops nearly all other sounds.

Hayley and I both look toward the wall separating the living room from the entryway. I think her thoughts are going as fast as mine, considering all the possible scenarios of what’s about to happen and who could be walking through that door.

I hear the door close and the familiar sound of keys hitting the small table against the wall. Eli’s tired eyes round the corner. He gives me a look I’ve only seen once or twice. It’s the look of totalemotional exhaustion. It’s jarring enough for me to leap off the safety of the couch cushion and barrel into his arms.

I hold on to him as he lifts me off the ground, just enough so the tips of my toes drag along the floor. His arms wrap around my body. One is at my waist with his hand gripping over my hip, as the other gently cups my neck. Eli’s soft lips ghost over my shoulder as he nuzzles into me.

I can feel him inhale. It’s like he’s memorizing me with every sense he has. “What happened to not ever leaving your wingman?” I scold.

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