Page 74 of All the Promises We Break

“We decided to ride all day. We rode out to the compound. We had Sammy’s. It felt like the perfect day until...” I can feel my heart pounding faster in its cage. All the feelings from that day begin to roll in and surround me.

“Eli? You’re shaking.” Her hands snake out from between us to wrap around behind me. She presses her lips softly at the base of my throat. Her voice softly vibrates against my skin. “What happened?”

“Wes and Mikey always had this great rivalry. He would dare Wes to best him and sometimes he would but other times he wouldn’t. We decided to race back. Last one in the driveway would have to clean up all three bikes. Wes wasn’t about to do that.

“Michael led us out. He was about five to ten seconds ahead of us. That’s it. Five to ten seconds. The road we were on had a blind hill. You know the one.” Dylan rests her forehead against my chest. Her hands cling to me tighter. She knows what’s coming next.

“The black Jeep never saw him. Michael opened the throttle up the hill just as the Jeep made a left turn, and that was it. All that was left was brakes, crunching metal, breaking glass, and the sight of the bike going under the Jeep as Mikey flew over it like a rag doll. His neck snapped.

“That could have been Wes. That could have been me. What we saw of the accident at a distance was nothing compared to the aftermath up close. Wes leaped off his bike while it was still moving. He ran and cradled Mikey in his lap. We called nine-one-one.”

“God. Eli. I don’t even know what to say. I can’t believe you kept that inside all this time. You’ve never talked about it? Ever?”

“Right after it happened, my parents walked me through most of it. We hid it from Hayley. She was too young and wouldn’t have understood. Wes never got on a bike again. I wrestled with it for a long time. I finally looked at it as a way to stay close to Michael. He loved riding so much. He wouldn’t have wanted us to give it up.”

Dylan rests her ear back over my heart as she weaves her fingers with mine. “Eli, there are things you don’t know too.”

I breathe deep and allow my eyes to flutter closed. I feel like I’m bracing for impact. “What? Tell me.”

“So many things happened after your accident. Some things didn’t make sense at the time, so I didn’t think too much about it, but now, it’s all falling into place.”

“Like what?”

“It was small things like a glance between your mom and dad. They always had this we’ve been here before look, and I didn’t understand it. Now I do. Then there was Wes.”

I sigh. “We’ve never talked about it. I tried to bring it up the night before our wedding. He avoided it, I didn’t press.”

“Wes was the one who brought me up to the waiting room after your accident. I had been standing outside for what felt like forever and he found me. I blamed myself for what happened. He was so direct with me. I thought it was out of protection for the family but now, knowing this, I feel like it was advice. He told me that if I couldn’t be supportive, and not make it all about what I did or didn’t do, that I shouldn’t go up near everyone.”

“He said that? Dylan, that was something I said to him after Michael. He was living with so much guilt. I told him he needed to feel what he was feeling but also stand with and by his parents. They’d need him. I often wonder what Wes would be like if Michael were still here.”

“Don’t you like him the way he is?”

“It’s not about that. That day changed him and changed us. Three became two. In some ways, his capacity for love died that day too. Getting too close to most people meant he had more to lose.”

“People always leave,” Dylan says.

My eyes open. I give Dylan’s hand a gentle squeeze to get her to look at me. “Where did you hear that?”

“I just remembered it. When you were just out of surgery, people took turns sitting with you. While Wes and I waited, we got into a horrible fight. We were both scared and it came out in different ways. I was sad and blamed myself. He was scared. That was the time bomb just waiting to go off.

“We were in the pantry off the main waiting area and were screaming at each other. I shoved him. It was a mess. I was collapsing from the pressure, literally, but he took my wing. He never left my side and I never left his. We were each a pathway to you for the other.

“I dozed off in a chair. I heard Wes get on the phone with his mom. I thought I was dreaming but maybe not. I heard things like ‘It’s the same, he’s my brother too,’ then ‘people always leave’. Jesus. The reality of what your accident brought back for everyone had to have been unbearable.”

“I hate myself. How could I have done what I did? Said what I said? Again, I wish I could blame it on my mind not being right, but bullshit. I know it’s bullshit.”

“His bruises will heal. Not that you weren’t an asshole for that, but what did you say?”

“He called me brother and I told him to never call me that again. Jesus, Dylan, what kind of monster says something like that? I deliberately said it because I knew what it meant. If nothing else, even if he never accepts it, I need to apologize for that.”

Wes

My worst secret is finally out there. I was the soda can that fell on the floor and someone tried to open it too soon. I would have kept it inside forever if Hayley hadn’t seen what she did. I’ve tried so hard to not feel this canyon of regret. Those therapists I was forced to see by my parents were right. One day I wouldn’t be able to run. Today’s that day.

I sit in silence in Hayley’s arms. She’s holding me against her chest. My head is facing out toward the balcony. My back is tight against her allowing my head to rest on her shoulder. I’m completely shut down. No amount of avoidance or smart-ass comments meant as a diversion are going to free me from this.

I haven’t mourned my brother in public since the funeral. It’s all too much. The weight is nearly unbearable. Hayley runs a gentle hand down my chest and stops over my heart. She whispers in my ear, “I wish I knew what to do. Some way to help you.”

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